Life has been hard lately. It's hard to look forward to anything because the moment seems so dead. And I haven't wanted to write this because I have been too exhausted, and too afraid of being judged. I have become keenly aware of my failings.
Ben and I have really hit rock bottom in our marriage. And don't get me wrong, he's certainly not abusive in any way, shape, or form; my feelings have to do with what he doesn't do (or hasn't done) rather than what he does do. I thought it was funny that I totally forgot our anniversary (December 13th) -- now I'm realizing that it was a symptom of my apathy.
About a week ago, I realized that I have run completely out of love for him. I no longer want to be with him -- and since I feel completely asexual, I just want to be alone. I certainly don't want anyone else -- I know there is no one who would make a better spouse. I want to love him, but I can't seem to muster any care. I have absolutely no idea what to do. And I feel so incredibly guilty and unworthy, because he can do many nice things for me and it barely makes an impression. If it were anyone else I'd be overwhelmed with gratitude -- and I used to be that way towards him but not now. I WANT so badly to be able to FEEL the love behind the nice things he's been doing lately (this past week he has been trying really hard to show love)...
I feel like I have been working so hard to grow and change for the past two years, in large part so that I can be a better wife and companion, and he hasn't been working at all. At the beginning of December we bought a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" which was very enlightening -- we realized that neither of us had been meeting the others' needs. But I feel like I have been meeting some of his needs, while he has been meeting none of mine. He used to meet mine -- and I lived on that for a long time but now I'm out.
None of that explains why his actions NOW aren't making a difference -- unless my balance literally has gone negative and he's having to work his way up to neutral. It used to be that a back rub would completely lighten my spirit -- now it makes no difference.
And on top of that, our car repairs cost 250$ more than we expected -- and now her alternator has gone out, which will be a 200$ repair plus 60$ towing. We still owe a 300$ doctor bill. That's about 600$ more than we can afford... I'm tired of fighting to survive. I'm at the point where I am okay with going into debt. And don't argue with me about it, it won't do a damn bit of good and it will hurt and offend me.
I'm overwhelmed. And I really hate that it is all happening at my favorite time of year, so I can't enjoy myself to the fullest. It makes me feel hopeless to see Rebecca and her fiance kissingkissingkissing, because I have never ever had that and I can't bring myself to believe that I ever will. Ben has never been very extravagant with his love, and now I don't think I could enjoy it if he was. So it's a good thing that I'm pretty numb right now, because if I wasn't I'd have been crying my eyes out on Christmas Eve.
All of this is making me physically ill. I almost never get sick -- if I do, it's always because of some terrible emotional thing. My belly is very sensitive to my spirit.
Please be very very cautious if you comment, and don't offer advice unless you've actually been in a similar situation. I am too fragile right now.