Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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feeling worthless / tangled mind

my mind is so tangled! I have been so conflicted the past few days. I'm worried about Hannah but I haven't called her 'cause I have no minutes on the phone card. I have been talking with Anika about what we want our friendship to be, because of couse I was dumb and assumed, wrongly -- and then I overreacted in all kinds of ways because I was already depressed. And I'm a bit worried about Ashley because I know she's upset, but I have been way too scrambled to reach out, 'specially when I'm not sure if she's mad at me or not. And talking with Ben, trying to figure out how to improve our marriage when we have so little time, as he's really busy with work.

And mixed in with all that, my own feelings of utter worthlessness. Is there ANYTHING I do right? and a dose of self-pity for good measure.

And some anger, because dammit, don't be nicey-nice, be fucking brutally honest. And then I feel like I shouldn't use the work fuck, despite the fact that I love it, just because elya reads my journal. And then using it anyway because if she was upset about it she would have mentioned it or stopped reading my journal. I should re-post my thoughts about 'curse words.' All I think in lately is wild non-linear sparks, no coherency really. Just a jumble of pain and more pain. I hug myself (feeling a little embarrassed at my own pathetic-ness, and then defiantly comforting myself anyway because dammit, no one else is doing it) and cry until I calm down, though this painful lump never seems to leave my throat.

My birthday's in just a few days and I'm kinda dreading it. and I'm usually such a birthday person.
Tags: pain

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