December 2017
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As some of you may have guessed, Ben didn't get this promotion either (no idea why), and I've been in a dark place. Haven't had the energy or strength to post or even talk to anyone (except Meliae, because I was on g-talk voice with her when I found out, so she was the auditory witness to my reaction and I don't feel like I have to explain further or put a brave face on it, and Firekat because she called me ♥). When I found out, I had a total breakdown -- months of waiting, followed by two huge disappointments... Twice I put my faith in things that didn't pan out and now I am having trouble believing that I will ever be able to feel secure. There have been bright spots, and there is good in my life but I feel so unsafe, I feel like I can't enjoy it. I haven't been able to catch Hannah online and I haven't tried very hard because I know she is going to be as crushed as me about it. I'm still holding out hope for her visiting this summer, but everything would have to fall neatly into place and I am out of faith for things like that.

I don't know what I am supposed to be learning -- not to trust in things that everyone around me says is a sure thing? That seems far too cynical, but what the hell else could it be? everything is so fucked up now.

and at the same time, even knowing I'd end up here, I think I would have quit anyway. I couldn't handle the job at that time, and since then I have grown so much and developed so many amazing relationships that I don't think I would have had if not for quitting. But here is such a dreadful place to be...

We're working on a way out. I don't want suggestions right now. just... faith. to be able to believe in the possibility of safety.

connecting:

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Comments
armandii ══╣╠══
I have come to believe that real 'security' comes in knowing you can handle whatever life throws at you. The tough life lessons bring us that security within ourselves. In the midst of the tough times it is hard to see the 'good' in the lesson, only with hindsight do we see how we have grown through the experience. This is not to minimise what you are going through now, I know how hard it is.

Much love and hugs to you.
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
real 'security' comes in knowing you can handle whatever life throws at you

I totally agree with that... I think never having been in this place is why I felt so helpless... because I knew I could handle it being a certain amount of bad, but since I hadn't experienced this, I didn't know about this. I just didn't feel like I had the strength for it. I guess I did, because I didn't die! heh.

One more lesson under my belt -- let's see if I can use it next time.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.