May 2018
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marriage? serious changes, considering ending


my life has been completely insane the past week. Thursday morning my partner and I fought about something small, and he was really cutting, and it made me realize a lot of things.

I'm not happy in our marriage and I haven't been for a long time. But I put off thinking about it for one reason or another. Last year, I was simply busy with work & friends & other things, and since my partner and I had opposite schedules, I told myself that we just didn't spend enough time together, and that was why we were disconnected from each other. After I quit in December, I told myself that he was just stressed about the job which he was supposed to have gotten already, and when he didn't get it in January or March, I told myself that it was natural he be upset and edgy. Not to mention the fact that we've been stressed financially for the duration of our marriage. I'm now realizing that I've been doing this for at least a year, ignoring my feelings because they're 'based on temporary problems.' But they aren't.

My partner has had expectations of me that no human could fulfill. For whatever reason, he had the subconscious belief that a wife should do everything possible to make her husband happy, and he expected me to fulfill all his desires, without him having to give to me or even acknowledge them. I would make some effort to please him, just something small, and he would say thank you, and then the next day be all irritated with me and say that I never do anything (including when I worked, it's not just about that). Since he was constantly discounting my gifts, it was extremely hard for me to make the next attempt, but I kept trying. I am naturally a very tidy person but because he was constantly telling me I didn't do enough, I gradually did less and less until I was living in a mess half the time. No matter what I did, it was never enough to make him happy. I think this is because he hasn't learned that his happiness is his choice, not something I can create for him.

If I take a good look at the relationship, I don't see any benefit for either of us (as it is now). My partner says he gets nothing out of the relationship, I feel I get nothing out of the relationship. I believe a relationship should only last as long as both people are helping each other to grow, and I don't feel that he can help me grow anymore. Helping him grow is not enough to fill a marriage -- I can do that as a casual friend.

The fact is, I am not the same person I was when we got together. And the person I am now is not drawn to the person he has been up 'til now, not at all. Now I have experienced the magic of real connection and I'm realizing I've never had that with him. Why did I marry him at all? Was it because he made me feel safe, and I had never felt that before? Was it just physical attraction, that I mistook for love? Was it because I was so entrapped in society that I felt I needed a man to prove my worth? Was it because I was so broken that I just needed someone sturdier than myself?

Whatever the reason, now I feel safe within myself, and don't need protecting; my sexual attraction comes from spiritual connection, not physical; I fully recognize my own worth and need no other person to prove it; and I've healed from so much of my old brokenness. I don't have a need for a person. As for desire, the reasons I would desire a person in my life would be if I: had a spiritual connection with them; felt I could learn from them; shared interests with them. I don't have any of those things with my partner, not as it stands.

It's really shocking to me that it got so serious before I even consciously realized the problem. I think that was an old habit, a way of thinking from when I was a child and I was taught to ignore problems at home. I think I have broken free of that now. The rawness of this post is a new thing. For some reason, the subject of my partner and I was taboo -- no longer.

------------

Last night we went out and had a long conversation. He says he has made inner change, and he wants me to give him the chance to show it, which I'm willing to do, but I don't even know how to react. He wants to keep the marriage. I don't know him at all, I feel like I just met him and he is asking me to marry him. I feel that our relationship is over, the only thing that remains is to decide whether or not to make a new one. I really feel like scales have fallen from my eyes and I am realizing I've been living with a stranger for a long time. I've never really known him and he has never really gotten to know me, we've never connected on a spiritual level. He seemed very genuine last night, but it's really like I just met him, I have nothing to go on on how serious/honest he is.

This is so much to take in. I told him that when I think of breaking up with him, I feel this intense sense of freedom, and he said 'yes, that's because I've been keeping you captive, and I'm sorry.' I told him all of my feelings, and he pretty much agreed with it all, even when I said that I think he had considered me not a person, but an extension of his will -- 'wife' like 'arm' or 'leg.' He said it wasn't a conscious belief but he thinks he did have that sort of mindset. He says he doesn't anymore.

There is this thing inside me, this inner bondage, that broke this weekend. I'm no longer willing to wait around. I know that I can find true connection, and if I can't have that with my partner I will find it in someone else. If I am going to share my life with someone, I want passion. I want someone who is in love with me and can't help but express it, I want someone who seeks to know me as fully as possible, someone who lights up at seeing me, who recognizes my value. Someone who is willing, desiring to share and express themselves, learn themselves, grow and help me grow, live out loud. Someone whose spirit I can feel, who is open to me and enjoys my openness. And someone whom I feel the same way about.

But first I am going to see what happens with this person who says he wants that with me. Some of the reason is that the process of untangling our lives from each other is daunting, but mainly, I think I am doing it for the glimpses of his true spirit I've seen over the years. And to honor the support he gave me during our second year, the hardest time of my life. That is worth being open to the possibility of us.

please be very careful with comments -- no advice or criticism please. I am too raw for that right now. comments are screened, will be unscreened if they don't contain personal info.

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Comments
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woah_the_kettle ══╣╠══
I love you.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Hugging / Hugs are love
bluebl00d ══╣Hugging / Hugs are love╠══
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
brightlotusmoon ══╣╠══
I read this entire thing.
I am hugging you gently over the miles.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you ♥
shadowlily ══╣╠══
bel. <3 i'm sorry for your troubles.

i wish you happiness and growth in any path you take.
the respect and love you have for yourself (as well as others) is so liberating to experience.
big, supportive *huggggles* for you.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you Sarah ♥ so much, this comment was so comforting *hugs back*
malignlibra ══╣╠══
I have no advice or criticism to offer anyway. I have full support for the both of you. I want both of you happy, in whatever direction that pulls you in. If you need me, feel free to contact me in whatever way you can. Even if it's just to get away from everything, we can do that.

-nuzzles gently-

I love you, and wish you much peace.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
♥ thank you Kazi *nuzzles back*

*love*
mandalwarrior ══╣╠══
I added you long ago, but I'm horrible at comments.
You know yourself far better than most people know themselves. Far better than I know myself. Your inner strength truly shows with what you said to him and the apparent ease with which you were able to do so.

If there's one thing I know to be true in this world, it's that everything happens for a reason, though we may not know it at the time, and may, in fact, never know it. But you're a strong person, and you'll make it through this that much stronger than you were before.

Be well. :)
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
Re: I added you long ago, but I'm horrible at comments.
thank you so much ♥ this comment gave me a lot of strength.
who you are is beautiful
smurfb1ue ══╣who you are is beautiful╠══
I'm so glad you're recognizing and writing out your feelings. Whether you stay with Ben or not, knowing your own heart and thoughts is the most important part of any relationship.
I'll be praying for you...that you'll know your heart and thoughts and that both you and Ben will be transparent with yourselves and each other.
Take gentle care, dear friend.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you so much, lovey ♥
bastets_place ══╣╠══
*hugs* Best Wishes.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*hugs back*
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you so much for the kind offer ♥ I will keep it in mind *love*
strong
earthy_goddess ══╣strong╠══
Bel, I am not sure even where to begin on what I want to say. First of all, I feel terrible for not being able to get back online last night. I could sense what you were going through was intense. I was exhausted and unable to fall asleep until several hours later. I slept until just a little while ago. I wish I could have made myself get up but my head would have been clouded. I am really anxious to talk with you since I am much clearer now...

I support you, and would carry you if I could, through this. I can only imagine what you are feeling. It takes so much strength to come to this realization. You are such an amazing person and I admire your courage for being able to confront this. I have no advice or criticism because that isn't necessary. You know what is right for you. I am sending *love* and *warmth* to you. I want to wrap you in comfort. I want to hold you so you can let this out more.

<3 I love you <3
console
belenen ══╣console╠══
*hugs tightly* thank you so much for your support, lovey ♥ I love you too ♥
hug
aubkabob ══╣hug╠══
Hugs, my dear.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*hugs back*
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
*HUGE hugs* I think you are really brave to admit this to yourself and to Ben and here. It takes really courage to face ugly truths.

I know you will find someone wonderful and though I hope you can save your marriage, I still know there is a great person out there for you if it's not Ben.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you Sidhe ♥ and thank you for your hopes for my marriage, and your faith that there is someone for me *hugs back*
thiswaste ══╣╠══
*hugs*

gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*hugs back*
armandii ══╣╠══
I have no advice nor criticism but want to tell you that you are in my thoughts as you go through this.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you ♥
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
comfort
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
oh, that makes my heart ache. I am sorry you're feeling so much of the same thing *many hugs* You're in my thoughts and prayers, and thank you so much for reaching out to me ♥

*love*
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.