I think that while I was still friends with her, I had a reluctance to invest in most of my other friends because I was so intent on having friends I could see, touch, spend time with. Friends that I could talk with without getting frustrated at some point in every conversation because I can't be with them. So I poured most of my energy into my relationship with Ashley, and the people at work. But then Ashley quit me and I quit work, and now I have all this energy! I just feel so FREE! Not because of the breakup -- that was just the spark to dry, dry tinder. I've lost the fear! (I'm still trying to figure out why the breakup would be a catalyst to losing fear)
For instance, after my first 'coming out' experience with an ex-friend last january (very disappointing), I've been afraid to express my beliefs and feelings about sexuality because, well, I was afraid of being rejected by the queers on my flist. I was afraid my beliefs would be seen as a cop-out, riding the fence -- people always say bisexuals just haven't made up their minds. And some say, if you haven't tried it how can you know? but I know what I feel and I know what I believe. And it's like all my fear just dropped away, and all my thoughts just clicked into perfect place and I sat down and wrote out the entry I've been writing over and over in my head for months. And just posted it, no worry, no second-guessing.
Also, for a long time, I'd been afraid of reaching out. Not because I feared rejection but because I didn't want to have people depend on me and then end up disappointing them. I felt like I had to be everything they wanted, whatever that was. For some reason, I've lost that fear; I've given myself permission to be human, to have connections and be myself instead of 'Dependable Girl.' I think I learned over again that the best I can do isn't enough to carry any relationship -- it's half the other person's responsibility. And that freed me to give 50% instead of trying to carry all relationships on my own. and hey, 50% is FUN! it's when it's 90% that it's a burden.
So I've been actually stepping out, commenting, emailing -- and even talking to people on IM and the phone!!! This is huge for me because I developed a phobia of IMing when I used my old sn and my (abusive, passive aggressive) biofather would IM me EVERY SINGLE TIME I got online, to lecture me because that's the only way he knows to 'communicate' with me. And I had other friends who would IM me to chit-chat -- while I love conversation, I dislike small talk. But now I have the graks to say that I don't feel like talking, or that I want to get offline. And I can trust that they understand that I love them and enjoy talking to them, but I'm not always in the mood. And the phone! honestly, I gotta give kit-kat credit for that, she broke me out of my shell by reaching out first. And once I talked with her and found it SO easy, I felt much more free about calling others. Mind you, I've only called 2 people, but the point is I feel FREE to.
fearless less less!!! I have no fear! I am free! this feels so good! I have no regrets, I feel like I am stronger, bolder, freer every day. I have so many awesome friends I can build relationships with -- what does it matter if they aren't here? I have Ben, Kanika, and soon kittens to cuddle, I'll be