Belenen (belenen) wrote,

thoughts on Rebecca

at least the phone works! I do sincerely thank God for that; Ben and I are both so stressed, him mostly for logical reasons and me mostly for emotional reasons.

Thank you, loves, thank you SO MUCH, those responded to that last post and thank you to those who didn't respond but managed to wade through the whole loooooong thing. I desperately needed that encouragement and just love.

I did have a talk with Rebecca on Saturday but it didn't go as I had hoped. She basically said that she wanted to be friends again, but had no idea how much she was willing/able to offer as far as time and emotional investment. She is of the opinion that relationships should just 'happen' which is something I strongly disagree with as I believe in living in continual, conscious awareness of choice. I don't think that everything needs to be laid out beforehand but I do think that two people should enter a relationship with very similar goals or it won't work. For instance, if one wants a deep, close friendship and the other wants a fun acquaintance, both are going to be disappointed. But back to the point -- she didn't know what she wanted, but she knew she couldn't make any sort of committment or goal right now. She said she wouldn't start an LJ and probably wouldn't email, but might write, miiiiiiiight call. (all of which reminded me of the last time we tried a long-distance relationship) So I ended up telling her that I was just going to let her make the next move, hugged her, and left. It was somewhat painful, because I had strange hopes that I remember living with when we were friends. Wondering if she cared as much as I did, if she thought about me like I thought about her, if she even really desired to be my friend or just went along with the flow of things. In the end, I do not understand what draws me to her, because I don't even know her. (that bothers me so much) I do know that I am not willing to ever again invest in a relationship unless I know that the other person is offering me the same thing I'm offering them. There are too many amazing people in this world, too many people who will be delighted to receive my energy and will give it back joyfully and equally.

She has such an incredible spirit that it blinds me completely to everything else about her -- such as her actual thoughts and motives and passions and philosophies on life. She's really the only person whom I simply cannot understand. Maybe that's why I am so drawn to her -- curiosity. I think it's deeper than that though. If I could show her spirit to you you would be awed, even the most cynical one reading this. And I was so hopeful on Friday because she seemed so much more open than she ever has been -- she didn't seem that way on Saturday though. I just wish I could know what she's like, and how much of herself she would share with me. I have no idea why my heart has flung the doors wide open for her, when I don't feel like I have extra energy for a new friendship, but it ain't listenin' to reason.
Tags: ex-in-laws, rebecca

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