At church today a visiting evangelist 'preached' -- well, he ministered more than preached. Basically he prayed for people to be healed. When he came to me, he was afraid. I could see it in his face and his movements. I think he wanted to help me, but he had no clue what was going on inside me, and the power of my spirit intimidated him. He prayed for me, and almost tried to force me to be healed, but I wasn't, and he moved on. (God later told me that his ministry was only to body and soul, not spirit; operating in his normal capacities, the evangelist simply couldn't help me)
The presence of God was on him, though, and in his prayers, and it sang through me. I wept and wept, partly because of the pain he exposed, and partly because I just didn't understand why God didn't heal me right then. He (God) did send a lady up to Ben and I to tell me that "It will happen soon." That comforted my spirit, though my mind was like, "yeah, okay, 'soon' means before I die. I want it NOW."
...my spirit was in so much pain that it spread to my body; my head ached and I felt like vomiting.
BUT. Through the power of his presence, God was able to convince me that life on this world could draw me enough to make me want to stay. I decided to choose life. (before, I had always hated this planet -- I still don't like it, but I can accept that it isn't worthless. And I look forward to feeling at home here.)