Belenen (belenen) wrote,

anika / soulfriendship / kaylene / waiting, yearning still

Anika came to visit, as I posted, and we had such a deep connection. Even though she was going through a terribly hard time (two of her most valued relationships in serious crisis), I was so happy she was visiting. I didn't resent the timing because I was so glad that for once I was able to be a real support for her -- it's hard to do that over distance.

We talked about deep friendships and being soulfriends, and she told me that she was interested in being soulfriends, but that she wasn't sure she could offer that to me right now. I heard her words, but somehow they didn't sink in. I guess I thought that I had changed her mind? Because we had a long talk establishing that she did WANT to, and my overeager self made the assumption that she just was. Really, I had done a lousy job of explaining what a soulfriend is (my word, so I get to define it), and so we parted with very different expectations.

Then she went back home, decided to end one of the relationships and really work on the other, and while being sad about the one ending, she was utterly delighted that the other had come back to life. She was SO happy.

I wasn't (obviously). I was relieved and happy for her, but fighting a deep depression that got worse as I looked at myself and my marriage. I've never been giddy in love. I don't know what it's like to be euphoric. I don't know what it's like to have a healthy sex life. I was a consensual virgin when I got married and as soon as I got married I started going through issues of sexual abuse, which just KILLED my desire. Sex has always been just a physical thing for me, which just devastates me. So I just try not to think about it, except when it can't be helped. I am deeply ashamed of how rarely I have sex -- or rather, how rarely I give Ben sex. Because I can't think of it as something for me. That's the main reason that I feel like I will never be good enough as a wife.

So I was depressed about my marriage, but at first still happy about Anika because I felt like I had finally found a soulfriend, so even though I was depressed I'd have someone to lean on besides Ben, someone to listen and care and be there for me no matter what. (I asked her permission to post about this) I missed her but I thought that missing her wouldn't hurt too much since she said she'd try to stay in touch better. I emailed her, commented a lot, called her... reaching out, unusual for me. Days went by and I started to worry, wonder, and feel hurt because she hadn't responded. I talked to Ben, who did his best to comfort me and say that she was just busy -- but that didn't make me feel any better because she wasn't too busy to email other people or post. Ben talked to her on Thursday and she called me late that night and talked to me, told me that she had been too busy, that she wanted to put a lot of thought into responses to me and that was why she hadn't sent any. And that made me feel a little better.

But then we exchanged some emails, 'cause she asked me to clarify what I meant by soulfriend, and came to the conclusion that she'd not ready for that. And after a bit I realized that I can't stop loving her anyway, so I decided to accept that and just live without it, still be her friend, still support her and give to her as best as I can. I can't focus on the faint possibility that we may become soulfriends in the future -- I'd feel betrayed that she'd not giving that now. Because I do not believe that it is impossible -- impossible to do very well, yes, but not out-and-out impossible.

I'm trying to adjust my feelings and thoughts accordingly... but it is so fucking hard. She's already THERE in my heart, and it hurts so badly to realize that I'm not there in hers -- that I may never be. I can't do a damn thing about it. I know I can't love her less. It may be unfair and stupid and ridiculous, but I feel like I have lost her. You can't lose what you never had? maybe, but I thought -- believed -- that I had it. And I am so disgusted with myself for falling like that again.

It is so hard to even type the words, but I was soulfriends with Kaylene. And when I offered soulfriendship to Kaylene, she jumped at the chance, was as excited as me, and really lived it -- for just a few months. Then a ton of shit happened in her life, she was in terrible pain, and she decided that being that open was too painful, so she left me (she moved for financial reasons but didn't keep in contact for other reasons). I don't begrudge her that, I understand, but it still hurts so badly. She left me. I don't think that will stop hurting until I either die, or become soulfriends with her again. I think that we will be close again, but I doubt that it will happen in this life. It still hurts so much -- I still mourn, though not nearly as often as I used to. It has been two years, after all.

Now I feel like I've lost another soulfriend -- and it's not as bad because it was only a few days, and I only thought (rather than knew) that I had it, but it still hurts so much. And it hurts differently, because with Kaylene I was able to comfort myself with the knowledge that it was real and pure while it lasted, and this one was all in my head. And yet, looking back, I can see that neither Kaylene nor I were as open as Anika and I were during her visit... now I'm trying to turn to Ben (and he's been such a great husband lately) but it's not something he understands, since he's never suffered a loss like that.

Anika is worth any waiting. She's phenominal, incredible, amazing: certainly capable of that depth of friendship. She's just not ready. And I'll wait, even as I have waited for Allison.

But I'll keep looking, hoping, yearning for a soulfriend -- I can't squelch that desire without locking up all the most valuable parts of me. And if someone else comes along who is able and desiring to be soulfriends with me, I am not going to lock them out. I have room for more than one soulfriend in my heart, but I suspect that the first one to stay will be the most sacred to me.
Tags: kaylene, soul, soulfriendship, sunny

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