Belenen (belenen) wrote,

stresssssss / joy w Hannah / deep friendship w Meliae / silly fights w my partner / amazing friends!

It's been a very strange two weeks... I feel like I am holding my breath all the time, which is why I haven't been posting. Waiting waiting waiting to hear on my partner's promotion -- EVERYTHING hangs on that, it feels impossible to live when you have amazing new life in one hand and possible homelessness and starvation in the other. Yeah, yeah, maybe that's a little melodramatic, but we don't have any sort of safety net, so that is not an irrational fear. But I am believing that we ARE getting it and everything is going to be wonderful and happy and filling-in-all-the-spaces. (pray pray pray please!)

Week before last I spend tons of time talking to Hannah, which was amazing and wonderful because she has fresh energy for the first time in a long while, and it was so incredible to be able to re-connect in such a warm loving way. And it was especially lovely because it was the anniversary of our soulfriendship; we spent so much time rejoicing over this amazing thing we've created, how it has changed our lives and brought us sooo much joy. And planning all sorts of beautiful things for the next time we are together, sharing art we've created... just taking intense delight in each other. She is so very incredible ♥

And then this past week! I've talked to Meliae so much! she called me and we talked on the phone for the first time Wednesday morning (3am on the 21st, so it was still Tuesday to me) and we talked for EIGHT HOURS (2 on phone, 6 on gtalk (voice))!!! If you can have an 8 hour conversation with someone and STILL not want to stop talking, you know that you have a real connection; I think the only other person I've ever spoken with for that long of a stretch is Hannah. And since then we've talked a bunch of times: about education, feminism, the way previous wounds affect how you live, soulfriendship, other friendships, romantic relationships, sex, spirituality, our life stories (brief versions, heh), just EVERYTHING. And it's got my mind spinning in all kinds of new directions, I love it! :D I'm very excited! and also a little uncertain because I am used to being the one that 'discovers' this incredible person and totally falls in love and pursues them until they fall in love back, but this time she found me and sought me out! It's awesome but just so totally novel to me, to not be the instigator in a relationship that I am enthused about, so I'm still kinda trying to get my bearings. I think when I instigate a relationship, I pour a lot of energy in right away, so it makes sense to me that they love me back. But with Meliae, I hadn't given anything, so why would she want to be friends with me? Meliae says that she got a very clear sense of me from my journal and my photos, and I believe her because I felt a jolt of spirit-recognition when I first saw a photo of her, and couldn't stop giggling at how happy seeing her smile made me. And if I felt it, then she must have felt it too. hmmm. I think maybe I feel like she knows me better than I know her, somehow, and that weirds me out. Despite the fact that TONS of people know me better than I know them! I don't know why I feel odd about it, it's definitely illogical. Maybe I feel like because she instigated it, she has the power to end it, and I feel out of my depth because I don't know her desires like I would know my own. hmmmm. I don't like that idea but it seems correct. poooo, I don't like finding out that I didn't fully kill an insecurity. (Still, I'm way more secure than I was before because it's only a mild off-kilter feeling, not screaming crying fear. yay for growth!)

My relationship with my partner has been tempestuous lately -- we're both stressed so we keep overreacting to things, having a big fight, and then when we've fought all the pettiness out, realizing that it wasn't even a big deal. But at the same time we're still growing more open and intimate with each other... a product of my partner striving to be more expressive, I think. He's growing by leaps and bounds. *love*

and 'Kenzy and I have been talking a lot too! She's amazing, so creative, and growing so fast! I feel humbled by her wisdom sometimes.

HOW THE HELL DO I HAVE SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE???? At this rate I'm going to start having awesome people stop me in the store and strike up a friendship just like that. Lucky doesn't even begin to describe it! The only explanation is the hands of God/dess. Thank you ♥ for bringing them into my life, and all you wonderful people, thank you for being you ♥
Tags: b - ex-partner, friendship, growth, hannah, lj friends, meliae, money, phone, relationships, soulfriendship, spirituality, those passing through

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