Belenen (belenen) wrote,

  • Mood:

paradoxically doing well / stress

I've been doing so well, outwardly; I've been sleeping 6-8 hours a night and getting up with no problem(!!!), being full of energy at work, wearing makeup (which I used to do when I felt down, to give myself an ego boost, but now I wear it when I feel good and want to decorate myself), drinking enough water... stuff I do when I'm happy. But I'm not happy, which makes it all so very strange. Where is this energy coming from? Maybe I'm just stronger now and can bear my sorrow without it sucking all my energy... or maybe someone(s) is(are) praying very faithfully for me. Whatever it is, I am grateful for it, because lack of energy is so frustrating. And my loneliness is easier to bear when I have some energy.

I'm not at full energy, obviously, which is why I haven't been posting/commenting for the past few days -- my creativity is the first thing to go when I'm on diminished energy... I miss my friends so much, and now Anika can't come down in March, and Hannah's August visit seems SO FAR AWAY... I feel like I am just existing from visit to visit, and only LIVING when I have a realfriend around. I used to have a daily-contact-is-essential kind of friendship and I want that again. BAH. If I seem obsessive on that lately, it's because I AM -- I can hardly think about anything else. Hannah's visit is all that I daydream about. And maybe I'm doing it to escape the financial stress we're under... the car has needed ALL of our extra money for the past... four or five months. I didn't even get to spend most of my birthday money because we simply couldn't spare it. (but I am keeping track of how much I have left for when we have some extra again!)

I feel like I'm running down a path, leaning so far forward that if I don't keep running I will fall on my face. I can't look ahead to focus on any goals because I'm too busy watching the path and hoping to get my feet underneath me, rather than trailing behind.

And I feel... unsacred. I feel like those things about me that I consider sacred are actually worthless or ludicrous, because no one holds them in reverence like I do. Ben tries, but it it really hard to reverence something that you don't understand. I want to share them here -- I've had a post in mind for days -- but I am afraid that either no one will respond, or the responses will be too casual. faetal, it meant more than words can say when you posted that response to my dream about the windpeople... what I want and fear to share is a part of me in the same way my dreams are.
Tags: hannah, lj friends, pain, spirituality

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