April 2018
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As some of you may have guessed, Ben didn't get this promotion either (no idea why), and I've been in a dark place. Haven't had the energy or strength to post or even talk to anyone (except Meliae, because I was on g-talk voice with her when I found out, so she was the auditory witness to my reaction and I don't feel like I have to explain further or put a brave face on it, and Firekat because she called me ♥). When I found out, I had a total breakdown -- months of waiting, followed by two huge disappointments... Twice I put my faith in things that didn't pan out and now I am having trouble believing that I will ever be able to feel secure. There have been bright spots, and there is good in my life but I feel so unsafe, I feel like I can't enjoy it. I haven't been able to catch Hannah online and I haven't tried very hard because I know she is going to be as crushed as me about it. I'm still holding out hope for her visiting this summer, but everything would have to fall neatly into place and I am out of faith for things like that.

I don't know what I am supposed to be learning -- not to trust in things that everyone around me says is a sure thing? That seems far too cynical, but what the hell else could it be? everything is so fucked up now.

and at the same time, even knowing I'd end up here, I think I would have quit anyway. I couldn't handle the job at that time, and since then I have grown so much and developed so many amazing relationships that I don't think I would have had if not for quitting. But here is such a dreadful place to be...

We're working on a way out. I don't want suggestions right now. just... faith. to be able to believe in the possibility of safety.


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dithering ══╣lighthouse╠══
I'm sorry, Belenen. *hugs*
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*hugs back* thank you ♥
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
*hugs tight* You will find the lesson in this, but when we;re emerged in pain, often we need to ride that out before we can learn. I'm sorry Ben didn't get the promotion, I hope things look up for you!
belenen ══╣blossoming╠══
*hugs back* thank you love ♥ I'm holding on to Hope's toes and trying to inch my way to a better grip! :-p
thiswaste ══╣╠══
I'm sorry sweetie *big hugs*
belenen ══╣loving╠══
*big hugs back*
blood_4_deniro ══╣╠══
aww...i'm so sorry he didnt get the promotion. i hope everything gets better for you guys. *hugs*
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you lovey ♥
armandii ══╣╠══
I have come to believe that real 'security' comes in knowing you can handle whatever life throws at you. The tough life lessons bring us that security within ourselves. In the midst of the tough times it is hard to see the 'good' in the lesson, only with hindsight do we see how we have grown through the experience. This is not to minimise what you are going through now, I know how hard it is.

Much love and hugs to you.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
real 'security' comes in knowing you can handle whatever life throws at you

I totally agree with that... I think never having been in this place is why I felt so helpless... because I knew I could handle it being a certain amount of bad, but since I hadn't experienced this, I didn't know about this. I just didn't feel like I had the strength for it. I guess I did, because I didn't die! heh.

One more lesson under my belt -- let's see if I can use it next time.
clown_frog ══╣╠══
Oh Bel, I'm so sorry. Jobs are awful. You say you're working on a way out, and I have faith that you'll find a way. You're young, both of you, to be feeling all that secure, perhaps. But you'll get there. My brother would maybe say that what you could learn from this is that big capitalist employers are dicks... I'm not sure how true that is, but work is one stupid thing that often seems unfair, and so doesn't deserve to make anyone give up hope. Unpredictable, like life. Its a huge disappointment, I know, but you'll find your safety somehow, work out a way to be happy. I'm sure of that. Feeling insecure somehow takes over, I hope you find the strength to fight back against that, and enjoy all the good things (new friendships! Your last entry). Poor Bel. And Ben. I'm trying to make you feel better because I don't know what else to do! The important thing is to have hope, be positive, then you can make plans, many plans, and some will work out! And if you get stuck then you can ask for suggestions and you'll get heaps, I bet.

As a last note, quitting was a brave thing to do. Sometimes you need to do things you don't like, but sometimes you have to be brave enough to think "sod it, I'm going to do what I want". Or need.

Things will look up again, you'll find your path. I hope you feel more positive soon xxx
belenen ══╣connate╠══

thank you so much love ♥ You're such a wonderful comfort *hugs* thank you SO much *tight hugs*
Angelina / Inside of me
bluebl00d ══╣Angelina / Inside of me╠══
I'm sorry ♥
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
♥ thank you lovey ♥
bones and angela / because of you
acid_burns ══╣bones and angela / because of you╠══
... you are stronger than this moment in time. Everything will fall into a place as they always do.

I love you ♥ Stay strong. *hugsyoutightly*

[here to cheer you up a little]
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Re: Remember...
*hugs tightly back* thank you so much sweetheart! I love you too ♥ this was so encouraging to read ♥

and that video! so cute! ^.^
malignlibra ══╣╠══
.x. nuzzles lovingly, gently .x.

Call me if you need me, email me, message me, text me. Jobs come and go, but you have safety in your friends and in Ben, when everything else fights to fail you.

However quiet I've been, I'm still here for you if you need me in any way.
bel hearts kazi
belenen ══╣bel hearts kazi╠══
thank you ♥ it means a lot to know you're still there, still care for me *hugs*

Bette/Alice: Solidarity
dragonwine ══╣Bette/Alice: Solidarity╠══
you are never alone..
I'm really sorry. I know it's difficult to have a positive outlook when unexpected roadblocks rise up in the path of life. I know that both Ben and yourself sustain the ability to get past this. Try to stay motivated and the fuel to reach your goals will never vanish.

belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Re: you are never alone..
thank you so much Dee ♥ *love*
kevloid2007 ══╣╠══
I was wondering what had happened to you...

I hope things get better. be strong. be resilient.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══

thank you *hugs*
kevloid2007 ══╣╠══
katielilie ══╣╠══
*hugs* Things WILL get better. I have so been there sweetie, and it does get better.

kashlamar's words about security are very true, she's wise like that. :)

Obviously you have to find your own lesson in your experiences, but what I learned from a series of similar experiences was to go into these things with no expectations. Have faith. You don't have to be of a particular religion to have faith. All you really have to believe is that we are not in charge, and things will be as they are supposed to be according to the gods. This is the case whether we like it or not, so we might as well like it. That's faith in a nutshell! (just for the record, that right there is pretty much the first time I have understood it so well myself!)

Well, please forgive me for the preachy-ness. *massive hugs* I hope you feel better soon, and always remember that you are loved. :)
belenen ══╣dreamy╠══
♥ it's strange to think that I had such a crisis of faith over something so outward... I think there was more to it than I currently understand. I still feel very fragile, but I seem to be able to stand now.

thank you for reaching out in love *many hugs back*
Hidden Love
roina_arwen ══╣Hidden Love╠══
I'm sorry to hear about the promotion not working out, but I truly believe that you'll pull through this just fine. Keep your spirits up and your faith strong - there's lots of us rooting for you out here! *huggles*
belenen ══╣loving╠══
thank you! *hugs*
christina r. ][ blonde hair ][ dazed
delicatexflower ══╣christina r. ][ blonde hair ][ dazed╠══

if things don't work as planned,
it just means there's something better out
there for ben. i know that doesn't take away
all the hope and faith you had for him... it's
alright. no one likes to be crushed, but i think
you guys will get through this. it'll take time.

*hug* don't give up ok?
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you so much sweetling ♥ you're so comforting *hugs back*
woah_the_kettle ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣exuviate╠══
<3 ;-)
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.