Belenen (belenen) wrote,

As some of you may have guessed, Ben didn't get this promotion either (no idea why), and I've been in a dark place. Haven't had the energy or strength to post or even talk to anyone (except Meliae, because I was on g-talk voice with her when I found out, so she was the auditory witness to my reaction and I don't feel like I have to explain further or put a brave face on it, and Firekat because she called me ♥). When I found out, I had a total breakdown -- months of waiting, followed by two huge disappointments... Twice I put my faith in things that didn't pan out and now I am having trouble believing that I will ever be able to feel secure. There have been bright spots, and there is good in my life but I feel so unsafe, I feel like I can't enjoy it. I haven't been able to catch Hannah online and I haven't tried very hard because I know she is going to be as crushed as me about it. I'm still holding out hope for her visiting this summer, but everything would have to fall neatly into place and I am out of faith for things like that.

I don't know what I am supposed to be learning -- not to trust in things that everyone around me says is a sure thing? That seems far too cynical, but what the hell else could it be? everything is so fucked up now.

and at the same time, even knowing I'd end up here, I think I would have quit anyway. I couldn't handle the job at that time, and since then I have grown so much and developed so many amazing relationships that I don't think I would have had if not for quitting. But here is such a dreadful place to be...

We're working on a way out. I don't want suggestions right now. just... faith. to be able to believe in the possibility of safety.
Tags: pain

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