I do not believe in talking about someone behind his/her back; I consider that very disrespectful. Everything I have written about Ashley and everything I will write, I have ALREADY TOLD HER FIRST and usually discussed it multiple times. If I have an issue with someone, I keep it to myself until I discuss it with the primary person. After that, I feel free to discuss it with whomever I want, because it is part of my life and as such the story belongs to me. Usually at that point I have worked out the issue and I include the reconciliation in my telling of the story.
so why not make this public, if I'm not ashamed of what I have to say? because I am feeling too vulnerable and some of our mutual friends have proven to be judgmental against me on this. I do not want them to be able to comment, and I don't want to disable comments because I want to hear whatever you have to say, so I have chosen to filter them out. (((EDIT: I have now made this public because I doubt that any of those friends are going to look this up. Nothing else about this post has been changed, except that I have screened all the comments since they were originally made in confidence, and have set further comments to be screened.)))
Some of you I sorta trust and sorta don't, because you're still friends with Ashley. And it doesn't make sense to me that you would want to be friends with a person who treated someone like that -- unless you don't think it was that bad. And if you don't think it was that bad, you might do it to me given the opportunity. So essentially, I'm afraid you're going to follow in her footsteps. But I still care so much about you and I want to keep my friendship with you, so I am taking the risk of sharing this with you.
First, I want to say that I find it reprehensible that she waited almost THREE WEEKS before telling me that she didn't want to be my friend. I could understand a few days or even a week before talking, but it does not take THREE WEEKS to cool off enough to write me a 'have a nice life' email. I think she was stalling, hoping that I would get so piled up with insult on top of wounding that I made the move to dump her. Then she could say to herself that it was all my fault and all my choice, and she'd be released from her guilt. After I told her this and challenged her to correct me if I was wrong, she waited another 8 days without telling me anything. Then she unfriended me and sent me a note ignoring everything I said (again) and saying that she still thought it was just an argument, a 'failure in communication.' (apparently that's grounds for ending a friendship, whoops, I should have been more clear!) She said she didn't think she was 'healthy enough' to have a friendship with me (which may be true, but is NOT the reason she ended it).
This is a part of my response to the post she made 'to me' that apparently everyone on her flist could see:
"I feel used. I feel like I was just the stopgap until something better came along. If you really loved me, I feel that you would have made some effort by now to prove that. You haven't shown me ANY compassion in this time, the most painful I can remember. Does that sound like a loving thing to do? You have ignored me, does that sound loving? You haven't taken the time to even LOOK AT our 'friendship' -- is that loving? You have spent tons of time with others while leaving me alone, does that sound loving? I understand that it might be a bit of a sacrifice to face what you did to me, but I feel that is the ONLY loving action. And with all the extra energy you have pouring in, you can't spare any for me? That doesn't seem caring or loving to me at all. Yeah, I'm sure you have issues that make it difficult. My point is, if your love was strong enough, they wouldn't be enough to stop you. If I had been in your situation I would have been NONSTOP effort to heal the rift that I would have caused. Not because I like conflict but because my desire to heal the wound I dealt would have consumed me."
and she signed her 'have a nice life' email "lovingly." I really can't stand passive-aggressive behavior like that. She knows she is wrong, so rather than argue, she ignores and slips in little 'innocent' things like that.
over and over she has accused me of being cruel, while saying that her only wrong was misunderstanding me. I think she's projecting -- it was cruel to leave me, cruel to make me wait so long before telling the truth (that she didn't want to be friends), and cruel to continuously invalidate my pain as some 'spat' or 'argument.' That's like calling it a 'fight' when one person punches someone out and walks away.
she said I was "so cruel to me when we were talking - telling me that two years of friendship with you meant nothing, that I didn't care about you; contradicting me after I stated my feelings; telling me there was no way I could feel the way I did."
I emailed her (since she disabled comments) and said "First of all, I never said any of those things. I did not state them as facts -- I told you that was the way I felt. Since you weren't there for me, I felt that you didn't care about me, that all the support I had given you didn't merit return. I did not 'contradict' you -- I stated the fact that I did not believe you. I do not believe that there is any way a person could deeply love another person and simply desert them in a time of such need[[, and then show NO REMORSE]]. If you choose to take my disbelief as willful cruelty rather than the openness that it was, that has nothing to do with me."
It irritates me that she pretends to be helpless about the relationship ending when it was 100% her choice. She did not make ANY effort to fix it, not even to meet me halfway. That is not the action of someone who wants to keep the relationship.
There were things I didn't share in my initial telling because I was still trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. I was still hoping to mend the relationship. But at this point, doubt has been eliminated and she has thrown the relationship in the shredder.
A few months ago I had started talking to Ashley about having a deeper friendship. I was considering soulfriendship with her, not immediately, but as something to work towards. There was a very significant issue (which I will explain later in this 9-volume post) of trust that was standing in the way, but I thought that she had matured enough that once she got past that we might be able to have a soulfriendship.
If you're new to my journal you might not get the significance of that, so here's my description of soulfriendship. Basically I was considering making a lifelong commitment to her, a marriage. Before I actually made the commitment I would have gotten the approval of my two current soulfriends since they would be linked to her through me, but for me to even seriously consider it is a HUGE thing.
She said soulfriendship with me was what she wanted more than anything else in the world. I questioned her -- are you sure? went over the depth of commitment it would take, how it takes so much energy and work. She insisted that she has dreamed of being soulfriends with me for a long time. I told her that the trust issue was in the way and she said that she understood that and it was something she wanted to work on. And she did seem to work on it. Then lily came down and she was like, oh nevermind, I like her better, and dumped me. If soulfriendship with me had at any point been the most important thing to her, then it would possibly have lost some, but not ALL importance.
So. The trust issue.
This is the main thing I wanted to express... Basically, Ashley imitates me. If I say I like something, she likes it too; if I love a person she 'loves them' too (she has 30-something mutual friends with me). We are nothing alike, not in spirit or personality or mind, yet she somehow shares all my passions. She quotes me without acknowledging that it was initially my idea. She plagiarizes my personality. For instance, before me, she had no interest in gypsies -- now she's all about them, despite the fact that the gypsy lifestyle doesn't suit her personality at all. She loves security, roots, comfort -- which is the opposite of the gypsy spirit. She has never been fond of purple -- but because I adore it with a passion she does too. I talked to her about my spirituality, how I believe we were with God/dess before coming here -- and she posted about it, without even mentioning that she had gotten the idea from me. I was in love with the song "gift wrap" by butterfly boucher, and had it on my myspace -- she put it on her myspace despite the fact that she isn't fond of butterfly's music. It's still on there. I love the color spring green, it's a sacred color to me -- she bought both me AND HERSELF a pair of bright spring green earrings, despite the fact that they don't suit her, she has no special fondness for the color, and they don't match any of her clothing. She got a violet and spring green dress and told me about it over and over. I liked Plumb a lot so she borrowed a CD from a friend and listened to it and 'loved' it (after I confronted her about this issue that was the one thing she confessed to). Hannah and I both LOVE dragonflies and have for years, and so Ashley wanted to get a dragonfly tattoo. I LOVE a certain coffeeshop and now she goes there all the time. I love triple-venti black&white mochas with a shot of cinnamon -- so it's her favorite too.
Every time I would mention a friend to her, mention how awesome so-n-so was, she'd show them special attention. I told her that I was so glad that Kate and Hannah were starting to be friends, and she just kinda nodded -- and then posted a comment to Kate the next day saying that very thing! I have a deep passion for people, for understanding them, and I fall in love -- real, deep, passionate love -- and express that, often in superlatives. I'm sure to some it seems fake, but I have a gift of seeing people's spirits, their true selves underneath it all, and when you can see a person as they are at core you can't help but truly love them. She imitated this by being super-affectionate to whomever I was affectionate to or whomever I went on "oh-my-gosh-name-is-so-wonderful" rants about. She would say things that I had said to her about them. This is the thing that bothers me the most because it is such a HUGE part of my life and it's so sacred to me and I feel like she's cheapening it with her imitations. I posted about having had plans with Kristen and later that same day she spent time with her, despite having told me not long ago that she was bothered by Kristen's new life 'principles' and didn't want to be around her.
I am sure that some of that is natural -- friends blend. And I think it was mostly subconscious because she doesn't believe that her own thoughts/opinions/beliefs/actions are good enough. This is not something I am angry about, just something that really bothers me. But it got to the point where I didn't want to tell her anything because she would imitate it, and she usually beat me in posting about it, like with the spirituality thing and the kate-hannah-friendship comment. So then I would feel like people would assume I was imitating HER! and I don't want to express my love for certain people publicly because then I feel she will go after them. Obviously she has broken away from me, so maybe she'll stop. I plan to get over it, either way, and continue being me because no one can be me as well as I can; I know that cerebrally. but then there is the fear -- maybe people like bel-flavored ashley more than Bel herself.
For someone as fiercely individualistic as me, this is especially horrid. I have always loved being me, but now I have this conflicting desire to NOT be me so she can't imitate me.