Earlier today I got overwhelmed as I was getting ready for work, had nausea that I mastered (I'm so proud of myself for that -- my emotions didn't take over my body this time) and cried so hard I couldn't see as I put my uniform on and brushed my hair, cryingsobbingweeping as I walked out to the car (Ben drove me to work), struggled to compose myself as I walked in, stared at the floor all the way until I put my till in the drawer. Dani was at the register across from me and Shamaila was at the next one up, and they came over as I set stuff up (it was slow, very few customers) and talked, teasingly, about this and that. Shamaila asked me, "So did you have fun last night?" and Dani spoke up before I could answer and asked, "What was last night?" (I'm giggling at this point because between the question and the look on Shamaila's face, it sounded kinda dirty) and I told her that I went over to Shamaila's house last night. I forget how the conversation wound to it, but Shamaila told Dani that she knew me better, and Dani said, "Oh yeah? did she take you to the tea place?" and Shamaila said "Yes!" all defensively and Dani said, "hah! It's a coffee place, I said it that way to trick you!" Then Shamaila pretended to know what she was talking about, and it was all so charming and I felt fought over and adored and decided that I wasn't going to let my insanely-exploding emotions ruin the night for me, so I put them away and spent the night talking to Shamaila about modeling and her dreams. Then I left work and my emotions came smashing back.
I like that I have been able to handle my emotions lately, but I keep putting them off and not experiencing them because I'm afraid of them. Even when I'm home and it's my off day... I'm afraid that I can't handle them on my own, and I want someone to hold me and love me unswervingly as I turn to a ball of rage and pain. And I can't trust anyone enough to let them do that -- I suppose I'm really hoping Ben or someone will come to me and offer, and be unafraid of me and my fury and intensity and messy unkindness. I want him to realize that when I'm being angry and snappish it's because I am hurting and need to be held, but dammit I don't even realize that at the time, I just get confused by my overreacting.
I think people who read my journal get the impression that I cry a lot... I actually cry pretty rarely because when I let down that guard it's always messy and rarely ends well. I just post about it every time it happens, 'cause to me it's noteworthy. And yes, there is something sparking this new emotional-insanity, but that's for another post... I wish I didn't let it all build to a flood before posting. :-\
and Aubrey, Leslie, I didn't forget either of you but I couldn't muster the energy to do your birthday posts yet, it seems I'm always late. :-( But I love you both and hope you had delightful days. ♥