October 2018
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breakup w ashley is a catalyst to positive change -- fearlessness! / deeper connections, openness


The end of my relationship with Ashley was painful, horrible, for sure, but the more I heal, the more I realize that for some reason, it was necessary. I'm going through a new metamorphosis, shedding all old ways for new ones.

I think that while I was still friends with her, I had a reluctance to invest in most of my other friends because I was so intent on having friends I could see, touch, spend time with. Friends that I could talk with without getting frustrated at some point in every conversation because I can't be with them. So I poured most of my energy into my relationship with Ashley, and the people at work. But then Ashley quit me and I quit work, and now I have all this energy! I just feel so FREE! Not because of the breakup -- that was just the spark to dry, dry tinder. I've lost the fear! (I'm still trying to figure out why the breakup would be a catalyst to losing fear)

For instance, after my first 'coming out' experience with an ex-friend last january (very disappointing), I've been afraid to express my beliefs and feelings about sexuality because, well, I was afraid of being rejected by the queers on my flist. I was afraid my beliefs would be seen as a cop-out, riding the fence -- people always say bisexuals just haven't made up their minds. And some say, if you haven't tried it how can you know? but I know what I feel and I know what I believe. And it's like all my fear just dropped away, and all my thoughts just clicked into perfect place and I sat down and wrote out the entry I've been writing over and over in my head for months. And just posted it, no worry, no second-guessing.

Also, for a long time, I'd been afraid of reaching out. Not because I feared rejection but because I didn't want to have people depend on me and then end up disappointing them. I felt like I had to be everything they wanted, whatever that was. For some reason, I've lost that fear; I've given myself permission to be human, to have connections and be myself instead of 'Dependable Girl.' I think I learned over again that the best I can do isn't enough to carry any relationship -- it's half the other person's responsibility. And that freed me to give 50% instead of trying to carry all relationships on my own. and hey, 50% is FUN! it's when it's 90% that it's a burden.

So I've been actually stepping out, commenting, emailing -- and even talking to people on IM and the phone!!! This is huge for me because I developed a phobia of IMing when I used my old sn and my (abusive, passive aggressive) biofather would IM me EVERY SINGLE TIME I got online, to lecture me because that's the only way he knows to 'communicate' with me. And I had other friends who would IM me to chit-chat -- while I love conversation, I dislike small talk. But now I have the graks to say that I don't feel like talking, or that I want to get offline. And I can trust that they understand that I love them and enjoy talking to them, but I'm not always in the mood. And the phone! honestly, I gotta give kit-kat credit for that, she broke me out of my shell by reaching out first. And once I talked with her and found it SO easy, I felt much more free about calling others. Mind you, I've only called 2 people, but the point is I feel FREE to.

fearless less less!!! I have no fear! I am free! this feels so good! I have no regrets, I feel like I am stronger, bolder, freer every day. I have so many awesome friends I can build relationships with -- what does it matter if they aren't here? I have Ben, Kanika, and soon kittens to cuddle, I'll be fine fanfuckingtastic!!! ♥

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Comments
_keena ══╣╠══
mmm.. before you starting sharing your views on sexuality, in my spirit i already felt where you stood. you didnt have to verbally say it, but i can tell by your expressions and carefree spirit that you were possibly bisexual. its no biggy to me though *shrugs*

ive been tellin people this for the past month, you gotta look out for yourself first. do what makes you happy, feel good, healthy, etc. it should be God first, then you second, and whatever else next. we spend so much time and energy on others sometimes we forget about ourselves and what WE need [for ourselves] the most. hope i made sense...

word is bond
hypnotiq
belenen ══╣hypnotiq╠══
absolutely. I totally agree on setting priorities as God, then self, then others. ;-) We can only really help others if we are strong ourselves. The blind leading the blind don't get very far.
adulttips ══╣╠══
Hope... This Way
in_withbothfeet ══╣Hope... This Way╠══
You know, I think that I relate to this post even more than some of your others that I relate to.

I have experienced the "losing fear" thing in similar ways. My circumstances were different obviously, but I understand the relief and confusion all at once when it first happens. In my case, I had been putting too much energy into an unhealthy relationship... atleast unhealthy in the sense that it seemed to require me to block out most other people in order to maintain it. I think this is because I relied too much on it for the wrong reasons, which mean that it could never hold forever. Just collapse.

and then I felt so much more free. It was very painful. But it was the first time I'd had a break up or a departure where I hadn't taken it personally to mean I hated myself... or that I was bad, etc. I realized why things weren't working and how much stress I'd had all along. And what helped me stop fearing certain things was just that, I had put so much into maintaining that relationship for the wrong reasons (or atleast maintaining its place in my life for the wrong ones) that I had to started to pull resources from outside and try to apply it to this relationship. The more I drew from my energy banks, the more I had to keep drawing to keep covering up the holes that would burn into it like acid... and it drained me. I would keep myself from fully being myself, from fully reaching out or making certain choices, just because it seemed necessary in order to keep that one relationship going. Not that it was the person's fault, that's not what I'm saying.

But I had become blind to certain things by trying so hard to see only what I wanted (for fear that giving it up would mean losing everything, and then the more and more narrow my world became, the more it seemed scary! because I *had* less in general, and giving it up seemed a bigger and bigger sacrifice if it appeared I had no where else to go...). When something happened and I had to face the decision to let it go, I realized that I had been projecting what I thought I "needed" to be, in that relationship, to the idea of other ones. Assumed I'd have to drain myself of so much energy for everyone else, too, and that it'd be more imprisoning than anything... but when I let go of the unhealthy relationship, my self-perception went back more to normal. I saw how unbalanced it had been and how, if I wanted to have successful relationships, it was actually necessary NOT to do the same things I'd done in the prior relationship!

So, like. It just completely showed me how necessary it IS to be free, and it was like I could never really go back to being as hidden as I had been. Because I realize it now.

So fear was... gone. In ways, anyhow.

And about the... depedence thing. That is a huge trigger for me, my ED and my isolation and even depression. I have always been one to listen to others and to be relied upon because I really get so so concerned but I also felt like I'd be letting people down... and then there would be nothing left of me. Like my "reason" for being liked seemed to be that I was reliable and I was scared to let that go, even a little, as if I'd be nothing. Then I realized I'm just holding other people back. Onoe of my friends started getting suicidal every time I couldn't talk, so I realizeD I had to take care of myself and ...her. By letting things be balanced...

it's still sooo hard for me. I tend to just isolate rather than try to form or reconnect relationships because of this. It's like I don't want to have to be a pendulum, in and out from being too overwhelmed, I know it's not fair and so I just seem to hide in general...

people here, mostly. And a lot of it is due to the not-liking-small-talk thing as well.

It kinda sucks to have to have such close friends so far away, I know. It is painful. In some ways I do think it would be healthier for me to try to invest more in people here again (even though I was isolating from them even before LJ and such)... but I don't value my friends at distance and less. It's difficult. but in some ways, it teaches me lessons about endurance and, I don't know, more can come from it sometimes.

I'm so glad for this entry that you were able to make. :) :) and for you.
progressing
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
thank you for sharing, I really related to a lot of that. I have another post about this brewing... it's amazing how something so negative can bring about such positive effects.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I think ^.^ is the only appropriate thing i can say! ^.^!!!
amused
belenen ══╣amused╠══
;-D
armandii ══╣╠══
I can relate to holding back because you are not able to give 100% - that is why I so rarely go onto IM, because I'm scared of getting into a conversation when I don't feel able to talk for hours and give all of my time. I'm unable to say "I have to go now".
comfort
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
*hugs* I hope you can get to that point, I know how it feels to isolate yourself out of that fear of being forced to reject someone.
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
*giggles!*

*reaches out & GRABS you!!* hehe!!
giggling
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
*jumps and yelps!* *giggles*

*billion kisses* hey when can I call you? I need another talk with my firekat!
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
katielilie ══╣╠══
I'm so glad that you are feeling so much better. I understand what it means to be suddenly free of fear too, as a similar thing happened to me earlier this year. Granted, the catalyst was different, but the end result was very similar.

You can IM me anytime, I'd love to have a talk with you, and it can be about deeper stuff than the weather! But I will also understand if you are not in the mood or don't have a lot of time to talk. (same goes for you kashlamar, I had wondered why you're rarely ever on!)
vivacious
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
thanks babe! *hugs*
mario
faceless_wonder ══╣mario╠══
For instance, after my first 'coming out' experience with an ex-friend last january (very disappointing), I've been afraid to express my beliefs and feelings about sexuality because, well, I was afraid of being rejected by the queers on my flist. I was afraid my beliefs would be seen as a cop-out, riding the fence -- people always say bisexuals just haven't made up their minds. And some say, if you haven't tried it how can you know? but I know what I feel and I know what I believe.

i know exactly what you mean here. even though i knew for a long time about my sexuality (i am bisexual), it took a couple of years for me to fully be comfortable telling people. i was afraid of being rejected...i was afraid of being accused of sitting on the fence, and i was even more afraid that people would think i was doing it for the attention. once i started coming out to people, however, my fears were allayed so much...i loved my close friends, they all saw it coming a mile away, before i even told them.

it's such a freeing feeling to be that comfortable with your sexuality that you can see past what you fear other people will do. congratulations.
vivacious
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
thank you! and congrats right back to you. ;-)
folkchick3 ══╣╠══
I think that you are feeling free because sometimes growth is painful, and coming out on the other side can be like getting a new pair of wings (dragonfly wings in your case, pointed, not rounded!) :-)
effervescent
belenen ══╣effervescent╠══
;-)
folkchick3 ══╣╠══
You know, it occurs to me to add another post to share this with you... I have a beautiful friend I have known for 20 years. We are very much alike in many ways, very different in others, and for many years I loved her so much I didn't seek other friends, I built my life around her, and I tried to be everything she might want in a friend, lest she leave me. I see now (with the benefit of my own growth) that not only was I probably half smothering her, I put her on an unfair pedastal, and robbed myself of...well... myself. I did not figure out who I was until she was gone (not from my heart or our friendship, she just moved to another state). When we reunited (she moved back here several years later) it was all so much better, happier, healthier... I am my own person now, have my own life and loves and learning, and while she is still the sister of my heart and my true and loyal friend, I now see us both for what we are - human. I am not perfect (nor do I need to be) neither is she. And that is the way it should be. I regret that I spent so many years unconsciously making her responsible for my happiness. She didn't deserve that, and neither did I. I put myself in the role of her shadow, and never thought of myself as more than her amusing and loyal sidekick. She never ever EVER thought of me that way, she encouraged me to grow and fly and try and be... but I didn't get it. I get it now. She loved me enough to step back and make me give myself a chance. I will always love her for that. Growth is hard, but in the end, doesn't it feel so wonderful?
analytical
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
I put myself in the role of her shadow, and never thought of myself as more than her amusing and loyal sidekick. She never ever EVER thought of me that way, she encouraged me to grow and fly and try and be... but I didn't get it.

wow. I really think that Ashley put herself in my shadow, just how you're describing. and I think she resented me because she felt like I had shadowed her, but that was never something I wanted or tried for. I hope she can become her own trueself now that she's moved her life out of connection with mine.
[w] i'm flying free
notashamed ══╣[w] i'm flying free╠══
♥ YAY FREEDOM

i love you bel. you're amazing and you inspire me. :)
veneration
belenen ══╣veneration╠══
awww I love you right back girl! thank you! *hugs*
esotsm ][clementine ][ big smile
delicatexflower ══╣esotsm ][clementine ][ big smile╠══

i can relate about holding back,
i tend to hold back and suppress
my emotions -- i can't do it anymore
though 'cause you can't keep it inside.

it will only hurt you to keep things hidden
& if you deny yourself of the truth, i'm so
glad you can be real and honest with yourself.

we all go through moments like that for a reason.

you are so much braver and stronger then you give
yourself credit for... <3
loving
belenen ══╣loving╠══
awww thank you so much sweetheart *snuggles*
jodie foster grew up to be just like me
acid_burns ══╣jodie foster grew up to be just like me╠══
You're not gonna get any shit from this queer here :)

Bisexuality is just as real as any other form of one's chosen sexuality. Hey, I used to be one (though not a very good one - should've known right there and then *giggle*).

Congratulations and welcome to the other side. Personally I wouldn't want to be anywhere else :)


hopeful
belenen ══╣hopeful╠══
oh thank you lovey! ♥

*giggles* I wouldn't want to be anywhere else either. ;-)
lorelei_sakti ══╣╠══
I had to look back in your journal to see when your last day of work was. I quit my job the day before! What a coincidence.

Did Ben got that promotion at work? I hope he did. I prayed for it on his behalf.

I haven't gone online much, either. AIM slows my computer down, and I'm always afraid people will come online and distract me from what I'm doing. I shouldn't be afraid of that, because it's a good way to keep in touch with some people. I'm glad you are opening up to communicating with people online! It's so fun to get to know new people and catch up with old friends, and I'm glad you have the time to do it now.

I'll be so busy when I begin my internship next month; I probably won't go on AIM at all. I'll just keep up with the people I already know in RL and on LJ. But in the mean time, maybe we could chat online? My sn is derdriu traurige.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
we're still workin' on that promotion! hopefully sometime this month.

I don't use AIM, I use googletalk -- do you have a handle there?
lorelei_sakti ══╣╠══
woah_the_kettle ══╣╠══
Okay, I've been known to call myself straight, bisexual, and lesbian in one sentance. For many years I concidered myself a lesbian, but I've learned that I am also attracted to men, and I want to marry my boyfriend. It was very difficult for me to transition myself from lesbian to bi to wanting to be with a boy for the rest of my life.
if you want to read more about this, I wrote a whole LJ entry about it which is
http://woah-the-kettle.livejournal.com/6515.html#cutid1
connate
belenen ══╣connate╠══
wow, I relate SO MUCH with that entry. like... wow. I can see that we'd have some amazing conversations...

you're amazing. AMAZING. I love love love LOVE how incredibly honest and open you are. ♥ ♥ ♥
paravati ══╣╠══
If you ever wanna IM me, I'm LeslieShaye on AOL and Paravati_99 on Yahoo. It'd be great to get to know you some since we both live in the same town. :)
curious
belenen ══╣curious╠══
:-\ I never use those -- do you have a googletalk screenname?

it would be great to get to know you more. *hugs*
paravati ══╣╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.