Belenen (belenen) wrote,

dream (youth retreat, I'm 17 and meet my 'destined-perfect' girl / I organize singing & am scolded)

I dreamed I was at a party-retreat sort of thing with a bunch of other people close to my age, and I had gone back in time to about age 17 or so. It seemed to be a spirituality-and-sexuality-celebrating retreat, and everyone was in high spirits. At first I was looking at the boys consideringly (this was before I met Ben), but none of them really appealed to me. Suddenly I thought to myself, "I should look for a girlfriend instead," and I told some of my friends who laughed and started looking for the perfect girl. There was the unspoken idea that there was a girl there who was meant for me, destined for me. I was leaning against a doorway when I felt someone pull out the back of my pants and spray whipped cream down them! I shrieked "ewwwww" and ran over to the sink to get it out, and 'the girl' was standing there holding the can, looking caught-off-guard. One of my friends was also standing around told me that she told her to do it because she thought I'd like it. I replied that I liked it when I was naked but it's gross when it gets on my clothes and gets all sticky. Then 'the girl' sprayed me with the whipped cream and I shrieked and we wrestled for a bit, trying to get it on each other. I was shocked at how easy she was to pick up, she was so light, and I thought to myself "this is totally not what I expected my perfect match to look like!" Finally we stopped and looked at each other and she said "God doesn't work by math, for sure" and when I asked what she meant, she said "I prayed, 'just don't let her have triple-Ds'." I thought to myself, 'ouch!' and looked down at my breasts, then asked why. And she said, 'because look at me!' and waved her hands at her 4'9" slender little form, and I was relieved that it was because she was afraid of comparing herself, not because she thought my breast size was ugly or something. So I started talking about how I used to compare myself to everyone, and how I had learned to see variety as beauty and no longer felt inferior to anyone, nor felt that anyone was inferior to me. I added that I was caught-off-guard by how small and slim she was, but now that I had met her, it just fit, and I loved her smallness and blondeness, and we kissed. Then someone called us outside and the dream-scene ended.

When I went outside she wasn't there anymore, it was the same place but it was as if that hadn't happened (I think because I woke up mostly when I kissed her, and then tried to force my consciousness back into the dream). We were all sitting in a long oval, and someone yelled "everybody get up and dance!" and we all jumped up and started dancing, but there was no music, so most people stopped dancing and just stood around. The few that kept dancing were singing quietly, and not in tune with each other. So I asked out loud, "are we going to sing AND dance or just dance?" several people around said 'both!' So I jumped on a chair and started belting out the only song I could think of, which was really boring and I didn't like it much and I felt uncomfortable because it was a worship song and I didn't know if this was a 'don't talk about WHICH God' type group, but it was danceable. As I was dancing (and everyone started dancing too) I floated off the chair, which was really annoying because have you ever tried to dance while floating? it doesn't work! so I kept trying to get myself to the floor, still singing. After the first verse, people started singing along, but then the leader told me to be quiet, but I hadn't finished the verse so I ignored him and finished (everyone else shut up when he said to). Then he was an ass to me and I started crying and said to the girl next to me, 'what is HIS problem?' and she said, 'you mean, what is YOUR problem with him?' and I was shocked and hurt that she would take his side, 'cause if he had waited like 30 seconds more I would have stopped. and I woke up crying and couldn't get back there. :-\
Tags: aurilion, body image, dreams, queerness, spirituality

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