April 2018
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"success" - college & career / my definition: having an increasing ability to love and show it

it frustrates me to deal with other people's mindsets sometimes. I don't look down on them or think ill of them for their way of thinking, but I get tongue-tied and can't express MY way and then I feel like I am betraying myself.

For instance, people who tell me that I should go back to school because "you don't want to work at wal-mart for the rest of your life." True, I don't, but the mindset behind that statement is completely abhorrent to me. The idea that my success can be measured by the amount of money that I make is disgusting. I would be perfectly happy making nothing more than $9 an hour for the rest of my life (and realizing how amazingly lucky I am to live in a country of such wealth) -- in fact, the only reason I would not want to work at Wal-mart for the rest of my life is that I am a gypsy at heart and I cannot stay in one place for too long. I NEED change of environment or I feel stale and dead. And I crave experience. I am so envious of those people who can say, oh yeah, I worked at 50 different jobs over 20 years -- they meet SO MANY people and experience so many mini-cultures. Every workplace has a mini-culture.

Back to the point: I define being successful as having an increasing ability to love and show it. I work for this kind of success: I actually study -- which I never did in school. I have to buy books before reading them because I am always underlining and starring things that resonate truth in me. I take NOTES! for goodness sake. And by my terms, I have been wildly successful in the past few years. I learned how to love completely and then let go -- twice! -- one ending positive and natural, the other negative and destructive, but both very growth-inspiring. My heart has increased in her capacity to love; a few years ago there was only room for about five people, everyone else was near the fringes, whereas NOW I have a heart so large that over 80 people fit well within her. That is amazing to me. I wish so much that I could show you each a picture of how much I love you, because I think it would surprise you. I think very few people actually know how much I love them, and I know that is partly because I am rather bad at showing it. I feel like there is a block holding me back, but I am trying to be patient with myself and have faith that when I am able, I will show it in ways that make you believe. Every little gift you offer me -- an email when I am hurting, for instance, as M-Kat and Nisha did, or two months of paidaccount time, as Rob and Peter did, or a thoughtful loving comment or a note in the mail or a mix CD or a postcard or a letter or wonderful wonderful gifts or simply using an icon I made or mentioning me in a post -- every single thing is a jewel to me, I treasure your gifts and I treasure you. I am so sorry that I don't show it properly but I am growing and healing and I will get better.

Right now, I could go to college, but to afford it, I would have to work as well. That would mean at least two years of my life (I've already had two) where I had very limited time to show any love at all, and the little time I did have would be stressed out. It's just not worth it to me -- two years of drastically decreased growth and positive effect on those I love -- it would be a terrible waste. I am not going back to college unless/until I can do it without working, at a school where I will actually learn and not just get a piece of paper to hang on my wall. I do not care about a degree, I only care about learning, and right now, I can do that much better by not going to school. (I still admire the dedication and hard work of those who DO follow that path, but it is not for me)

I have always felt that I will die early (not too early, but before 50), and that affects my outlook (it doesn't bother me -- I can't remember ever fearing death, I've always just looked forward to heaven. Now I actually appreciate the gift of life though, so I am glad it isn't sooner (in my feelings anyway)). I think of earthly life with a deadline, and there is much that I want to do before I die. Every moment needs to be lived with as much bold love as I can give, and not wasted. I still waste (too much!) time, but my major life choices center around being able to love and show it.

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augustupasleeve ══╣PPL╠══
It is so complex to both a.) see things differently than most and b.) so full of love for all people.

I honestly believe that the mindset of modern society is extremely warped, or even ill. The obsessive compulsions to consume, and meet standards. Ratraceratraceratrace UGH!

Many people who do see this inanity (equating standards with worth) become bitter. Some of them become elitist in attempt to rise above the madness abrading their spirits, or even extreme shrewd skeptics. This, however, isn't a healthy soul any more than that of the person who resigns to total materialism.

But you, and those like you, are in a different place. You can see through the craze of the ratrace, yet you don't allow yourself to become bitter or spiteful towards those who do condone it. You know you have a mission and a purpose to do what *you* are meant to do, and it can be so frustrating-- even so alone-- when you know that the majority of people don't see it the way you do. Like, it can be such a big task to be loving, haha, like those who shut out love have less "responsibility" to accept others and whatnot.

But of course, as difficult as it can be, it has the biggest payoff when you do succeed in your dreams and know that it is what you're meant to do, that you're loved by those who do understand, and that you lost nothing about your own worth and self-love by continuing to give it back to the world. Even to the parts that are reluctant to accept it at first.

wow I am tired, sorry if that was rambly.

Nice icon. Did you cut your hair? I noticed that in the last photoset. Very cuttte.
talkingpotato ══╣yay_wildkitty╠══
I loved this comment, and I agree with you :-)
talkingpotato ══╣curious-marble_feet╠══
That icon of you is absolutely angelic. As for the college bit, I just got a 2 yr degree and I don't think it had any effect at all on my career or salary, but what it taught me- the experiences of being around people, or finding those who are both like minded and your exact opposite and communicating with them- you can learn these lessons in life as well. What you show in this post is proof of that.
People are far too pushy with advice sometimes and I don't think they realize how negative it sounds on the other end to hear "you need to do ____ to get ____"
I hear variations of that all the time, and it's always something different to get the same result. And each person acts as if it's their advice that will get me to the destination I want to reach. And they act offended if I don't jump up and down and say "YOU ARE RIGHT!"
I think we both have naturally questioning natures, we want to take the extra time to research the right pathway for us individually, and not just go by what someone says.

That being said, I've learned far more about things glued to the history channel than I ever did in college. I was just too exhausted to retain most of what I learned. I did have a lot of good times in college, I wouldn't trade those memories for anything.

Another thing I couldn't help but notice, you feel you are going to die early? :-( I feel the same way, even when I was little I can't shake this knowledge that I'm going to die somewhat young. I hope I'm wrong :-o
juansrx ══╣*ash1╠══
I only study, not work, but I think that if you are happy with your way of living, that´s all you need, but if you can go after something else...go after it!! :)
trenchmeister ══╣╠══
How you measure success is an interesting topic. You should have your own standard for what true success is. It's really tough not to measure your success against your peers. Of course, the moment you make a change in life your peers change for the better or the worse. The better friends stick with you, but their role changes as your independent lives change.
Marriage and children are huge factors in success measurements. In order to increase wealth, it often requires putting assets at risk. Those risks can become overwhelming if people depend on you.
If you've set long-term goals earlier in life - look at those goals. Did you meet any/all of those goals? If so, we're the goals set too low for you? Were you unable to meet any? If so, you probably set lofty goals and need to rethink them. Short-term goals seem to help too - they boost your self-confidence. Self-confidence is good when it's earned. If it's not earned, it's just an ego trip.

In your case, you work at Wal-Mart. Okay, Wal-mart is the biggest retailer in the nation and there is a lot of room for promotion. Perhaps you should consider a management path? Certainly not if you do plan to go back to school. Look at your online success! You have a beautiful website, a fantastic LJ and a community to boot! Your opinions are read by many people and you impact many lives! That has to figure into your success.

Spirituality definitely has a place in those figures as well. You have kept God at the forefront of your life and he will not let you down. You're a success story waiting to be written in my book!
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
I'm in college, studying sociology, and I love almost every minute of my sociology classes.

However, because of circumstances, ALL my classes right now are upper-division soc. Which means that the last 3 years they were all random other requirements. Some were interesting, some I hated with a passion. Unfortunately, that's how the U.S. college system works. You get to study a bit of what you love, and a bunch of other crap too
paradigm_shift ══╣╠══
I understand where you are coming on about the school thing. I'm kind of in the same quandry myself.

Why do you feel you will die before 50- is this just a premonition or do you have a medical condition that I just dont know about? This comment really threw me for a loop.
inode_finder ══╣╠══
being able to love and show it
You are more wealthy as you are, than if you have 10,000 dollars.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
Bel, this entry was very inspiring to me. I do agree that the learning is important, not the degree,and success should be measured by how many people in your life you have that you love and who ove you and how fulfilling you find your work, not by how much it pays you.

BTW, you do show your love in all the little things you do.
darkpool ══╣Edmaeir╠══
People probably aren't just saying that because of how much money you earn though. If you were making the same working at idk a home for abused children or something they probably wouldn't say anything of the sort. I would suggest that it more in recognition that you have an intelligent mind and an therefore Walmart could be seen as a job that would easily get boring. Plus they may be projecting their own dislike of working with the public.

Why not go to school part time? Sure it would take longer but then you can devote more time to the classes that you are taking. Expecially if you want primarily to learn. alternativly teach yourself about thing you want to learn. Not everything require a college degree, with some thing you can test into the job if you have the proper knowledge, or show a portfolio of your work.

I've been struglling in the past year with trying to not lead my grades matter as much as spending time with people. It's always a toss up though. I feel like I ought to be more focused and be spending moretime on both really but I don't know how to achieve that.It's definetly a work in progress, and I'm starting to get little glimpses and moment of being a focused and remembering person.
anar_anar ══╣╠══
No one knows what is right for you other than yourself, so there is nothing I could say here that would really change anything. All that I can tell you though is that there will be absolutely no point in time where you will be able to go to college without working unless you come into a great amount of money. College is expensive. Screw tuition, say you get a grant or something, books, gas money, supplies, etc. they're expensive. Really expensive. After you prove your gpa you can apply for HOPE but even then, they only give you $150 a semester for books and it's never ever enough. I'm not attempting to discourage you, I only want you to realize that really, it won't be possible to attend school without working, unless, again, you come into a large lump of money you're willing to spend on school expenses.
deinellpugs ══╣╠══
success" - college & career / my definition: having an increasing ability to love and show it
I completely agree. I went to college for one year and it just wasn't for me. I could not study what I wanted and I had to take all of these classes that did not interest me at all.

I have learned so much on my own instead of being in a college setting.

I am still grateful for the experience though.
I do think everyone should try it even if it is only for a semester.

Here is my question, why are people so concerned with your education? Once your an adult that decision is completely up to you.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.