Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea
My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.
((fabulous summary-by-date idea copycatted from sabr))
1st -- I feel like a bad wife, feel disconnected from my partnerFebruary
21st -- Ashley bought Anika a flight to GA for a week so that she could be with me, since she was going through a really bad time.
23rd-29th -- Anika visits; I support her while she struggles in other relationships; we talk and bond and discuss soulfriendship and I think she is interested in a soulfriendship with me.
3rd-5th -- I realize I misunderstood Anika, and she didn't want a soulfriendship, and I'm crushed at losing that possibility.March
6th -- my friends FLOOD me with love, birthday wishes in their journals, calls, emails, presents! I felt so incredibly special ♥
11th -- I spend 8 hours in the ER for severe abdominal pain, and they tell me 'we dunno what's the matter.'
16th -- I share my feelings and break the silence between Ashley and Anika (locked only to them), who had a clash during the visit
... Anika and I drift into an uneasy silence
7th -- photoshoot with Bruce GarlickApril
8th -- Hannah and I start having realtime conversations via g-talk!
13th -- I post about soulfriendship, and Hannah and I start discussing it...
16th -- after talkingtalkingtalking about soulfriendship until we are positive we have the same definition, we decide to be soulfriends! ♥ ♥ ♥ one of the happiest days of my life! ♥ ((this is extremely important because I have been waiting and wishing for a female soulfriend for years!!!))
26th -- I post a letter I wrote to Oprah, and comment wars ensue.
28th -- Anika unfriends me (and by extension, Hannah), vaguely related to the Oprah post but mainly because she just doesn't feel able to be friends with me. (Ashley is infuriated by her actions and unfriends her also) I am cruuushed, mainly because of the email she sent me.
30th -- after processing, I decide to focus on the positive.
... I email Allison, trying to re-connect, we go back and forth and then she stops responding.May
10th -- I post about what I learned from Anika
15th -- my partner and I have re-connected, worked out stuff, and I'm thrilled. He has a new, healthier view of sex.
25th -- Still mourning the loss of Anika but also so happy over re-connecting with my partner and having HANNAH!!!
... Ashley and I start growing closer, spending every Tuesday night togetherJune
22nd -- I get my hair dyed for the first time ever! and cut shorter than ever before
3rd -- I disagree with the sermon and go to talk to my pastor, and he criticizes my life. I feel incredibly rejected and devalued, but try not to let it break my tie with Liberty.July
30th -- Ashley and Kevin's relationship increasingly bothers me because she's drowning herself in him.
7th -- Rebecca gets married! I realize how much I love her and still want to be friends with her, but the next day she moves to New Mexico.August
... I talk to Ashley very seriously about Kevin, because I cannot watch her self-destruct.
27th -- HANNAH COMES TO VISIT OMG!!!!!
28th -- fun day with Ashley and Hannah
30th -- Hannah and I have fun with my partner and his family and then later we go to a fair that 'just happens' to be in town, and we spotted it on the very last night!
31th -- we watch Foxfire & have a very intense discussion, sorta related.
1st -- got depressed and my partner and Hannah comforted me, it was just incredible. I felt so secure and loved. Later, Ashley came over and we all drew on each other with markers and then drew portraits of each other!!! Hannah and I didn't sleep at all, just stayed up talking and talking and talking.September
2nd -- Hannah spends the day with Ashley, comes home exhausted from not having slept for over 24 hours, and we have a huge clash, and end up going to sleep unable to sort it out.
3rd -- I'm awed that Hannah is so open-minded and willing to forgive and work stuff out, we have a beautiful reconciliation. That night we visit the green couch with my partner and have awesome conversation. We finally showered our colors off and then talked all night.
6th -- photoshoot!!! with storeyphoto, afterwards we drive home naked in the summer breeze. ;-) When we got home we ordered pizza & looked @ pics.
7th -- visited Georgia Aquarium -- Hannah's first aquarium! (yay leafy sea dragons!) then Hannah found out that she got into Stirling! we celebrated by going to dinner at my fav. Mexican restaurant.
9th -- we went to Helen, I broke my tailbone tubing down the river... later we had a terrible terrible clash where I thought I was going to lose her and I really felt like I was going to die from the pain... we cried and cried and cried...
10th -- ...but we worked it out ♥ and I learned that with Hannah, it really is permanent, and we can get through anything. We went out for dinner and coffee at coffeehouse with my partner, and then he attempts to teach her to drive a stickshift, heh. Then we go skinnydipping with Ashley!
11th -- Hannah and I watch playing by heart ♥
12th --- we go to the book exchange and later to caribou coffee for great conversation with my partner
13th --- Hannah leaves, after a long silent sad drive to the airport.
...Ashley finally breaks up with KevinOctober
7th -- I have a 'celebration of Ashley' night with Kazi, SabR, and Cherise, and end it with a cleansing ceremony.
20th -- I make a mourning bracelet for Ashley
26th -- Allison unfriends me with no explanation
... work stress, worry about Hannah, have no internet (man that was a shitty month)November
3rd -- add 5 new co-mods to curvygirlsDecember
18th -- struggles with my partner, depression
23rd -- fight with my partner, find out that my little sister is still in danger, my mom is doing nothing to protect her from my dad; my cat runs away
24th -- meet Aurilion, have fun conversation on my green couch
25th -- see my mimosa tree dead; find Aurilion's name for her; breakdown, Ashley and Aurilion leave, eventually get courage to call them, they come back and we clash until we're too tired to continue
26th -- Aurilion leaves
27th -- gave notice for my job
1st -- Kanika comes back!
11th -- last day at work
14th -- Ashley unfriends me.
15th -- have amazing selfportrait photoshoot
... have so many wonderful conversations and new connections with friends!
26th -- miraculously find 3 remaining Torey Hayden books at the used book store and buy them with Christmas present credit!
29th -- post beliefs on human sexuality.
30th -- curvygirls breaks 1000 members!
31st -- have amazing conversation with my partner and realize how far we've come over this year. ♥
I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind