Belenen (belenen) wrote,

reflecting on friendships / kaylene / rebecca / allison ashley aubrey kate hannah / ben

I've been thinking a lot about friendships... Allison and Rebecca and Kaylene and Ashley and Anika and Hannah and Kate and Aubrey... all running through my head. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to process... I'm feeling like giving up on some people (though I really don't think I am capable of that) -- not you who are currently part of my life, but...

Kaylene, whom I just... I don't know. She emailed me the day that Anika arrived on her visit, so I didn't really have a chance to think about it. She told me the very basic facts of her life now -- and she has obviously come so far! -- and I am happy for her, but my insecurity kicks in and says, "she doesn't want to rebuild anything, you never meant as much to her as she did to you, you were stupid to love her so much." And the other part of me says "love is never a waste, and the time you had with her is sacred and can never be taken away, and if you really want to reconnect, why the FUCK haven't you emailed her back?" And my other OTHER self, the one that makes decisions, is confused and says nothing.

Rebecca. My best friend for five years, my whole world, the one I would have suffered ANYTHING for, the one who I poured my soul into and trusted completely, the one who I thought I would be soul-bonded with forever... we never talk. She hasn't asked me to be a bridesmaid yet, and I don't think she is going to. I totally understand that, since we aren't close or even friends really, but I thought that if she ever got married (which she insisted she wouldn't) I'd be her maid of honor (though even then I wondered if she'd choose elya over me). It hurts to be left out, even at this point. Especially since I asked her to be mine, purely out of honor for the friendship that we used to have (we weren't any closer 2 years ago than we are now, probably less, actually). I don't know what I want with her... I don't even know who she is now. For no good reason, I feel betrayed and hurt. And yes, it does bother me that (from what I have heard) she suggested that I stay with Ashley on Rebecca's wedding day (because for a while they planned on the same day, until Ashley moved hers). I suppose I don't really deserve to be treated any differently, but it still bothers me. I'm so disposable.

Allison is busybusybusy... I understand that she has to concentrate on organizing her life and plans for the future, but knowing that doesn't make me any less lonely... Anika is busybusybusy too, with school and husband and rebuilding self... Ashley's busy, Kate doesn't have internet, Aubrey's busy, Hannah lives an ocean away and is usually busy but made time for me this week ♥ ♥ ♥ thank you lovely ♥... There are so many wonderful people in my life but no one has time to invest in me. I take that back -- some of you DO invest in me and I love you so much for it, but I want more, I want conversations and (if physically possible) cuddles and outings. I'm so lonely.

I have been investing a LOT in Ben this week... I'd list it but then I'd feel stupid because it wouldn't look like a lot, but it WAS because it was stuff that I don't really like to do that means a lot to him. But he wants me to be excited about him, and I just can't, when he's all stressed and thus distant and scary-irritable. And I'm afraid that he's going to be all upset that I wrote that in here but I'm so tired of keeping it all to myself. Sometimes he's not perfect, dammit, and I ought to be able to admit that. He does try, and that is the important thing, but it doesn't always make me feel better. And I need more. I need understanding and sweet touches and I need him not to dump his worries on me. Share? yes; dump? no. There is a difference. And he says that one of his favorite things about me is that I don't go telling others about his mistakes, but I'm tired tired tired of that! I hate keeping secrets and it's either talk about only the strife that's my fault or don't talk about it at all and I'm tired of listing my faults and I'm tired of keeping silent about the thing that my life revolves around. And this is starting to get stream-of-consciousness and run-on so I should stop now before I write a million more words.
Tags: allison, ashe, b - ex-partner, ex-in-laws, friendship, hannah, kate, kaylene, lj friends, rebecca, those passing through

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