Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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becoming my true outgoing self

to Yvonne (from work) -- traded numbers, went to lunch
to Brie (from work) -- gave her my number, invited her to bellydancing
to Dani (from work) -- offered to hang out, traded numbers
to aubkabob -- yes it was a big step for me to call you! Seriously!
to Ingrid (from church) -- traded numbers, planned an outing (which didn't work out)
to alariya -- dropped in at her house out of the blue
to shioneh -- again, big step for me to call you! I was so nervous! The letter I put in the mail last week was also a big step.
to Cynthia (from work) -- offered to take her home whenever we have a shift ending at the same time (she's currently car-less)

I actually went to lunch with Yvonne, which was quite fun and not at all awkward despite the fact that she's one of my supervisors. She understands the healing process, and she's very open and honest, so it was very easy to be open and relaxed with her. I loved learning more about her, and I think she enjoyed the time. She was a little stiff hugging me when she left (despite the fact that she initiated it) but I think that's just 'cause I'm used to very touchy-feely friends. I was even comfortable letting her pick me up and drive us rather than doing the torturous car trade-off with Ben. Me, comfortable receiving generosity? shock!

And I invited Brie (also from work) to go to bellydancing with me. That's a huge step because I'm rather private about my dancing, I hate to dance in front of people, yet I was comfortable inviting her -- and before, I was way too afraid of 'intruding' on people to actually invite them to anything. I'd think that they'd be thinking, "Ugh, who'd want to do anything with her? She's so dull/dumb/quiet!" Now, I never think that. I actually consider myself a person who is fun/interesting/worthwhile to be with. Even to Brie, who is one of those people who obviously doesn't care what anyone thinks -- she's strong and fierce and funny, and I don't consider her out of my league.

And Dani, she is such an AWESOME person. She always wears non-matching earrings (all four holes), which tells you a lot, I think! And she has this intricately pretty criss-cross scar next to her mouth, which I would compliment her on but I don't know her well enough to know if she'd take it well. I'm like Angelina in that I find scars attractive. She's crazy and relaxed and her spirit is so open. Back in the day, I'd have heroine-worshipped her from afar but never dared to even talk to her, much less show her how much I admire her! But the new me, Krista, I asked her out! And she made me feel awkward by pretending to think I was hitting on her, but I got over that really quickly, and even joked back. We're supposed to go to the local coffeehouse on Friday. And I'm totally okay with being honest about how much I like her! I was openly happy when we got assigned next-door registers, and she was too. I used to be careful to hide my admiration/like for someone unless they showed that they liked me first -- a fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, I suppose. But no longer!

Why such a big step to call Aubrey? I don't know. I suppose because I didn't have a plan on what to say, and I hadn't really conversed with her before. My old self would have thought, "She probably doesn't want to talk to you, don't call her and inconvenience her." My new self thought, "Huh. I feel like talking to Aubrey." *dial*

The Ingrid thing wasn't that hard to do, since Ingrid is incredibly easy to get along with, but it was hard to follow through, because for some reason I have been relationally avoidant for a good while now. I'd rather be alone than go to the bother of hooking up with someone -- but obviously that's changing.

You'd think that dropping in on alariya would be easy for me, but it wasn't. I had such a perfectionist view of relationships -- if I couldn't do it perfectly, I didn't want to do it at all. But something changed in me recently, and I've come to the conclusion that all interactions are valuable, even the 'inconsequential' ones, like just saying hi, or spending an hour with someone just casually connecting. I've come to believe that my investments in people are never a waste, even if there's no noticable change in relationship.

With Cynthia, I know I wouldn't have had the guts to ask her why she seemed down, about a week ago, and she'd never have told me about her worries and the fact that she is in need of a car. And even though I felt dumb just saying that I'd pray for her, it seemed to be important to her because today she asked if I was still praying. And before, I'd never have had the confidence to tell her that anytime that our schedules ended at the same time, I'd give her a ride. I'd have worried that she'd judge my driving or my car, or think that I was being condescending to offer. But now, I offered without a second thought, and she gratefully accepted, and even though I did feel a bit embarrassed by the mess on the floor, I was able to dismiss it and be comfortable.
Tags: ashe, growth, hannah, lj friends, recovery / therapy / healing, those passing through, work

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