Belenen (belenen) wrote,

realization about Anika / forgiveness

I was just thinking about Anika the other day, and I realized something that made me so happy. I'm not bitter! and I'm no longer angry. I've forgiven her (not for her sake, but for my own). As my counselor told me once, forgiveness means giving up your right to be paid back -- it's cancelling the debt owed for the pain caused (whether the pain is intentional or not). It's not for the other person's sake, it's for your own. I can either sit here and wait and wait for something that probably will never happen (and in some cases, like my dad, isn't possible -- he could serve me without fail for the rest of his life and it wouldn't make up for it) or I can cancel the debt myself and be free. In order to let go of the pain and be fully healed, I have to close out the emotional transaction. It bothers me that I haven't forgiven my dad completely, because I know that is holding me back and keeping me trapped in some ways, but I just haven't managed to do it yet. Maybe I need a father figure to fill some of the debt before I can cancel the rest. I don't think I have enough emotional capital to cancel that debt right now.

I can tell that I have forgiven her because I no longer feel pain at being closed out of her life, and I know that if she came to me and said, "let's start over and be friends again," I might be willing to do that. It would depend on how positive of a person she was at that time, but I wouldn't hold any of the past as a reason to say yes or no. I feel relieved to know this. I have no regrets; I am glad we had a friendship, glad I gave to her, and glad it ended. It was just time. Goodbye Anika, thank you for being a part of my life for the time that you were.

I used to think that forgiveness was a simple decision, make it and you're done. Now I think that the simple decision is the seed, and once planted it has to be nourished in order to blossom. If the wound was more than superficial, forgiveness takes time to develop -- and I think that the nourishment necessary is the love of others. Thank you, my amazing loving friends, for helping me get to this point. I would be so much less without you. ♥
Tags: forgiveness, growth, spirituality, sunny

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