April 2018
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unicorn jelly / my kind-of-family / the five who lovelove me

"SISU" is a Finnish word, and it describes an almost spiritual trait of absolute, heroically stubborn, utterly unyielding, unflinchingly stoic, total determination. 'Sisu' has been described as "washing a car in the rain; finishing a story read to a child even though the child has long ago hopped off the lap and gone to play; raking leaves in a windstorm..." Sisu is what drives a person to keep a promise no matter what the cost, to do what is honorable or true or right no matter the personal suffering, to push on even when there is no hope in all the world. To have 'Sisu' is to complete something regardless of whether the act of completion has any meaning any longer...because the determination itself, the act of accomplishment alone, is what truly matters. It is the Finnish version of Japansese 'Bushido', the Samurai spirit, and it is considered the highest, most valuable, and most valued trait of any person. Sisu is the power to accomplish anything, and the power to be truly great.  Got that from the Unicorn Jelly webcomic.... I'm on page http://unicornjelly.com/uni517.html.  You should read it.  Really.  It seems a tad silly, but then you realize all the layers of meaning and you're like, 'whoa.'

I'm depressed.  I can tell you guys this 'cause none of you know anyone who knows her. (wrap your brain 'round that one)  But I consider Paula my spiritual mom, and I am feeling very left out.  Let me back up.  I saw Gabe at church today, and I was so happy to see him that I could feel myself glowing (and two other people commented).  I've really been missing my 'family' lately, but I'm scared to impose on them.  Anyway, I went up and hugged Gabe, and we talked a little (he was very happy to see me too) and he told me that Paula is PREGNANT.  I was so shocked and unsurprised and happy!  I had sensed that God had another kid for them (I think a girl), so it wasn't like "whoa, what are you doing, God?"  Instead, it was like "whoa, my mom's having a baby and she didn't even tell me."  So I was a little miffed, but he said that she didn't want to tell anybody yet, so keep it quiet, and I figured, well, it's okay 'cause she isn't telling other people either.

Then tonight after I got home, Gabe called to tell me 1.) Paula doesn't want me to tell William 'cause he doesn't know; and 2.) William doesn't have school Monday, so he doesn't need a ride.  Then he asked if I wanted to talk to her and I said sure, so he gave her the phone.  She was very cold and brusque, asked me perfunctorily how my/Ben's life was, then handed the phone back to Gabe.  (I got the distinct impression she was pissed that Gabe had told me)  Apologetically, she said she was in a grouchy mood, and we said our goodbyes.  I miss my brother....

Why doesn't Paula want me?  That's my essential question.  This is why I didn't want to move out -- I didn't want to lose the tenuous hold I had on the only real family I've ever had.  And why do I have to love people so much more than they love me?  That's the rule, of which there are very few exceptions.

I consider myself truly and unselfishly loved by 5 people:
1.) Ben, my wonderful husband, humble (nearly always), beautiful, generous, and loving (always).
2.) Gabe, my brother in spirit.  He has adopted me as his sister -- he couldn't love me more or hold me more important in his heart if I had indeed been born his biological sister.
3.) Allison, my most thoughtful friend.  She would never turn her back on me, never deny me anything I would need of her.  Her love is deeper than she can show.
4.)Jedidiah, my most generous friend.  I'm so glad God used him to show me that it is possible for a man to be godly and humble.
5.) elya, the sweetest human ever.  It amazes me how one so gentle can have such an unyeilding love.

Others love me too, but they all have their own motives and limits.  Others might love who they think I am; or who I used to be; or what they want me to be; or they might love me for what I can give them; or for what I have given them.  Only these five love me just because I am who I am, and they have decided I'm worthy of their love.  Thus their love is true, and I do not have to worry about "falling from grace."

Hmm... thinking about the ones who love me has lifted some of my depression.  Thanks, five.

feelings: lonely but loved

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genesiskenshin ══╣╠══
Ok, feeling left out here...
I love you too, Bel. I love you for who you are. I feel left out now. Sorry I have been in a bitchy mood all day. *stalks off to the corner and goes to sleep*
belenen ══╣listening╠══
Re: Ok, feeling left out here...
I know you love me; I only listed those five because they are the ones who would love me even if I did something heinous. For instance, if I killed elya, (Ben's twin) Ben would still love me. Or if I killed someone close to Allison, she'd give me a chance to apologize.
But imagine if I killed Doug or did something horrible to him; how would you react? Would you not turn your back on me and never have anything to do with me again? I'm not saying you don't love me; I'm just saying your love is not as fully developed as the five.
genesiskenshin ══╣╠══
Re: Ok, feeling left out here...
Of course I would be mad and hurt just as anyone else would. But Kristen, I could never shut you out of my life. I would eventually forgive you just not right away as anyone probably would need time to get over it.
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
*lightly smacks person above her* CARA!!! It's not about you!!! It's about Kristen!!! (Rebecca wasn't mentioned either, in case you didn't notice, so hush up!)

*huggles Bel* Whenever the news becomes public, give Paula my congratulations!

And I know it hurts for her to be acting oddly and not want to share with you, but I'm sure she has her convoluted reasoning--and that was probably partially the first-trimester hormones talking. (Rachel said she was completely nuts, and Pastor Kari was always screwing up and saying really weird stuff. Between the hormones and the fact that the baby is suddenly stealing a third of yer oxygen, the first few months are v. strange!)

Love is a very hard thing to express, and it doesn't always translate across from one person to another. (Like people think I don't love them because I don't call...but that's a whole post in itself...) I'm sure Paula wants you, it's just not translating right now. Eventually the love-Bablefish will kick in again and everything will be fine!

*huggles again for good measure*
belenen ══╣curious╠══
Thank you Allison, you make me feel better. (Like it isn't my fault.) Why do I instantly assume I did something wrong or that there is something wrong with me when someone I care about is not treating me lovingly? Hmm.
jedibubbles ══╣╠══
Just the way you are, babes. I do it too. It's not good for our psyches, either, is it? ;P
sciethen ══╣╠══

Of course Paula loves you. She was possessive of her husband, Spencer, when you lived in the house. Thus she subconsciously held grudges against you. Now she has changed, as was obvious even to you when we left. Her love for you was blatant, not hidden as it was before.

It will be interesting to see the Wynnes change their lives for the newborn. We'll have to hang around a lot.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.