May 2018
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thoughts on Rebecca


at least the phone works! I do sincerely thank God for that; Ben and I are both so stressed, him mostly for logical reasons and me mostly for emotional reasons.

Thank you, loves, thank you SO MUCH, those responded to that last post and thank you to those who didn't respond but managed to wade through the whole loooooong thing. I desperately needed that encouragement and just love.

I did have a talk with Rebecca on Saturday but it didn't go as I had hoped. She basically said that she wanted to be friends again, but had no idea how much she was willing/able to offer as far as time and emotional investment. She is of the opinion that relationships should just 'happen' which is something I strongly disagree with as I believe in living in continual, conscious awareness of choice. I don't think that everything needs to be laid out beforehand but I do think that two people should enter a relationship with very similar goals or it won't work. For instance, if one wants a deep, close friendship and the other wants a fun acquaintance, both are going to be disappointed. But back to the point -- she didn't know what she wanted, but she knew she couldn't make any sort of committment or goal right now. She said she wouldn't start an LJ and probably wouldn't email, but might write, miiiiiiiight call. (all of which reminded me of the last time we tried a long-distance relationship) So I ended up telling her that I was just going to let her make the next move, hugged her, and left. It was somewhat painful, because I had strange hopes that I remember living with when we were friends. Wondering if she cared as much as I did, if she thought about me like I thought about her, if she even really desired to be my friend or just went along with the flow of things. In the end, I do not understand what draws me to her, because I don't even know her. (that bothers me so much) I do know that I am not willing to ever again invest in a relationship unless I know that the other person is offering me the same thing I'm offering them. There are too many amazing people in this world, too many people who will be delighted to receive my energy and will give it back joyfully and equally.

She has such an incredible spirit that it blinds me completely to everything else about her -- such as her actual thoughts and motives and passions and philosophies on life. She's really the only person whom I simply cannot understand. Maybe that's why I am so drawn to her -- curiosity. I think it's deeper than that though. If I could show her spirit to you you would be awed, even the most cynical one reading this. And I was so hopeful on Friday because she seemed so much more open than she ever has been -- she didn't seem that way on Saturday though. I just wish I could know what she's like, and how much of herself she would share with me. I have no idea why my heart has flung the doors wide open for her, when I don't feel like I have extra energy for a new friendship, but it ain't listenin' to reason.

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Comments
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I hope you get some answers to your questions and unravel the mysery that is Rebecca somewhat. I'm not going to ask you to try and not be too crushed if it doesn't work out again or anythign like that - even when you know something mightn't work, it still hurts when it doesn't.

*hugs*
camilleyun ══╣╠══
Sadly, and even though it shouldn't be like this, I think far too often friendships are not always reciprocal. I have always found myself to be the giver and I now tend to keep myself at arm's length from certain people to protect myself until I can be sure that I won't hurt myself. I also think people hurt others in this respect without meaning to.

I am confused about something. In this post you state that you do not feel as if you have extra energy for a new friendship yet I recall a recent post or perhaps comment where you spoke of having available emotions for more than one soul-friend. This is confusing to me because one thought does not seem to match with the other.
aquarius
belenen ══╣aquarius╠══
yes, heh, it confuses me too. But I'm not actually contradicting myself -- I DO have enough room in my heart for more than one soulfriend. But that doesn't mean I have the energy to invest in a new person right now. hmmm, how better to explain... it's that I am open to the possibility, and believe that in my life I will have more soulfriends than Ben and Hannah, but right now I feel rather drained, not like I have energy to just give away in hopes of a friendship. So I think I'll have more soulfriends, but at this time I don't have the extra energy to go seeking them out.
paradigm_shift ══╣╠══
Despite how it turned out, I'm glad you talked to Rebecca. At least she was honest with you about what she can give you instead of leading you on and wasting your time like others have done to you in the past. Now you can move past all of this and focus your energies on people who love you and want to be a part of your life!
lilerthkwake ══╣╠══
You've certainly had joy and heartbreak in the friendship arena this year. Even though Rebecca is not feeling the same way you are friendship-wise, that doesn't mean your feelings are wasted or unneeded. Perhaps you can invest some time in just praying for her and thinking about her... the fruits of that labor will return to you, of course, even if you don't see her and see the blessings it has in HER life.

Hold her loosely... she's got a different idea about friendship now than you do, and that's okay. Just different, not better or worse. Count it a blessing that you knew her at all, and be joyful for all the friendships you have that ARE strong and thriving and fulfilling. You never know what the future will bring. The two of you may find yourselves closer than ever.
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
well, it's a sucky situation to be in for sure. you can't make anyone commit to you, although that doesn't make it hurt any less. but you know, God has a plan for everything and I'm sure she was in your life for a reason while she was there, and if God wants her there again someday, she will be there. keep your chin up, you know this will be all right, and I will say a little prayer for you right now.
gods_ornament ══╣╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.