May 2018
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fight me, I grow stronger. / defending myself and believing in myself.


Last sunday, I had a 'relapse' of sorts, emotionally and spiritually. This is what was going on inside me. It wore me out to the point where I called in the next day and didn't go to work... slept all day instead.

Then Tuesday I went to group counseling, and I happened to be last to speak. I poured out my heart, basically saying all I had said in that post. There was silence for a few moments, and then my counselor began to talk to me. She got very heated, telling me that I should give up self-pity and make the choice to trust God... she said it differently but that was the gist of it. Some of the other women got uncomfortable with her directness (she was rather irate) and defended me, and she toned herself down a bit but didn't change what she was saying.

Meanwhile, my inner cobra was flaring her hood. I was furious. I held up my hand, palm toward her, and said, "I reject your judgement. That does not fall on me." I know the inner workings of me better than anyone except God, and I know that self-pity has not been a battle I've had to fight. I can't stand the role of the victim, and I certainly wouldn't wallow in it.

As she 'accused' and I 'defended,' I found myself growing stronger and stronger. I had had those doubts about myself, and as she caused me to face them head on, I realized how untrue they were. As I explained myself to her, I began to believe in myself more.

I know I have never stopped believing in God. I have never taken the easy way out! It's far, far easier simply to put aside these torturous questions and accept what someone else tells you is true -- but I refuse to do that. That's not always 'faith' -- sometimes it's just laziness, or a lack of passion -- or even fear of the answer. I believe that God is truth, and I believe that he is big enough to handle all my questions and pain and fear. I don't need to drop my questions; I need to seek the answer and be willing to accept it when I get it. No, I don't trust that God loves me, not right now, as much as I'd like to -- but some part of me must, because I still believe with my whole self that he IS Love, that he loves every human, and that he works in people's lives in response to my prayers. I've seen it, over and over again.

I don't know what it will take to get me to where I can believe that God loves me personally, deeply, fully, passionately, unreservedly, unconditionally...

... but I know I will get there.

At the end of the meeting, we all prayed together, including a specific prayer that God would give me the answer and that I'd be able to accept it, and then as people started getting up, my counselor apologized for being harsh, and I forgave her. And I asked for everyone's attention, and said that I could understand how they might feel upset with my counselor -- I would have been very upset had it been someone else she was scolding -- but that I believe that she was doing what God wanted her to. The result in my heart was positive -- not the result she was pushing for at all, but exactly the right result. I said that I thought her methods might have been somewhat questionable, but she was following God. After I finished my little speech, my counselor and I hugged, and I totally let go of any negative emotions I might have had toward her. I know she did that because she feels a little like a mother to me, and because she very passionately wants the best for me. There wasn't an unclean motive in her heart. (and I know she'd NEVER have gone off on anyone else like that, she was so completely honest; I kinda take it as a compliment) Another of the counselors came up to me and hugged me and thanked me for saying that, which filled me with the certainty that I had done the right thing. Hopefully it soothed any worried hearts.

sounds: Beauty's Confusion: "Silhouette"
connecting: , ,

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Comments
Come to me
yukakuna ══╣Come to me╠══
The only law of life and the only meaning of it is LOVE. Anything that happens has its reason. It is karmic(don't call it buddhist bullshit, there's only one God and it is people who gave him so many names)way of solving problems: you may fall ill or something bad may happen to you. It is for your own good, thus you suffer away your guilt and wrong things you may have done or thought. There's no use to complain or to feel depressive about it: you're betraying love that way. You must be strong surviving those bad things happening with you. You should try to do your best keeping love in your heart no matter what happens to you. If you can survive bad things with love and humbleness in your heart then you'll bit by bit clean your sole.
passionate
belenen ══╣passionate╠══
:-\ If you knew me at all, you wouldn't tell me not to call it "buddhist bullshit" -- I don't go around demeaning other people's beliefs.

I do disagree with some of what you say, and I consider it to be rather callous. I don't think it ever does anyone any good to go to them and say, "Don't feel the way you're feeling. Instead, feel this way." I also don't believe that I can clean my own soul -- I believe God does that.

However, I agree that keeping love in my heart no matter what happens is a very important goal.
yukakuna ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
mina19 ══╣╠══
i can't find what i was looking for. but in this little booklet i got, it had in it about when God tests people about their faith, he makes it as hard as he can, because he knows you can do it, but he needs you to search within yourself, cast all doubts to one side and believe, and to pray to him that you're finding it hard, and you feel like you're losing your faith and you're upset about it. and that when people do that, they renew their relationship with God and draws them nearer. so all my advice is, don't give up your faith. God never stops loving people, it's people that stop loving God.
honesty
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
I think there is a difference between a trial (test of your faith brought by God) and a wounding (harm to your soul/spirit brought by satan or other humans). God gives trials, but never woundings. If he harmed us in order to heal us, he would not be good and loving. He might bring us a lot of discomfort (like losing all our money) but never an actual wound to our soul (like rape/abuse).
12thknight ══╣╠══
I think it's a wonderful thing that you recognize questions aren't evil. Escaping from the cult I was born into was something like that: we were forcefed dogma. We weren't explicitly told there were no good questions: we were just always provided with the correct answers.

Except, of course, to: "Why?"

With faith, the most important question is Why. The entire book of Job asks Why. And you don't have to have all of your children and possessions taken from you to feel as though your soul has been stripped bare and that you have nothing left.

People who do not allow you to ask Why are not worth your time. Faith that alleges it has all the answers is worthless. If faith without works may be dead, faith without truth is a cancer.

I wish that someday you may find peace and a full, whole heart.
shimmering
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
People who do not allow you to ask Why are not worth your time. Faith that alleges it has all the answers is worthless. If faith without works may be dead, faith without truth is a cancer.

Thank you so very much for sharing this wisdom. I was getting discouraged by the first few comments (on this and the post I linked to), and your wisdom and understanding was such a peace to me. Thank you.
kabandra ══╣╠══
upset
belenen ══╣upset╠══
yay! I'm so glad it made you smile. And I can't wait to get your card! ;-)
saturnaliaooooo ══╣╠══
You are added!!! :)
Rock on ♥
artistic
belenen ══╣artistic╠══
rock on yourself! (and that is such an awesome icon, by the way.)
abstractfish ══╣╠══
sometimes we need to be pushed so we can learn to push back.
teasing
belenen ══╣teasing╠══
*pushes you* ;-)
cross-shaped scar
eternitywaiting ══╣cross-shaped scar╠══
Her method seemed harsh, but I'm glad the outcome was good....

And (partially a take-off of the post linked, but responding here regardless) honestly, I believe that every horrible trial we face in our lives is one we knew we were getting into. I think our souls chose the lives we've led because of the challenges we'd face and what we'd learn from them, and it brings us closer to our transcendent other (God). So though I know it's not much consolation, please believe that God didn't "let" anything happen to you, he just let you experience something so you could grow closer to Him. It's not about being let down, it's about Him wanting you to be closer to Him. And as you become stronger, you are. :-)
ethereal
belenen ══╣ethereal╠══
wow. You just have no idea.... You commented this near the same time that alariya also posted about this, which 'happened' to be a day after I was asking God about this very thing... I am still waiting for a little more clarity before I throw my full belief into that, but when I do decide I will post about it... that belief is one that has been growing slowly in my mind for a good while now.

And thank you, because this comment was really encouraging and strengthening, right when I really needed it.
baka_shampoo ══╣╠══
the faith of god can really pull people through together.

it's good you have such a good relationship with your counselor.

and hopefully you will be able to find your belief in God soon.
Or maybe it's good to wait.
But your right, it's never good to doubt yourself, cheers for you!
vivacious
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
thank you! ;-)
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
While I don't agree with ehr method, i'm glad ti had such a positive effect on you. ^.^
amused
belenen ══╣amused╠══
*nod* My thoughts exactly! ;-)
outdoorsyl ══╣╠══
I just would like to share a poem that I wrote when my husband died four years ago. I really felt God had let me down and it was hard for me to trust him for a while. I just recently sent this to another LJ friend that has just lost a close friend of hers. Anyway maybe this will bring you some comfort.

God Knows Best

Our Father knows what's best for us,
So why should we complain?
We always want the sun to shine.
But He knows there must be rain.
We love the sound of laughter,
And the merriment of cheer,
But our hearts would lose their tenderness,
If we never shed a tear.

Our Father tests us often,
With suffering and with sorrow.
He tests us, not punish us,
To help us meet tomorrow.
For growing trees are strengthened,
When they withstand a storm.
And the sharp cut of the chisel,
Gives the marble grace and form.

God never hurts us needlessly,
And He never wastes our pain.
For every loss He sends us,
Is followed by rich gain.
And when we count the blessings,
That God has so freely sent.
We will find no cause for murmuring,
And no time to lament.

Our Father loves His children,
And to Him all things are plain.
So He never sends us pleasure,
When the soul's deepest need is pain.
So whenever we are troubled,
And when everything goes wrong.
We must remember that God is working in us,
To make our spirit strong.

I hope you find peace very soon, Sweetheart
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Thank you very much for the tenderness and well-wishes. That last sentence was very soothing to my soul.

I think there is a difference between a trial (test of your faith brought by God) and a wounding (harm to your soul/spirit brought by satan or other humans). God gives trials, but never woundings. If he harmed us in order to heal us, he would not be good and loving. He might bring us a lot of discomfort (like losing all our money) but never an actual wound to our soul (like rape/abuse).
outdoorsyl ══╣╠══
ex_whatsarah880 ══╣╠══
that sounds really harsh of her but i'm glad it had a positive effect in that you were able to stand up for yourself.

you will learn to trust God completely. you're farther along than you think, and with your determination, i'm sure you can conquer all of this.
shimmering
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Thank you my friend. I'm so glad that you are willing to still offer support here on LJ -- your posts are greatly missed, but at least your presence is still here.

Thank you for the encouragement. It means a lot that you believe in me.
trenchmeister ══╣╠══
Faith
First of all, I want you to know that I'm going to be praying for you and I believe you will find an answer if you continue searching (Luke 11:9.) I will provide you what I can from my limited arsenal. I'm currently at work, so I will keep this short.

The first thing I want you to note is the word faith. Realize that blind faith was never asked of you by God - only mindless people. Blind faith is stupidity and ignorance. The faith that God asks of you is a faith based in truth. When you look back and see what he has done for others - and can verify those truths - then you can trust that he will take care of you as well.

As I stated before, I will get back to you when I'm on my time. In the meantime be sure to read Job. Also, click here for an article (PDF) that addresses exactly what you're dealing with. I hope it helps.
shimmering
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Re: Faith
thank you thank you thank you for this. For praying and for supporting me and for reminding me of truth that I was shaky on.
trenchmeister ══╣╠══
Rambling on...
Sorry to keep rambling....

I just wanted to say that I firmly believe that if you stay on top of this and continue your quest your faith and trust in God will grow. This is part of spiritual maturity. Those who insist on not asking the difficult questions that you are deny themselves growth. With growth comes growing pains.
strong
belenen ══╣strong╠══
Re: Rambling on...
Those who insist on not asking the difficult questions that you are deny themselves growth. With growth comes growing pains.

Exactly. Thank you for writing that.
angelina oollah
invisibleglue ══╣angelina oollah╠══
I love you :)
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.