April 2018
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stresssssss / joy w Hannah / deep friendship w Meliae / silly fights w my partner / amazing friends!

It's been a very strange two weeks... I feel like I am holding my breath all the time, which is why I haven't been posting. Waiting waiting waiting to hear on my partner's promotion -- EVERYTHING hangs on that, it feels impossible to live when you have amazing new life in one hand and possible homelessness and starvation in the other. Yeah, yeah, maybe that's a little melodramatic, but we don't have any sort of safety net, so that is not an irrational fear. But I am believing that we ARE getting it and everything is going to be wonderful and happy and filling-in-all-the-spaces. (pray pray pray please!)

Week before last I spend tons of time talking to Hannah, which was amazing and wonderful because she has fresh energy for the first time in a long while, and it was so incredible to be able to re-connect in such a warm loving way. And it was especially lovely because it was the anniversary of our soulfriendship; we spent so much time rejoicing over this amazing thing we've created, how it has changed our lives and brought us sooo much joy. And planning all sorts of beautiful things for the next time we are together, sharing art we've created... just taking intense delight in each other. She is so very incredible ♥

And then this past week! I've talked to Meliae so much! she called me and we talked on the phone for the first time Wednesday morning (3am on the 21st, so it was still Tuesday to me) and we talked for EIGHT HOURS (2 on phone, 6 on gtalk (voice))!!! If you can have an 8 hour conversation with someone and STILL not want to stop talking, you know that you have a real connection; I think the only other person I've ever spoken with for that long of a stretch is Hannah. And since then we've talked a bunch of times: about education, feminism, the way previous wounds affect how you live, soulfriendship, other friendships, romantic relationships, sex, spirituality, our life stories (brief versions, heh), just EVERYTHING. And it's got my mind spinning in all kinds of new directions, I love it! :D I'm very excited! and also a little uncertain because I am used to being the one that 'discovers' this incredible person and totally falls in love and pursues them until they fall in love back, but this time she found me and sought me out! It's awesome but just so totally novel to me, to not be the instigator in a relationship that I am enthused about, so I'm still kinda trying to get my bearings. I think when I instigate a relationship, I pour a lot of energy in right away, so it makes sense to me that they love me back. But with Meliae, I hadn't given anything, so why would she want to be friends with me? Meliae says that she got a very clear sense of me from my journal and my photos, and I believe her because I felt a jolt of spirit-recognition when I first saw a photo of her, and couldn't stop giggling at how happy seeing her smile made me. And if I felt it, then she must have felt it too. hmmm. I think maybe I feel like she knows me better than I know her, somehow, and that weirds me out. Despite the fact that TONS of people know me better than I know them! I don't know why I feel odd about it, it's definitely illogical. Maybe I feel like because she instigated it, she has the power to end it, and I feel out of my depth because I don't know her desires like I would know my own. hmmmm. I don't like that idea but it seems correct. poooo, I don't like finding out that I didn't fully kill an insecurity. (Still, I'm way more secure than I was before because it's only a mild off-kilter feeling, not screaming crying fear. yay for growth!)

My relationship with my partner has been tempestuous lately -- we're both stressed so we keep overreacting to things, having a big fight, and then when we've fought all the pettiness out, realizing that it wasn't even a big deal. But at the same time we're still growing more open and intimate with each other... a product of my partner striving to be more expressive, I think. He's growing by leaps and bounds. *love*

and 'Kenzy and I have been talking a lot too! She's amazing, so creative, and growing so fast! I feel humbled by her wisdom sometimes.

HOW THE HELL DO I HAVE SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE???? At this rate I'm going to start having awesome people stop me in the store and strike up a friendship just like that. Lucky doesn't even begin to describe it! The only explanation is the hands of God/dess. Thank you ♥ for bringing them into my life, and all you wonderful people, thank you for being you ♥

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kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
aw *smooch!*
belenen ══╣kissy╠══
*smooches back* 18 days! :D
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
the countdown has begun!!
katielilie ══╣╠══
it feels impossible to live when you have amazing new life in one hand and possible homelessness and starvation in the other.

I have SO been there. Good luck to you. I am sending my best wishes/good energies/prayers in your direction.

I know how you feel about the amazing people too. I have so many amazing people in my life as well, it really is an incredible feeling isn't it? :) I'm looking forward to meeting you in real life. I was just telling John (my boyfriend) about that today. :)
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
thank you so much for the positive energy/prayer ♥

and awwww! I look forward to meeting you too! :D
drew ][ profile ][ gray
delicatexflower ══╣drew ][ profile ][ gray╠══

aw, i'm sure when everything clears up and works out,
you and ben will be okay! i know you two love each
other a lot...and i know you two will be able to work
through this... *hug*
belenen ══╣loving╠══
thank you *hugs back* *kisses*
charlize theron / how soon is now?
acid_burns ══╣charlize theron / how soon is now?╠══
You just constantly amaze me.
belenen ══╣loving╠══

♥ love! ♥
earthy_goddess ══╣╠══
Much, much, much *love* to you!!! Continue to hold on knowing you will be taken care of no matter what.

Congratulations on your anniversary with Hannah! I am so happy you two have each other and you were able to connect to celebrate your soulfriendship.

Insecurity is normal with beginning any friendship. I think there is always this question of what is the other person thinking and feeling about you.

so why would she want to be friends with me

Well, the answer is because you're amazing and you radiate love!!! Cast all your doubts away.
belenen ══╣adoring╠══
I think my doubts are pretty much gone now :D You're amazing and I love you! *hugs!*
earthy_goddess ══╣╠══
You are so sweet! I love you too and wishing you all the best! *hugs and kisses back*
Tibette: Healing hug
dragonwine ══╣Tibette: Healing hug╠══
I think you unconsciously have the law of attraction down to a fine science. What else would explain the influx of positive people, love, and lessons learned that compliment your life to date?

You are a definitely a vessel worthy and capable of beautiful occurrences.

I wish you continued growth and prosperity in your existence.
belenen ══╣interconnectedness╠══
*eee!* what a lovely comment, thank you!

I've actually just recently heard of the 'law of attraction' and plan to read up on it -- is there a certain book you'd recommend?

thank you ♥ and same to you! ;-)
juansrx ══╣*mtl2╠══
You have ons and tons of friends because you are an "open-source" persoality, and out there, many people are like you!!, your attitude is cherrful, sincere, generous and friendly,so you may find many other people like yo.

The magical recipe against stress y energy discharging(??), don`t stay still!!, hit a pillow, go out and play bowling!, go to an arcade and play "The house of death", or go out to dance with your husband, activity is the best antidote against stress, so each time you too feel stressed, say "yo, peace man, peace, let`s go out, yo"
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
oh awesome! I'm open-source! :D *giggles* thank you!
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.