Belenen (belenen) wrote,

convo with my partner about sharing pain and judging / Alias and L Word

My partner and I had an interesting conversation tonight... lately it seems like we clash so much, but it feels productive, like we're getting somewhere. Tonight especially, we had a deep conversation about sharing pain and judging, and it felt so cleansing.

I believe that being open is absolutely essential in any deep relationship, and that means sharing joys and pain, every emotion... and for most people sharing joys is easy enough but sharing pain is hard. My partner's been working toward being more open with me, and before tonight he had never realised that that meant, in large part, sharing pain. That had been especially hard for him because he had believed that stating that someone had hurt him was judging that person. I explained that judging is stamping someone with their actions. It's not judging to say, "so-n-so told me a lie and that hurt me" but it is judging to say, "so-n-so told me a lie, so they're a liar." The first is just stating a fact, the second is judging. But in his family, the response to anyone saying 'this hurt me' was to defend the action of the person who had done the hurtful thing. And yeah, they may have had good motives, but that is IRRELEVANT. If one does something that hurts another, it's WRONG, because it caused pain. And I believe that the best response to someone saying 'this hurt me' is to put yourself in their shoes, imagine how you'd feel, and tell them that you can see why it hurt, because if you had been in their situation you would have felt hurt in this way and that way, and then you say that you are sorry that they had to go through that and you give what comfort and love you can. You don't 'defend' the hurtful actions, because that makes the person in front of you feel that their pain is invalid, or worse, that their pain is entirely their own fault. It doesn't matter why -- that is a question that you ask AFTER the person has at least begun to heal.

This had created distance between my partner and I because he felt that he couldn't share pain with me because I would 'judge' the person by saying that their action was wrong, and I couldn't share my pain with him because he would invalidate it and make me feel like it was my fault. But we've worked through it, and we plan to trust each other with our pain... I already feel safer with him, I feel like we tore down this huge wall between us... I'm excited.

He also said that he's become so much more openminded lately that he'd be willing to let me put eyeliner and shadow on him (only not in public yet). *huge evil grin* I think he was influenced a bit by the other day, when I was watching an episode of Alias and I saw Michael Vartan in dark eye makeup and SHRIEKED at how hot he was. just OMG. and I gotta say, I'm proud of my husband for kicking out some mental-gender stereotypes. My partner is amazing, and he gets more and more amazing all the time.

Oh yeah, over my forced internet hiatus I rented seasons 1-4 of Alias. yeah. 88 episodes, no joke. And I can't wait for November 21st, for season 5! I haven't seen it mind you so don't spoiler it for me, you people who watch TV. I think we're gonna have to buy it, there's no way I could wait for it to go on MVP. I also bought The L Word season 3!!! on wednesday, and I'm trying to take it slow but I only have 4 eps left, WHY are there only 12? And most of it's already spoilered for me but I'm still enjoying it, and I like Helena's character more and more. maybe I'll blather on about that when I finish the season.

and I was very very good and took care of 30+ join requests for curvygirls but I still have another 20 or so to wade through. So much to catch up on!
Tags: b - ex-partner, films / shows, openness, philosophical musings

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