July 2018
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perfect love casts out fear / sad & happy / work experiences -- furious and delighted

You know when you're so in love with someone that your conversation is peppered with random 'I love you's just because you feel it so much you can't help but say it? And the other person says it back with just as much feeling and then you both sigh in contentment and smile quietly for a bit? I have TWO people like that in my life right now. I am the most blessed person ever. I know I would have chosen this life -- with all the shit too, yes ALL of it. I wish I had known that I had this to look forward to when I was in my darkest hours. I think it would have made a difference. But hey, I'm still here, so it doesn't really matter.

"Perfect love casts out fear" -- I am living that right now. I have love, true forever love, from the two most amazing people I have ever met, and it is casting out my fear. It no longer matters nearly so much to me that some people whom I love might think ill of me (I'm not perfect, it still matters -- but it no longer paralyses me), because I know that I can count on Ben and Hannah to see me for who I really am. Most friendships end. It seems that nearly all of my closest friendships are crashing down around my ears... Rebecca, Anika, Kaylene (although thank God, that was a friendly parting), and possibly Allison. I just sent her an email because I want to know if she wants to continue a friendship with me or not... I just can't tell. She could just be too busy... but if not, I want to know. If she's gotten all she can from our friendship and is ready to move on, I want to be able to gather my heart back to myself. She's still very important to me (always will be), and emotionally I feel like I am circling in the air, unable to land. I am okay with landing on either side, but I just can't fly any more. I feel like I am living in denial and I refuse to do that.

A few years ago I wouldn't have thought it was possible to be sad and so happy at the same time. I am still mourning Anika, though in a healthy way now. I can actually think about the fact that she's pregnant without wanting to cry over the fact that I won't be "Aunt Bel" or anything at all to that beautiful little girl (for whatever reason I am completely sure that it's a girl). It still saddens me but it doesn't rip me to shreds. I'm detatching, healing. And I know that a large part of the credit goes to all of you who offered me such wonderful support, in particular Sidhe, Mary Beth, and Kevloid. Thank you loves. And by the way, I'm not going to go back and respond to those comments individually, but know that I deeply value every caring word and the time taken to write them. I just feel like responding to them would drag me back into those feelings, and I want to move on.


I had a weird experience today at work -- this woman came through my line and just pissed me off. Usually the most a person can get out of me is irritation, but I was downright furious. And she wasn't even rude in tone or action -- just in her attitude. It was so incredibly disrespectful that I wanted to throw her stuff on the floor and scream at her to get the fuck away from me, and away from every human. Her attitude seemed to say, "humans are all worthless shit." I've never had such a strong reaction to such an indefinable thing -- there was something evil with her. I've been treated like a servant before -- this was different, far worse. And she had a kid! *shudder*

Fortunately, two customers later I got a customer who mentioned that I had checked him out before and said that I was always so smiley and friendly, and that gave me such a burst of positivity that it wiped off the other experience. I felt bad for not remembering him, but then with hundreds of customers a week it's really impossible.

And that reminds me! About a week ago, I checked out one lady who was just so fun. She started talking about these organic cookies that she loves and had to open, and eventually insisted that I have one (I protested, "but my hands are dirty!" but she insisted) -- it was quite yum. She complimented me on my bagging, my friendliness, the fact that I checked her ID for the alcohol and for her credit card, and the fact that I double-checked the turnstile to make sure she got all of her bags, and as she signed, she asked if I could call my manager up. Polly was actually on the register right in front of me, so I said, 'that's actually her right there' and pointed. She told me "You made it a joy" (!!!) and then went over to Polly and sang my praises to her. Polly agreed with her enthusiastically. ;-D I was blushing like crazy, but so pleased. I don't think the lady realized that part of the reason she was so delighted was because she wanted to be. She made it a joy for me, too! I love people who look for joy. ♥

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(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
I will remember that!
paradigm_shift ══╣╠══
Isnt it amazing how one experience with someone positive can wipe away one with a negative person? Especially when they come close together with the bad before the good. I can be having the worst day at work, then go home and see the smile my son gets on his face when I walk into the room. It makes my heart smile. That erases everyting the day brought me up until that point- the hurt, anger, disappointment, hopelessness.
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
♥ yes, the power of love... ;-)
juansrx ══╣zoid1╠══
You are a good person and very intelligent, you know how to find your joy among the hard road. You also recover really fast. I admire you in these themes.
belenen ══╣strong╠══
thank you!
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
aaugh, i'm so JEALOUS!! rite now i'm sleeping with someone i don't even really like and i feel like i just lost one of my best friends over a whole lot of stupid drama. i WISH i had more people in my life i could openly love and love and love without tons of fear and fresh inhibition. *slumps.*

but, aww, that lady who made your workday: what an angel!! i like it when i get someone on the phones who politely asks to be taken off the list and is kind and friendly to me, they lift my mood up for a moment and make me smile even if they don't contribute to my comission ;-)
belenen ══╣pensive╠══
BUT you have me and hannah at least! it's easy to love without fear someone who loves without fear. ♥ and I sooooooooooooooo wish you could come down... I will try to stop bugging you but it's hard! Hannah probably won't come again for two years! (next year I'm prob'ly going to Belgium instead) :-(

and now due to my late comment you can look back and see how much better your life is without that job. ;-) and wasn't it Joanna that you felt you were losing? if so, that's at least on civil terms. *hug*
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
i know, i really wish i could be there while all three of you will be around at once... but i do hope i can come see you before this year is over; do you want to see if we can work something out once i leave the northeast?? i don't want to be too far north when it starts getting cold, so maybe early november??
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
I'm glad you have those people. Just be careful with yourself...like I've said before, I've gotten the impression that you're a Christian, and God's the only one who can love us perfectly. Hannah and Ben will, on occasion, fail you but Jesus never will! So when you're in the depths of despair, turn to Ben and Hannah, but don't forget who to turn to first! (not saying you don't, I just know that it's a trap I fall into on occasion.)
belenen ══╣pensive╠══
yes, that is very good (and sometimes so hard) to remember. ;-)
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I'm glad you're healing. And you are so lucky to have Hannah and Ben - you really deserve the both of them.
belenen ══╣connate╠══
you are so lucky to have Hannah and Ben - you really deserve the both of them.

that is such a wonderful, loving thing to say! You amaze me Sidhe ♥ *lovelovelove*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.