Belenen (belenen) wrote,

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I don't regret my relationship with Anika / soulfriendship with Ben and Hannah

The more I think about the situation with Anika, the more I realize just how perfect the timing was. It was a horrible breakup, yes, but somehow I feel that it was the right timing. I don't regret anything. I'm glad I spent a week supporting her, holding her when she cried and trying to build her up and show her her worth. I'm glad I cried in front of her, though that was hard for me. I value the soul-sharing we did, I value the cuddles, I value the giggles and teasing. I'm glad I spent sixteen months getting to know her. I'm glad I got to meet this shining soul.

I'm glad that she did not want soulfriendship with me at the time. Yes, I was disappointed and cried on and off for a week, but the truth is, I'm glad she was honest. And while I was disappointed that she didn't have the desire, I instantly lost the desire myself when I learned that she didn't want it. Soulfriendship isn't something you can be halfway about, it's not something that you shrug and say, 'okay, sure,' to, it's not something you do because the other person wants it. It has to be something that burns within you, that rises up like a storm from your soul and clouds your sight. It has to be something that you passionately desire. Soulfriendship is a commitment, and it probably seems very confining to most. It is confining -- you are tying your soul to another for life, in a very intimate way. But Oh. My. God. it is freeing, liberating, healing, growth-inducing.

I started a soulfriendship with Ben (aka frenetik) on January 19th, 2002. I didn't have a word or clear concept for it back then, but that was the moment that we decided to commit to each other for life, forever to grow closer in heart and soul and spirit. I had forgotten just how incredibly magical and uplifting and strengthening it is. It's still that way, but day-to-day life wears the luster off. I just put in a schedule change though, so hopefully with more time together the luster will have a chance to shine through as clearly -- or more so -- than before. Ben is amazing. It takes an astonishingly strong and generous person to put up with me when I am irritable and nagging and demanding, which only comes out at home, of course. (I'm not ALWAYS that way, no, but I am often enough to require a decent store of patience!) It has been a thrilling journey getting to know Ben, learning that I can forever and always depend on him, that I can be UTTERLY myself with him and have no fear that he will give up on me or see me as hopeless. We are truly inseparable. I could not live up to even half of my current self without him, and vice versa (though sometimes I have a hard time seeing what I have given him, if I think hard enough I realize that I have given him a lot too).

On March 16th, 2006, I started a soulfriendship with Hannah, aka shioneh. I am truly the most blessed person in the world, I get giddy every time I think about it. So quickly, so easily, we held hands and took the leap from close friendship to soulfriendship. We're friends forever, and I can't fully describe the comfort and security of this eternal friendship.... it is true beauty. Here on earth all beauty is tainted with sadness because it has an end, but things of the spirit are eternal and have true beauty. We have already climbed mountains... I don't know what would have happened to me if I hadn't had the fresh joy of our soulfriendship to sustain me through losing Anika. Hannah was so loving and encouraging, affirming me when I felt like I had no worth. I am still in shock that I have this... scintillating connate spirit with which to share everything. All the nights that I cried my lonely self to sleep, all the days I walked in pain because I felt severed from the world -- they were worth it. So worth it. I couldn't have possibly designed myself a soulfriend who would be 1/1000000th as right for me. And I can see God's hand -- had I met Hannah earlier she wouldn't have been ready, and I wouldn't have been ready for her. It was perfect timing. (101 days!)

I want to mention that I do not believe that soulfriendships are exclusive, but I do think that they require a long period of growth before they are mature enough that one will have the energy to invest in a second (or third or fourth, etc.).
Tags: b - ex-partner, hannah, lj friends, soulfriendship, sunny

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