April 2018
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feeling worthless / tangled mind

my mind is so tangled! I have been so conflicted the past few days. I'm worried about Hannah but I haven't called her 'cause I have no minutes on the phone card. I have been talking with Anika about what we want our friendship to be, because of couse I was dumb and assumed, wrongly -- and then I overreacted in all kinds of ways because I was already depressed. And I'm a bit worried about Ashley because I know she's upset, but I have been way too scrambled to reach out, 'specially when I'm not sure if she's mad at me or not. And talking with Ben, trying to figure out how to improve our marriage when we have so little time, as he's really busy with work.

And mixed in with all that, my own feelings of utter worthlessness. Is there ANYTHING I do right? and a dose of self-pity for good measure.

And some anger, because dammit, don't be nicey-nice, be fucking brutally honest. And then I feel like I shouldn't use the work fuck, despite the fact that I love it, just because elya reads my journal. And then using it anyway because if she was upset about it she would have mentioned it or stopped reading my journal. I should re-post my thoughts about 'curse words.' All I think in lately is wild non-linear sparks, no coherency really. Just a jumble of pain and more pain. I hug myself (feeling a little embarrassed at my own pathetic-ness, and then defiantly comforting myself anyway because dammit, no one else is doing it) and cry until I calm down, though this painful lump never seems to leave my throat.

My birthday's in just a few days and I'm kinda dreading it. and I'm usually such a birthday person.

sounds: PJ Harvey: "A Place Called Home"

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(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Re: I promise I'm not preaching.I hate that its so difficult to convey sentiment/comfort over the ne
You are so beautiful. This comment really blessed me. Somehow your sweet words penetrated all my insecure defenses and planted themselves in my heart. Probably because my spirit sensed how utterly honest you were -- thank you so much. Thank you for writing it and leaving it despite your fear that it would come out wrong -- I so appreciate you being vulnerable for my sake.

Much love ♥ ♥ ♥
aubkabob ══╣╠══
love you.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
aslan_fan ══╣╠══
LOL----Duck is a four letter word, too.
Maybe you don't feel like anybody is comforting you, but you DO have 30 responses to your last few posts that hold peoples' ATTEMPTS to comfort you. That means you have a lot of friends who WANT to comfort you, whether or not it's possible.

Like I already said, I love you! I'll be praying for you.
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
Re: LOL----Duck is a four letter word, too.
tofu is a 4-letter word too
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
Re: LOL----Duck is a four letter word, too.
Thank you for reminding me of this. I DO have so many wonderful people who love me... even if they can't physically hold me, they love me, and that is very important.

Thank you so much for the prayers. ♥
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
birthday, huh?

*ships you angelina jolie, hopes she doesn't get lost in the mail* :-)
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
Oh this made me giggle like crazy! ;-D Thanks! ;-D
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
tremontidood ══╣╠══
Today is my birthday. I'm now 19. I dread it too lol
belenen ══╣ethereal╠══
happy belated birthday!
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
aw bel, i hate to see you feeling so bad... :'( i hope things are a little better now
belenen ══╣loving╠══
♥ Thank you... they are somewhat better now. ;-)
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣amused╠══
awwwwwwww yay!!!!!!!! and NO STORKS! Me no want baby now! ;-D
juansrx ══╣*mtl2╠══
Everything will be better, everything is going to be alright.

Believe it.
belenen ══╣strong╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.