Work has been terrible because the CSMs have been awful to me lately -- well, not all of them, but the two that I work with most often. My breaks are either so close together that they do me no damn good, or so late they do no damn good, and when I ask for my break (after they're 30 min to an hour late) they give me attitude! Sometimes I don't even get my breaks, and several times they've left me stranded on self-scan while they sent someone else to break early. And this has been happening on and off for over six months -- I'd get almost fed up and they'd get better, then they'd get worse again. They weren't rude to me before though, just irritated. I don't mind people being irritated with me, but I won't stand for being treated with less than the respect due to every being. Both of my managers are on vacation, go figure. I am stressed the fuck out -- every day I am clinging to every minute I have off and dreading going to work, it's ruling my thoughts. I'm also just sick of not having time with my partner, sick of having my schedule decided by a computer, sick of being dictated to.
This makes me question myself. Am I just lazy? I work my ass off when I'm at work and do my very best -- customers are always complimenting me (especially on my patience, heh). But I hate going to work. I don't want to work anywhere that decides my timetable, which really puts a limit on possible employers. I don't think I can stay working for more than a year at a time, unless it's at something where I decide my schedule.
I am very jealous of my time -- I think more than anyone that I know, I really enjoy every minute of doing what I decide to do. Even tidying up, I enjoy that when I get the urge on my own and do it to please myself. I am never bored -- NEVER. I just enjoy creating, reading, living, dreaming.
And more and more lately, I've wanted to give to my partner, because he's been giving to me. ♥ But I have no energy left. I know that Ashley's and my mom's and my little sis' and uncle's situations are not my responsibility, but I know how it feels to question yourself when you've been a victim, and I feel that I need to be that voice of assurance. It's hell, HELL, to be unsure of the truth in such a painful situation, when the truth is SO obvious but this person that you trusted is telling you that it's lies. I don't mind giving that, not at all, I feel it is such an important use of my time and energy, but I resent the fact that my remaining energy is spent on worrying about work.
Money is tight. I think we could live off of my partner's current paycheck but I need to sit down with him and see. He says go ahead and quit, but that's scary, not knowing the future, not wanting to feel trapped. If you have spare positive energy, please pray/send thoughts that he will get this promotion and that the pay increase is immediate -- we'd both be amazingly relieved, it would do wonders. *sigh* Imagine, time and energy! Oh it makes me shiver.
And my eyes. I have GPC (eyes allergic to their own protein) and a bacterial infection, which means that I can't wear contacts for at least three weeks and we don't have money for new glasses so I'm wearing my 10-year-old prescription, scratched up, blurry glasses. I hate not being able to see, and I hate these glasses because they feel like a wall between me and the world. I feel hidden, I think because I used to hide behind them. Damn. I've had these since I was 13, that seems so weird. And they don't suit my personality or my face at all. I found a pair that are SO me and look SO good on me -- they're rimless on the bottom, PURPLE, and angular, very artistic! -- but they're 180 just for the frames, plus at least 110 for the lenses. *sigh* so I will just suffer along in these for three weeks (unless my partner gets the promotion *hopes*) and then go back to contacts. Eventually I'd like to get them.
and now for some utterly irrelevant photos! the Wednesday before last I had a spurt of creative energy and made a new pair of earrings for the first time in FOREVAH. They took forever, especially since I have no wire jig (next time I have money for frivolosity, I am SO buying one!) but they're so worth it. They're amazing, I'm completely infatuated and took a million photos
I love how they swish. And they make such a pretty sound too.
f-locked because of work stuff
and I miss hannah so much it hurts, but I try not to think about that.