May 2018
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past close friendships -- abandonment

Ideas have bottlenecked in my brain. So much I want to say! Aish.

I've been thinking over past friendships -- all of the friendships that meant the most to me ended in me being left behind, for one reason or another. My first friend, Sara, left me because her parents became missionaries and moved to Mexico. My second close friend, Sylvia, was the one literally left behind when I moved to D.C., but I wrote her constantly, sent her presents, missed her desperately, while she seemed to move on with little worry. She did love me, I know, but she was three years younger (and since I was 11, that was a big difference), and just didn't have the maturity to return my love and devotion.

Then I grew close with Sienna, but after a year, a Kristin (never trust those who spell it with a final 'i') moved into the neighborhood and convinced her that I was uncool for still playing with Barbies at the ripe old age of 12, and Sienna left me and imagination behind for makeovers and movies (and power rangers!). The worst part of that was my parent's continual insistance that the break up was my fault -- and I knew that I had been very mature about it. I had a birthday party (which I saved up babysitting money for and planned out so carefully) to which I invited Sienna, and when Kristin showed up and wanted to be a part of it, I let her, because I wanted to be friends with her since she was important to Sienna. Kristin was very friendly with me during the party, but afterwards she went right back to hating me. That was the final straw, after that I made no more moves toward either of them. Once a few months after the party, Sienna came over and gave me a drawing she had made for me... it was so awkward, but it was somewhat satisfying to realize that she did care about me -- she just cared more about the opinions of her other friends. I saw a glimpse of her soul then, saw how she felt like she had no choice, and I felt sorry for her.

Then we moved back to GA and I became close with Rebecca, deep deep friends. We were SO connected and SO committed to each other. We thought we would grow up and live together in the forest, near a grassy clearing where we'd go lay under the stars at night and talk... we had a soulfriendship, and that is the only reason I am alive today. I really don't think I could have made it through that time alone... I was so desperately depressed. I cried so much, yet was so numb, ugh, I hate to even think about it. And yet I was never oppressed in school, I was an outsider but I enjoyed that. I liked shocking and confusing people. I once found a purple bridesmaid dress at the thrift store, and I loved it so much that I bought it and wore it to school, complete with fancy shoes and the ever-present trenchcoat (which I removed in class). I took the stares as compliments; I loved being considered 'weird.' Once a guy told me that I was really weird, and without even thinking, I said, "Thank you!" in a pleased tone -- and only later realized that that probably confused him more. The cookie-cutter mentality that most assumed did wear me down, but mostly I laughed at people. More than anything, what I hated about high school was the oppressiveness of being forced to waste my brain on unimportant shit, and not being able to learn what I wanted, go where I wanted... I HATED having my day completely structured, down to the minute. And I'm now realizing that at the subconscious level I was starting to process the abuse... for a month, I prayed constantly to die, unable to think about anything else. I felt that it was wrong for me to decide that for myself, but I wanted it so badly that I begged and begged God to let me go home. Rebecca was my support and encouragement. She hated any physical touch, but she would hug me anyway, because she knew I needed it.

Then she realized that she didn't know much about herself, that what she had thought was HER was an elaborate shell. I had thought the shell was her true self too, and even though she hadn't done anything intentionally, I felt betrayed, because I bared all of me to her, and she didn't, couldn't. This caused a giant chasm between us, because I felt like our whole friendship had been based on a lie, and I told her that to continue our friendship, I had to know that she would learn herself so that she could share with me, and she promised to try. Two months later I moved to PA, and I wrote her constantly and called her as much as my phone card and parents would permit. I think she wrote back once, but I'm not sure, it might have been twice or none. I was always the one to call her... and she didn't keep her promise. As months went by, I felt more and more abandoned, and by the time Ben and I got together, I was convinced that our friendship was over.

Then there was Allison, such an incredibly wonderful person that I am literally full of light when I am with her and all I want to do is hug her and delight in being near her. We grew apart as she spent time so far away for college, and haven't really spent any time together for a good while now. She's very stressed and busy... and I think that the fact that her 'hetero-life-partner' dislikes me is a strong point against me. I feel helpless against that, and I know that chasing her will only drive her further away. I think we will be friends in the future, but I can't see it happening soon. For the first time since the beginning of our friendship, she didn't give me a birthday present this year -- and it's not that I care so much about getting something, it's just that it seems like a sign.

And Kaylene. I still miss her so much -- it's been over two years, but I'll never be able to stop loving her. I don't feel like it's time for us to resume our friendship yet, but I haven't lost faith -- one day we will. She was the deepest friend I've ever had, and the only person I have ever met who was able to just choose openness and depth and LIVE it. Sadly, life caved in on her and she left that life and me behind... but not without making incredible changes in my life. She was so fearless, so bold, and she inspired me to live out my own boldness.

Then Ashley. We had begun a deep friendship, grown close, and then something happened in her life that caused her to withdraw. Leaning on experience, I believed that chasing her would be a waste of energy, and quite possibly have a negative effect, so I let her withdraw, thinking that she would return when she was ready. She didn't, because she had (shockingly to me) wanted me to chase her, and our friendship drifted into neutrality. We're now in the process of figuring out where we want to go from here.

And Anika. I understand her reasons for declining a deep friendship right now, but at the same time, I don't understand them at all, because I believe that soulfriendship restores more energy than it takes. I don't know what to think. Her reasons are pretty much identical to Allison's, so I tend to think that the only thing to do is wait. And illogically feel rejected.

The two friends who have always been there are elya and Kristen, and they give me so much comfort. elya was the only one who stayed in contact when I went through spiritual boot camp in PA. You will never know how much that meant to me, elya. And Kristen has loved me through all my silences and distance, unwavering.

I don't know why I wanted to write this... I felt the need to process my losses, I suppose. I think they have been heavy on my subconscious lately, which is why I have felt so terribly lonely. I feel like going out on the street with a sign that says, "be my friend?" Something, anything, I need love.

Actually, I think I know why all of this is so fresh. I'm wanting to commit my heart to another, and my heart is saying to me, "You know it's going to end in abandonment" and I struggle to believe that the joy is worth the pain. At the core, I believe that, but so much of me just cringes and says, "Please don't make me walk through the fire again." And part of me says that it is impossible to have a long-distance soulfriendship... while the other part says that I've done it twice before, it's difficult but not anywhere near impossible. I'll just have to get my hugs and such from Ben -- but that makes me want to cry because he doesn't enjoy cuddling and I don't want just sympathy cuddles, I want the kind I give, the kind that is given because you just can't help it, it's natural. Why can't I have a nearby friend? Somebody cuddly move here please. :-(

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camilleyun ══╣╠══
I also want to add to the comment I just wrote in your other entry which is sparked by something I read here.

As I said, I don't have these kinds of friendships not because I don't want them but because they don't seem possible. The people I know in real life are not like this. In fact, you are the only person I have ever heard actually verbalize these things. Most people do not think like this. And the argument that maybe they do and if I said something then maybe they would respond well will never EVER work for me because I really do not believe that at all. For years when I was little I tried this and always failed. It's not that I have given up but I would have to be approached. It's not so much that I care what people think but I hate to call attention to myself and have people think I am weird. This is a huge trigger for me. So on one hand I really couldn't care less what others think but on the other hand I don't want to stand out and have people commenting more than they already do on how odd I am. I prefer to be unique in a circle of support where I feel comfortable and will not feel attacked or criticised. That being said, I live nowhere near anyone I think is awesome and there is only so far you can get with emails and phone calls.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
there is only so far you can get with emails and phone calls.

yes, that is true. I have an intense need for physical touch, and sadly for Ben he's the only local friend I have so he has to bear the whole burden. I believe though that one or more of my LJ friendships will develop into real, face-to-face friendships... And I know that it only takes a week to turn a friendship from LJ to face-to-face. If Anika hadn't withdrawn immediately after her visit, we'd have been so amazingly close. I know that without a doubt, somehow, and I look forward intensely to meeting other friends because I feel that it will only take spending a relatively short time together to fuse the bond that we have already developed, and after that bond is fused, the distance will still hurt but it will no longer be a determining factor in the relationship.

heh, that was probably totally incoherent, sorry!
camilleyun ══╣╠══
I thought of some more to add. Obviously I have a lot to say about this topic as I suppose it is one ver cloise to my heart that I do not speak of.

I have ALWAYS been the one to extend myself whether it be with friends or boyfriends. Always calling people and meeting them more than halfway both literally and figuratively.

When I was in 6th grade I had a best friend named Gina. She would tell me to meet her halfways between my house and her house. I would always end up walking the full way because she would not get there when promised and I would start having anxiety attacks about it. It was awful. Despite all this we stayed friends and she ended up moving to FL about an hour away from where I live. The only time she ever bothered to come see me was for my second wedding and she complained the entire time about how far I lived and how she got lost getting here. She eventually became engaged and I was never asked to be a bridesmaid even though I was the friend she knew the longest. I did not attend her wedding when she told me that if I wanted to bring someone the only person I was allowed to bring was my mother because she was not going to pay for some guy [as I was divorced by that time] that I would not be talking to in a couploe of months anyway. Then she threw in my face how I never returned the wedding gift she gave me since I was married less than a year and it was proper etiquette to do so. I never spoke to her again. People always do these things to me and I am very sick and tired of being treated this way. For a change I want someone to ask me how THEY can HELP would mean so much to have someone [especially Ian] ask What can I do for YOU? Even if I have no idea what they can do, it means the world that someone would bother to ask.
belenen ══╣shimmering╠══
I have ALWAYS been the one to extend myself whether it be with friends or boyfriends. Always calling people and meeting them more than halfway both literally and figuratively.

I know how that is -- that's how I was my whole life until the past year, and it was so incredibly frustrating. I felt like I just wasn't good enough to be loved for who I was, just for what I did. And therefore I was terrified of making mistakes because I expected to be dropped, dismissed, forgotten for them. Often I was.

I don't know what it is that has made a change, but now I find myself being pursued for the first time in my life, and I don't know how to handle it. I LOVE it when someone emails or writes me or comments, but I am terrible about responding! It doesn't make sense.

I think it has something to do with the new company that I keep, and with the new person that I am. I no longer cling to people who only want me for what they can get from me, and I see myself as a person that others are lucky to be friends with. YOU are a person others are lucky to be friends with, do you wholeheatedly agree with that? Because it is so true. You have so much to offer. But a friendship isn't just about one person giving -- it's about both giving to each other and helping each other to grow. One of the hardest things I have learned is that when someone is not giving to you and not helping you to grow, they are not your friend, and giving to them is pouring water down the drain. It might help them, sure, but it's only going to drain you, so if you're going to give to them you need to have other relationships that are nourishing enough to make up for it. If they are not giving to you or helping you to grow, it is no shame to let them go, because they have already made the choice to not be your friend.

I feel like you have such a giving spirit, such a kind heart, and you find it very hard to give up on people. But perhaps learning how to do that is exactly what you need. If your 'friendships' tear you down, they aren't real friendships... and if you are tired of being treated terribly, then draw the line sooner. If a relationship goes stangant, no positivity or growth, then stir it up -- if it gets better keep it, if it doesn't, toss it. You can always get it later if the time is right, and keeping it isn't going to do you any good -- it will probably result in you being treated terribly once again.

These are just my opinions of course. ;-)
camilleyun ══╣╠══
I have never ever been pursued. Not by friends or boyfriends. I really can't imagine that happening as I have no reference point. In my head I like to be pursued or at least it would seem that way. Aloof has never been something I can pull off. I am so fed up with always being the one who does everything.

I definitely have issues with self-worth. Sometimes I think I am ok but most of the time I just feel disposable and crappy.

I don't really have a hard time giving up on people. I tend to have a revolving door of friendships and when it gets too tough I'm over it. Kind of like what I have going on with Audrey and John right now. I have no one else to call so sometimes I talk to them but I don't feel like they are my true friends. We are definitely not from the same tribe. They just don't get me.
camilleyun ══╣╠══
And on the topic of physical affection:

Ian and I were bickering about this the other day when he finally explained what his issue is with physical affection. Not that it EXCUSES but it sure does EXPLAIN a lot. He will never ever initiate sex. The only times we have ever had sex is if I initiate. I have never really been one to initiate as I have physical intimacy issues of my own. I have a history of letting my partners have sex with me whenever they wanted so they would not leave me. I learned that this is called consensual rape. Anyway, being with Ian is the first time I would not mind if he initiated sexually but he does not for reasons he only just explained to me. Not that it would have made me not marry him but it would have been nice if we could have explored these issues BEFORE we were married. The point is that he said sex is never something he thinks about unless I initiate and he said he actually enjoys having sex with me and there has never been a time when he didn't want to. I made him promise that he will say no if he does not want to and he swears he will. I am not a very sexual person to begin with so sex is not a high priority for me. It is not really something I think about but certainly not to the avoidant degree that he does. While I may not be terribly interested in sex [and I do enjoy it with him] I do need hugs, kisses, and cuddles. He says he feels weird initiating those as well but he does do it because that is something he is working on. I have a problem with feeling overextended like I have to be the one to do everything all the time so this is a big deal for me that he does reach out to hug me. I NEED for him to make the first move sometimes so I feel everything is not so unbalanced. I am discovering he is a lot more damaged than I knew and this gives us a lot more4 issues between us as I have some severe damage of my own. The few friends I do have are not touchy feely huggy kissy. I would like it if they were but they are not. Maybe someday I will have the types of friendships I long for but the older I get the more discouraged I feel because time passes and nothing changes.
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
Maybe someday I will have the types of friendships I long for but the older I get the more discouraged I feel because time passes and nothing changes.

I don't know if it will be any comfort, but I have found them, after seeking my whole life and feeling despair of ever finding them... it hurts a lot that they are all over the globe and I can't ACT on the cuddles, but it is comforting to know that they are there and that they would if they could. I am determined that within two years I will live near a cuddly friend. I will I will I will, because this is a goal that I am willing to fight for. How important is it to you to have a friend like this? is it something you are willing to move for?

I would really like to meet you. I feel comfortable with you, comfortably intimate. You are passionate and thoughtful, which is a rare combination. I think we should plan to meet for a few days this summer, what do you think? We could exchange hugs and cuddles and kisses. ;-)

I have begun to believe that mature humans are naturally touchy-feely, that the standoffish attitude is not a personality quirk but rather a defense mechanism.... it's something I've been thinking on. Babies will die or be seriously damaged if they don't get enough touch -- that should tell us something.
camilleyun ══╣╠══
Believe it or not, Ian and I have discussed moving to Georgia. Not that it is realistic because we are in debt, have zero savings and are living hand to mouth.

Sometimes it's hard to hear about other people having what I long for because it makes me wonder what is so wrong with me that these other people can have it and I can't. It pains me to not have the things I need.

Sometimes it's also hard to hear how close others are because [and I don't know what word to choose because threatened is not exactly it] I feel like a second class citizen in comparison. This is probably why I never comingle my friends and prefer that they don't know one another because there is always some [and I can't find the right word here either because it's not so much jealousy as it is hurt] thing that happens that makes me feel weird.

For example, John was MY friend. I met him. We spent time together. He took the job at Audrey's business because I didn't want to leave her understaffed when I was in England getting Ian sorted. He did it more as a favour for me than for the money. he was going to quit when I returned but then 2 weeks later decided he fell for Audrey. Everything changed. Granted, this is a romantic relationship but it has affected our interactions. Audrey was always my boss and not my friend. We did not hang out. Since John came into the picture we began to become friends which was something I was not comfortable with. So here I am in a situation I don't like. I became friends with my boss which I think is a bad idea and now I have lost a friend to her. I say lost because my relationship with John is not the same and I doubt it ever will be. They [John and Audrey] have a vulgar streak in common which is something that really gets on my nerves. When John was with me he would never ever think to act like that. He does now because that's what he does around Audrey. It makes me not want to be around him now.

This is one of the things I worry about let's say I did move to Georgia. Let's say you and I became real life friends and me and Ashley became real life friends and maybe the both of you introduced me to other people you know. How would that play out? In my head I imagine that there would be feelings of unevenness somewhere and it would turn to weirdness and I would end up being upset. granted that is the worst case scenario but it keeps happening to me so it scares the hell out of me. I don't really know how to keep things balanced.

And I guess sometimes I wonder how close I can be with people becasue I guess in my head I don't see how anyone has energy and time to equally focus on everyone. You have a special bond with certain people in your life and I guess because I am me and I think so lowly of myself I feel like I could never be like that with you and it hurts because I'd want it to be.

I have no idea if what I am saying makes sense.

belenen ══╣comfort╠══
This is probably why I never comingle my friends and prefer that they don't know one another because there is always some thing that happens that makes me feel weird.

I used to feel exactly that way... and my friends used to cling to each other and run off without me. Maybe it's the expectation that makes it happen?

Anna, I don't know how you make you believe that this is true, but I truly admire you and love you and want more of you in my life. You're incredible. And if you moved here you and Ashley and I could have naked Tuesdays together!!!! ;-D oh that would be wonderful ♥

And honestly, I think if all members of complex friendships are committed to making it work, there is nothing that can keep it from happening. I know that you are as important to Ashley as you are to me, so I know that we would work it out. We would squeeeeze you until you told us what was bothering you, and then we would work very hard to make up anything we had done, to heal and strengthen the friendship. Really. We love you girl. You have four arms to hold you if you are willing/able to turn to them. ♥
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
considered a trip to colorado lately?? i want to comfort you
belenen ══╣transfixed╠══
*wishes she had the money to travel!*
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
*wishes too* =(
juansrx ══╣*mtl2╠══
answer(just and answer):
Sometimes I..err..excuse me!!...we tend to think that friendships are "perfect", perfect in our idea of "perfect" of course, fun parties, walks on the flat, a pizza with some soda...sob...emails every day...sob..sob..sob...
and always a greet in your birthda...(stops writing and starts crying.).

(One hour Later...)

Well, we generally expect eternal love from those we love, and that doesn´t necesary means we are selfish, we also want to give ourselvs to other people, we want to create links to other people, but remember, humans(friends, family, and even sons and daughters) leave from our side sooner or later. But, the love is there, they always will be in our hearts
and we'll always be in theirs.

If you want to share your heart with somebody, remember "You know it's going to end in abandonment" it's only 50% true, it can happen or it can't, I'm not the most appropiate person to advice you in this area(I had equal experiences), but even I need company, I need this journal, I need to feel useful for the others, I need to find a comment on my post, I need to find an answer to my comments, and "need" doesn´t means "desperately", but "in many cases".

So, you should use every time you share with your beloved ones, just in case they leave later, be open with those who remember you rarely or seldom, and be wise and God-focused with those you want to share your heart.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
Re: answer(just and answer):
Thank you for this... you make some wise statements.
darkpool ══╣╠══
I liked shocking and confusing people
I can relate to this.

Our family used to be such close friends with another family that they moved in part to be closer to us. Unfortuantly soon afterwards, because of my mother we basically stopped seeing them. My sister and I were young and not terribly able to keep in touch with our friends from that family. (We're actually starting to get back in touch with thme now, which is nice.) I wished for a while that I had friends as close, or even friends who were closer but as time went on I just adjusted to not having any perticularly close friends. For the last couple of year I've been generally happier alone than doing things with people, with the sometimes exception of my sister. Only with Jason do I almost always prefer to be with him rather than be alone. He's also closer to me than anyone has ever been. It's nice. I made myself to be someone who didn't need anyone else and always had a plan for when someone failed me. Now I'm starting to realize that while I am capable of doing it all on my own, I can do it all much better than someone else. My life can just be better and more successful when I rely on other people, and I'm starting to beleive that sometimes that is more important than the risk that they will fail me.
I wonder why it hurts you so much abuot the friendships that are merely on hiatus? I can understand more about the ones that you know are gone, but if they're just on a break, even though it can be stressful, why is it quite so painful?
I wish Ilived nearer to you and we could strike up a closer friendship. For me right now is just not a time that I have time to invest much or much more into friendships than I already am. However i'm really hoping that this will be less the case once the wedding is through. I'm actually really excited to see how friends dynamics will change once Jason is here all the time.

belenen ══╣analytical╠══
I wonder why it hurts you so much abuot the friendships that are merely on hiatus? I can understand more about the ones that you know are gone, but if they're just on a break, even though it can be stressful, why is it quite so painful?

It just hurt from loneliness; not the fact that they were on hiatus, but the fact that they were ALL ended or on indefinite hiatus, so I felt very alone.

Notice the past tense???? I neeeeeeed to post about this!!!!!!
darkpool ══╣╠══
I see.
paravati ══╣╠══
Aww, honey. I've offered before to try and become friends with you. In person friends. I live in Atlanta, in Sandy Springs. Is that close enough, distance-wise? I'm an open and honest person, who doesn't judge people. I'm a photographer, a painter, an artist, and I see beauty everywhere I look. Even if we just were phonecall friends I'd still enjoy getting to know you better. Read your own journal; see how many people comment and write to you. Don't feel so lonely. And don't allow the past to discourage you now. It's the past. It happened for a reason -- to teach you something. Now, armed with that knowledge and foresight, you can and will create the future.
belenen ══╣connate╠══
Thank you for this wonderful encouraging comment. ♥ I am grateful for the chance to get to know you better. ;-)
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣transfixed╠══
I appreciate your candor. You're such an honest person, and I love that about you.

I really do feel that Ben is my soul friend first and foremost. And I am certain that he would say the same. But I believe that I need more, because there are so many things I am passionate about that he just doesn't care about, and if I were to ignore those parts of me I would be much less of a person. I think God could fill that place, but I'm in a sort of holding pattern with God as I slowly learn to trust him, and right now I just can't reach to him for it. I think as humans we were meant to be very interdependent, with a web of close connections. I don't think Ben and I would have survived marriage-wise if I had no other friends, because I am such an intense person and there is no way he could have met enough of my needs. I don't know where I am going. But I suppose to sum up, I do consider my relationship with Ben to be first and deepest, and I will not cheat it for the sake of other relationships.

Thank you for telling me about that dream. I'm sorry you felt that way though... I really don't know what I would have said, in real life. Soulfriendship is such a committment that I feel that I would have needed to get to know you better first, see where we are alike and where we are different. I wish you'd post more. I miss you! ♥
paperwings21 ══╣╠══
Aww sweetie. I really don't know what to say.
I wish I could comfort you because i know you feel alone right now. I feel like that sometimes too. I think everyone does.

True friendship does exist, as does 'soulfriendship'. I hope you find it because I can see it means alot to you.

belenen ══╣transfixed╠══
Thank you so much... I have found it and it is as wonderful as I had dreamed. I neeeeed to post about it, hopefully I will tomorrow. ♥
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
*hugs* I've struggled to find a deep, loving friendship that actually lasts my whole life so I can relate to the feelings of betrayal and abandonment.
belenen ══╣console╠══
*hugs back*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.