September 2018
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my poetry, my fire and fury, fighting forever


Dayum. Kelly told me I should post a poem, so I went reading through my old work and some of the early stuff was so clumsy I skimmed it really quick, but some of the stuff I wrote from 2001-2003 just blew me away. One poem in particular has much deeper meaning to me now than it did at the time I wrote it... my spirit spoke, and I didn't fully understand then, but I do now. Some are so sharply bitter, some so wildly wanton... some bring up old emotions in such stark clarity -- things I never thought I'd relive. They taste the same, sweetness and fear. And the fierceness, I remember the fierceness, how WILD I was, how I was so ready to bite the world and consume life. How I never ceased with my biting at the sun. How no matter how much pain I felt, no matter how I tried to numb myself, fires burned furiously within me and flared boldly in my art, in my writing, in my very gaze. Living every single fucking day in a world that sought to smash me, beat me, box me in -- how that honed me to diamond sharpness, made my every movement, every breath, every word, completely drenched in meaning and choice. How I was aware that every day I chose to be myself and chose to reject the judgments and the assumptions and the goals that others tried to hang on me like medals, how they tried to teach me pride in conformity and shame in difference. How every single day I was filled with fury from the moment I woke until I fell asleep, FURY at the world for being so wrong and so sure of it's rightness. Forced to live among zombies who didn't even notice as bits of them rotted and fell away under their self-denial... how I felt such a surge of furious pride every time someone looked at me with disdain. How I looked for ways to challenge their mindsets, how I seized my differences and waved them like a flag. How I challenged one group with my dark clothing and anger and challenged another with my love for God. I used to be confused as to why people were intimidated by me -- now looking back, remembering myself, I understand. The blaze in my eyes, the unrestrained screaming of my soul, spoke far louder than my smiles and soft words. Even though I wanted to welcome people into my heart, I also wanted to fight, and only those who also wanted to fight could see my softness.

While you paste on your precious plastic smile
and kneel at the altar of homogeneity,
I cringe and grimace at your helpless posturing
and am recklessly myself.
-- ©Belenen10.31.01

I had to move away from my fury to develop compassion -- but I can feel the fires growing again, I feel my wildness re-awakening. My spirit has learned gentleness, learned to bank the fires, but that is not and will never be my natural state.


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Comments
Bryce Dallas Howard : Smooth Drag..
dragonwine ══╣Bryce Dallas Howard : Smooth Drag..╠══
Your poetry is so visceral. I half expect to turn around and see you whispering them from behind me. I'll have to settle with the resonance of your words tingling across my skin instead. I particularly loved Letting Go.

Thanks for the journey.
adoring
belenen ══╣adoring╠══
oh wow, what an incredible compliment! Thank you so incredibly incredibly much, this absolutely left me speechless ♥ ♥ ♥

:D and if you'd like to read more, this is the 'latest' stuff. ;-)
drew ][ ever after ][ wings
delicatexflower ══╣drew ][ ever after ][ wings╠══

lovely poems, hun!

i think SOME of us go through
a wild period to rebel against
what we are feeling inside...
it all depends on the siutation.

but i really loved your poems.
i'm sure it was very therapeutic
for you to look at the poem with
as a wiser and understanding person.

you are such a strong person...
interconnectedness
belenen ══╣interconnectedness╠══
thank you! :-)
woah_the_kettle ══╣╠══
don't you love looking back at yourself and seeing the things you thought you forgot?
amused
belenen ══╣amused╠══
yes :D
kiss me
hottergirl01 ══╣kiss me╠══
i love how they were almost hidden gems and you showed them to us...like an unveling of sorts!!

I like SCREAM and Indestructable Place. In essence all of them were good. Just those two were my absolute favorites!

Ahhhhhh yess....THIS is what I've been waiting for! THIS is why I friended you!! I knew you weren't some surface, unfeeling motionless thing. You're a PERSON! With FEELINGS! and EXPRESSION!

I love you!
beautiful
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
thank you! :D *love!*
sister of my heart II
smurfb1ue ══╣sister of my heart II╠══
Cornered is brilliant. I so identify with bird imagery...
But if I am
a weak, fluttering, smash-winged bird,
I´m one with deadly claws
and beak
and a fighting spirit.
strong
belenen ══╣strong╠══
thank you! it's definitely one of my favorites.
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
Damn girl, you were on fire and it seems like the flames haven't died out. You really have a way with words. Keep it up!
vivacious
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
thanks babe!
sofia curtis is tough cop love
acid_burns ══╣sofia curtis is tough cop love╠══
Fiercely beautiful ♥
adoring
belenen ══╣adoring╠══
thank you, lovey ♥
airlung ══╣╠══
Your poem is absolutely beautiful, and your words give strength, sincerely.
beautiful
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
thank you so much! ♥
jumpinglegacy ══╣╠══
You are beautiful :)


beautiful
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
Re: You are beautiful :)
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! YOU are beautiful! wow! I adoreloveadmire these so much! and I am sooooooo thrillllled that you've started this new creative endeavor ♥
jumpinglegacy ══╣╠══
Re: You are beautiful :)
I'm very glad that you like those paintings. I know you and Hannah did a photoshoot together when she came to visit you quite a while ago, and I don't think that I've ever seen the photos, short of tiny ones in your/her icons. If you two would be willing, I'd really like to see them, both for interest's sake (the curiosity has been killing me for far too long!) and also I'd really like to use a couple shots to paint. Anyhow, let me know if that would be possible!
curvygirl -- me (nude)
belenen ══╣curvygirl -- me (nude)╠══
Re: You are beautiful :)
have you been to our deviantart pages? http://belenen.deviantart.com/gallery/ & http://shmeekaboo.deviantart.com/gallery/ :D More soon!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.