April 2018
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dad drove Arroskotos down and spent the day / Ramses

Last week my mom convinced my dad to drive down and give me the Jeep that they bought 'for me' five years ago. I'm still kinda in shock -- this is the first time in my life that my parents have come through for me in a time of need. Part of me is still waiting for them to somehow take it back... mostly I'm bewildered. I want to feel grateful, and I am grateful that my mom spoke for me and that my dad went to all the trouble to bring it down, but I'm not actually grateful for the vehicle. Maybe because they said it was mine five years ago and it didn't become fact until now? Maybe because they've never given me anything without strings attached and I am waiting to find the strings? I'm embarrassed of my apparent lack of thankfulness, but that's the way it is.

BUT I am very glad to have Arroskotos back in my life. ♥ Ze is a wonderful vehicle, and was a comfort to me during one of the hardest parts of my life. 'Arroskotos' means 'Bright Shadow,' and I named hir that because ze was an unfulfilled promise -- I had the (always chaperoned) joy of driving hir, but at the same time, the knowledge that ze wasn't truly mine. And now ze is! it's very hard for me to accept.

My dad spent the entire day with me. surreal. and he seemed to listen to what I had to say. I told him, plain and simple, that I think he and mom are toxic for each other (not to mention lil sis, but neither of them seem to think that's important at all) and need to be divorced for the benefit of everyone involved. I expected him to give me a lecture on selfimposedreligiousrules, but he listened fairly placidly. He also noticed my artistic nude screensaver and asked me why I had it, and I told him that it was because I think the human body is a beautiful work of art. He said, "but what about your husband? how do you feel about him seeing all those naked women?" and I said that we don't see nudity as a sexual thing, as many people do. He said that he sees it as a sexual thing (I was surprised by his wording, I expected him to declare that it IS a sexual thing) and I said that society trains people to see it that way, and that Ben and I have trained ourselves out of it. Again, I expected strong argument, but he didn't really say anything in response to that. I wish I had reflected on that before, because I didn't answer as clearly and thoroughly as I would have liked.

and we talked a little about trees. I had forgotten that he was in the forest service before the military (what a switch, huh?)... he used to know a lot about trees. He says he's always loved them, and I do remember him agreeing with me when mom wanted to murder a bunch of trees in the front yard for the sake of grass and flowers, UGH. Anyway, it was interesting to realize that he has a fondness for trees -- and uncomfortable. I don't like similarities with my blood relatives (except lil sis). But I learned the name of a tree I hadn't been able to discover before, the Post Oak. They're the tree-of-choice around here, planted in many medians.

I've gotten as shutter-happy as Hannah, practically. Nowadays when I'm going someplace, my first thought is, "hmm, what could I take photos of there?" *giggles* Which is why I need a smaller, hardier camera than Spyder, something I can slip in a very small bag with wallet and keys. (I don't actually use a purse, because I wouldn't be comfortable sticking Spyder in there anyway, and I don't need one for wallet and keys) On to the photos!


Arroskotos and Sylvia ♥

Ramses on Sylvia

Ramses gets up to greet me

aww cute stumpy tail!

he looks pissed but he's actually in bliss

well if you're not going to pet me, this post will do the trick

ahh that's more like it!

I named him Ramses because his chopped-off-looking tail reminds me of how Ramses II cut off the tail of a wild bull, and because I like it when cats have Egyptian names. I adore that cat so much! I wish I could adopt him. :-( He is SO sweet, and Kanika is utterly taken with him. and they match! And also, I worry that the next door neighbors own him and mistreat him, because the other day I heard him meow really loud and then they said something and 'laughed' in that nasty way that guys usually do when they are doing something destructive or cruel. Hopefully I misread the sounds, because thinking that I am near to something innocent being hurt, without doing anything, absolutely turns my stomach. If I hear something like that again, I will do something.

tomorrow I go hang out with Kazi, Brian, and John, and
in FIVE FREAKING DAYS I get to meet kmiotutsie for the first time!!!

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(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
yep :-p oh well!
folkchick3 ══╣╠══
Whatever the reasons for your getting the jeep, the important thing is that it is now yours. I wonder if there is some sort of (self created) ritual you might do, to erase any bad associations or hurts away regarding the car. After all, you will have many adventures together, and you are trusting it to keep you safe. (I guess I am one of those weird people who have a strange connection to my vehicle...) Are you one of those people who hang things from the rearview mirror? If so, maybe you could choose something special, something "you" (like a dreamcatcher made by a friend, or a crystal from a beloved place, like the Renaissance festival, or a tiny wreath woven from dried vines from your favorite kind of tree...just something that represents you in some phyical or spiritual way...) and put that on the dashboard or the mirror. I always do that with a new vehicle. That way I also get the benifit of thinking fondly of the place or friend or memory every time I drive. By the way, the Jeep I currently own is identical to yours, but with a teal strip down the side. It's a great vehicle, you will love it!
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
that's a really good idea to do a cleansing! I am not sure how long we are going to keep hir, because ze has poor gas mileage so we're thinking of trading hir in for something more gas-efficient, but if we end up keeping hir for a while that would be a very wise thing to do. I do like hir a lot, ze gives me such comforting vibes, and I'd hate to part with hir emotionally, but financially I'd love to get something else. :-/
bones and angela / because of you
acid_burns ══╣bones and angela / because of you╠══
I AM SO EXCITED THAT YOU'LL GET TO MEET kmiotutsie :) I demand pictures!

belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
:D your demand is my, um, command! :D many many photos to come! :D
darkpool ══╣╠══
I wish I had reflected on that before, because I didn't answer as clearly and thoroughly as I would have liked.

This happens a lot when someone brings up something you never thought they'd bring up. It's kind of annoying. You're all like OMG They actually asked about this! Then you don't say everything you would have wanted to.
belenen ══╣shock╠══
I KNOW!!! *shakes head*
earthy_goddess ══╣laughing╠══
I think it is great Arroskotos was brought back to you! Perhaps you could do a cleansing with the car to let go of the past negativity and bring in new joy. It sounds like you were really able to talk with your dad. I am in awe of how open and clear you were with him about what you think and who you are. Also, I am *so* happy you found out the name of the tree!

I hope they weren't doing anything to the kitty either. It is nice you are around to give him love. Hope you had fun with Kazi, Brian, and John! Can't believe kmiotutsie will be there so soon! Exciting!!!

There is so much more I want to say but rather than writing everything I want to connect with you. I miss you terribly and I really want to hear your voice and be with you. Let's figure out a time...

belenen ══╣loving╠══
♥ you are suuuuuuuuch a sweetheart, lovey! many kisses! I'm glad we've connected since this comment and I hope to talk with you again soon. ♥ email me and tell me when you are free and I will plan to be on at a time when you are!
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I'm glad you and your father could talk. I think it's importnat, even if we can't have a meaningful relationship, to be at peace with our parents.
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
at peace, yes I agree with that. "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." ;-)
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
just wanted to say thank you for the warm wishes and the gift! I miss being a part of it all, but I think this is best for everyone. I will definitely still be hangin' out in curvygirls though! *heart*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.