April 2018
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job decision / brokenness surfacing again / new feelings about God/dess

Ben and I decided to go with cutting my hours and staying a cashier -- even though part of me wants the additional responsibility and money, I just don't think I could handle the stress of learning the ropes during the busiest time of the year. And I am totally burnt out. I feel dumb/weak/lazy for being burnt out on my job when Ben's is so much more demanding, in time and responsibility, and I feel like mine is EASY, what's wrong with me? But that is the way it is. I think part of it is that I genuinely give of myself, as much as I can, when I am working. I try to give a little positivity to every person, and it's become a habit that I don't want to break, but it's draining. Cutting hours should help that a lot.

And I think the other reason I'm burnt out is that I've gotten past my healing-waiting period and it's time to go back to counseling, delve into the next layer. Things are starting to come up again -- I think my dreams are a symptom of that. I've been thinking about it for months and actually contacted the office about a month ago, but the lady who was sponsoring me (God/dess bless her) has moved and is no longer sponsoring people. So when I go back I'll have to pay... and they'll probably help some, but eeshk it's yet another expense -- it may have to wait until Ben goes into the management training program in a few months.

I've been feeling things shift within me and realign, it's very odd. Yesterday I prayed in a way I haven't for... at least a year. I dropped all my questions and stepped out into air... I didn't even know that was possible. I've been trying to reach around my questions and find the Being that I know, the one who loves me, the only reason I survived my otherwise empty childhood. I used to be able to reach right out and feel Hir heart, with little effort. S/he was right there! I think I need to go back and reread my old journals and poems, see those paths that I somehow lost, and learn how to find similar ones now. I needed to leave them in order to work on my questions, in order to break off all the lies that had nearly strangled my love for Hir -- the lies that S/he is vengeful, harshly judgemental, distant, demanding, uncaring, all-powerful but unwilling to make any effort to protect me... all the things I saw my parents as.

I had a dream about Hir way back in January... so real, so sacred to me that I posted it privately -- I didn't understand it at the time but it gave me the deepest, most loving peace I have ever experienced. I'm still very insecure in my new vision of Hir as a genderless Being, so that post will probably stay private until I have a clearer belief. I have felt new energy just sensing this beginning. ♥

...Secret by The Benjamin Gate...
oh hold me and heal me
keep my heart in your hands

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sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I think they're stil thee but beause your vision has changed, you may not yet be able to see them. Once your comfortable with their lack of gendr, God/dess will appear to you, I'm sure.
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
Wow, such syncronicity that you should post about this today! I went to a lecture about the camino de Santiago, a pilgrimage that people from all over the world walk to the burial place of Saint James. One of the realizations that the pilgrims come to on their way there is that God/dess is immediately and completely accessible anywhere/everywhere. You don't need to go through a church to experience God/dess, or through anyone else except your own experience, because the fellowship of others in that same space welcomes the holy spirit to touch them.

It also reminds me that I really, really need to go to the chapel to reconnect myself with God.
writer_lilies ══╣╠══
I don't know. It's not good to compare your job to his because you do different things. I don't know what he does, but I know customer service can be horrible. Don't feel bad about being burned out. You aren't the same person. What burns you out may not burn him out or the other way around. You have to deal with co-workers and their crap and the random public. Being exposed to so many spirits at one time is taxing emotionally and physically.

As for spiritual, I go here every morning and it helps me with that.
paradigm_shift ══╣╠══
I have a suggestion about your work that I think would be great for you. I too was a cashier (I suspect at the same place) and experienced many of the same frustrations that you have. What I did was move out to the sales floor (to softlines, actually) and worked in the ladies dept. This made such a huge difference for me- I felt like I was actually able to help people and it was sort of fun to go to work again. And moving away from the registers also allowed me to occassionally help in other areas, like crafts which was a dream for me, since I'm so crafty. It's just a suggestion- you've probably already considered it.
juansrx ══╣bmb1╠══
You said it, you wat to explore new fields, this can be the easiest job in the world(I think is not!), but if you don`t like it(as much as you did) it will be the most heavy and boring matter in the whole crazed up world!.

I had to do a web page about the transistor for a class, I had the info, the template, everything, bhut I didn`t want to move a finger...why??, because, for me that was the most boring and simple thing in the world, I could do a web page even upside down with puyre HTML...but I didn`t see a purpose about this one...yuck!! :(

If a new field awaits you, go for it!! ;)
hottergirl01 ══╣╠══
I love you.
darkpool ══╣Bats╠══
Don'y feel bad for being burned out at your job. You can't really compare one person's job to another, because they each bring different talents and abilities to their job. Ben may (or may not) like his job more thna you. Even if he doesn't like it he may find it less stressful. Thing are differently stressful to different people and it's not because they are or are not easier or harder, they just affect you differently.
beantownval ══╣╠══
I've been reading your journal for several months, and I finally found the courage to comment. (I was also a member of curvygirls for a short while, but it was too active for me to keep up.) Your entires often inspire me, and I hope that I'll be able to write as openly as you do someday.

I was a cashier at various stores and restaurants for seven years, and it's definitely a very demanding job both physically and mentally, especially during the holidays. I don't think you should feel ashamed for being tired, and I hope that less hours will help you feel better.
lorelei_sakti ══╣╠══
I'm having that problem, too. When I was a child, I used to feel the divine presence more strongly. Perhaps it was because I was going through a difficult time, as well. Maybe God/dess reaches out to us most strongly when we are children, or because, as children, we have a stronger tie to Hir because we are freshly departed from Hir world and not so attached to this one yet.
anar_anar ══╣╠══
Hello beautiful, I know I've been horrible and not keeping up at all since coming back from Turkey, I guess even before then, but it's not you (I hope you know that) it's everyone really.. I can't seem to get myself back in gear I suppose. Anyway, this is completely random and I'm probably wrong but the other day I stopped at a Wal-Mart to pick something up for my mother and I swear.. I saw you.. or someone who looked eerily like you. I was checking out and they were walking away, I almost yelled out "Bel" but I stood for five minutes thinking "would she want me to yell out Bel or Kristen? Oh god, was it Kristen or Kirsten? No, no, I think once she wrote an entry about her names and she wanted to be called Bel, yell out Bel" and then you, or whoever it was, was too far away and I'd have just looked dumb yelling out... so I didn't. I don't know why but for whatever reason it's been driving me crazy so.. I felt like I had to say something to you, maybe I'll stop thinking about it if I at least tell you and figure out if it was you or not. Anyway, I hope you're well and I hope I can make myself get online a bit more soon.
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
I know this comment is from MONTHS ago but I wanted to tell you that it made me smile and giggle so much. :D Thanks for sharing this little story!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.