April 2018
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oooh, I'm in one of those achy-angry-furious-depressed-lonely-crazy-happy-distraught moods right now. Mainly sad.

Earlier today I got overwhelmed as I was getting ready for work, had nausea that I mastered (I'm so proud of myself for that -- my emotions didn't take over my body this time) and cried so hard I couldn't see as I put my uniform on and brushed my hair, cryingsobbingweeping as I walked out to the car (Ben drove me to work), struggled to compose myself as I walked in, stared at the floor all the way until I put my till in the drawer. Dani was at the register across from me and Shamaila was at the next one up, and they came over as I set stuff up (it was slow, very few customers) and talked, teasingly, about this and that. Shamaila asked me, "So did you have fun last night?" and Dani spoke up before I could answer and asked, "What was last night?" (I'm giggling at this point because between the question and the look on Shamaila's face, it sounded kinda dirty) and I told her that I went over to Shamaila's house last night. I forget how the conversation wound to it, but Shamaila told Dani that she knew me better, and Dani said, "Oh yeah? did she take you to the tea place?" and Shamaila said "Yes!" all defensively and Dani said, "hah! It's a coffee place, I said it that way to trick you!" Then Shamaila pretended to know what she was talking about, and it was all so charming and I felt fought over and adored and decided that I wasn't going to let my insanely-exploding emotions ruin the night for me, so I put them away and spent the night talking to Shamaila about modeling and her dreams. Then I left work and my emotions came smashing back.

I like that I have been able to handle my emotions lately, but I keep putting them off and not experiencing them because I'm afraid of them. Even when I'm home and it's my off day... I'm afraid that I can't handle them on my own, and I want someone to hold me and love me unswervingly as I turn to a ball of rage and pain. And I can't trust anyone enough to let them do that -- I suppose I'm really hoping Ben or someone will come to me and offer, and be unafraid of me and my fury and intensity and messy unkindness. I want him to realize that when I'm being angry and snappish it's because I am hurting and need to be held, but dammit I don't even realize that at the time, I just get confused by my overreacting.

I think people who read my journal get the impression that I cry a lot... I actually cry pretty rarely because when I let down that guard it's always messy and rarely ends well. I just post about it every time it happens, 'cause to me it's noteworthy. And yes, there is something sparking this new emotional-insanity, but that's for another post... I wish I didn't let it all build to a flood before posting. :-\

and Aubrey, Leslie, I didn't forget either of you but I couldn't muster the energy to do your birthday posts yet, it seems I'm always late. :-( But I love you both and hope you had delightful days. ♥

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toodleskitty ══╣Sunset╠══
Thank you for being so honest.
I rarely cry also, so yes, it's noteworthy.
Even if I cried a lot, all the time, it's still good in a way. I'd rather be emo than cold and repressed.

belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I'd rather be emo than cold and repressed.

Oh me too! Definitely.
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
acid_burns ══╣╠══
icon love :) oh how I love that film.
belenen ══╣oneness╠══
*hugs back*
juansrx ══╣photo╠══
Feel free to express everything you feel(at least, in my presence).

You are an open letter, the least you deserve is being heard(or read).
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you ♥
paradigm_shift ══╣╠══
I dont cry a lot either, but when I do it's like niagra falls. I think I tend to hold it all inside until it just erupts, then I will cry for hours on end for no particular reason. I think everyone needs that emotional outlet. Sometimes the works free flowly for some more than others. I tend to do the same thing as you- I will try to put my emotions off to the side so I dont get so wrapped up in them. But then my body comes back and keeps me in check and I go into overload. In any event, I hope that your feelings of sadness/depression/anger soon melt away.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
thank you so much. You are so sweet and supportive -- I am glad I have the chance to get to know you. ♥
cassieeeee ══╣╠══
Hi! I just added you, and I'm hoping it's not creepy if I jump in and comment.

I've been increasingly emotionally... volatile lately too. It's not instability - I know what's bothering me deep down, and it's not really interfering with my life. I'm not lashing out at people or collapsing at inappropriate times.

But if I'm alone too long and start to think, or if something sad or bittersweet triggers me, I will start crying. Really crying, with tears and snot stuff everywhere. And that intense knot in the stomach that hurts but feels a little bit better when you're crying.

I think sometimes (especially if you don't cry alot) you have to make up for lost time and cry a whole bunch at once. Like a quota! I find it's best to just roll with it. Surrender to your emotions!! Ride them out! It's like surfing, only more embarrassing.

Anyway... hi. :)

belenen ══╣analytical╠══
pish, it's never creepy to comment!

Surrender to your emotions!! Ride them out!

I agree, sometimes you just have to let go. I think if we were all completely healthy and mature, we'd burst into tears when we were disappointed, scream when we got angry, etc. -- IMMEDIATELY, without locking the emotions up. I think that's a much healthier way to deal... Sadly, we live in a very repressed society. :-(
beautymess ══╣╠══
I'm sorry you're so sad and upset.

Since Ben isn't very good at initiating hugs and such (from what I've read), perhaps you should just walk up to him and wiggle yourself into his arms or wrap his arms around you when you need a hug. I know that you prefer for him to do it without prodding--on his own, but perhaps if you take your hugs for a while, he'll become accustomed to hugging you when you are upset, and will eventually do it on his own. Just an idea.

I'm hoping your sadness will be replaced with lots of joy. Sounds like you have good friends at work who can help you with that. :)
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
Thank you so much for the support and advice. I've actually been trying that 'take the hugs' thing and it seems to be working. ;-)
beautymess ══╣╠══
So glad to hear it! :)
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
I never had the impression that you cry a lot or anything. not more than most people anyway. except me. I never cry. except at movies. :-p

sadness passes, as it always does. now I order you to go flyingtacklehug ben. :-)
belenen ══╣amused╠══
heee hee hee, when I read this I actually did go flyingtacklehug Ben -- and he was like, "what's that for?" and I told him that you told me to. ;-D My lj friends rule my life! *sighs melodramatically*

Why do you never cry? Are you never sad?
kevloid2006 ══╣╠══
lol :-)

I dunno, really. a couple years ago I was down enough that I thought I might be clinically depressed. then it just... went away, and I haven't ever really been down since.
darkpool ══╣╠══
I can get that way sometimes. I get way overupset over something and because I'm overupset it's harder to talk about it because I feel stupid for being to upset. Or it's just really nothing I'm, just mad and angry and hurt and I just need to be angry for a while. And a lot of the time I feel like Jason is just not comfortable with me being that way and just want to push me to get over it or he just doesn't understnad why I'm so upset over something small. I know he doesn't mean to make me feel that way, we actually talked about it just the another night and he worries that I'm focused to much on the past. He doesn't understand that what looks like past to him is still very, very present for me. And also that sometimes I just need him to be there when I'm angry, but I feel like it upsets him to much. I don't think he understands that I NEED to be angry, and get through it in my own time. The only other alternative is to turn it inwards towards myself.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I so relate to everything you said. I think men have this 'fix it!' idea that makes it hard for them to just support, which is what we need. Advice in a time of emotional turmoil is worse than useless. Ben's slowly getting the picture now, though I usually have to remind him when I'm in a crisis that I want love/acceptance, not advice.
camilleyun ══╣Mandy╠══
*hugs and kisses*

I hope you feel better soon.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
*kisses and hugs you back*

Will you please come visit me for a weekend sometime? We could watch movies and cuddle on the couch and talk for hours. ;-)
camilleyun ══╣╠══
I would really love that. My money situation isn't getting any better yet so I can't see that happened soon. What would I do with Ian? I can't leave him here with Mommy Dearest!
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I can relate to the fear of emotions as I've had that trouble myself. *hug* I find that letting yourself express and "ride" the emotion gets you thorugh ti much quicker.
belenen ══╣transfixed╠══
You are right, and I know that, but I often forget. I need to take my own advice and allow myself a few minutes of emotional frenzy every day. :-)
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.