And mixed in with all that, my own feelings of utter worthlessness. Is there ANYTHING I do right? and a dose of self-pity for good measure.
And some anger, because dammit, don't be nicey-nice, be fucking brutally honest. And then I feel like I shouldn't use the work fuck, despite the fact that I love it, just because elya reads my journal. And then using it anyway because if she was upset about it she would have mentioned it or stopped reading my journal. I should re-post my thoughts about 'curse words.' All I think in lately is wild non-linear sparks, no coherency really. Just a jumble of pain and more pain. I hug myself (feeling a little embarrassed at my own pathetic-ness, and then defiantly comforting myself anyway because dammit, no one else is doing it) and cry until I calm down, though this painful lump never seems to leave my throat.
My birthday's in just a few days and I'm kinda dreading it. and I'm usually such a birthday person.