Belenen (belenen) wrote,

I hate movies that rip your heart out and stomp on it and kick it around, steal your hope and leave you bleeding. I just watched one, obviously, and I am so fucking unhappy. Probably it wouldn't kill me so much if it didn't mirror my life.

I'm not good at this anymore. Maybe because I don't have a cocoon to go wrap myself in and shut out the world. I just hate feeling this, I want to be OVER it already. Which is impossible, I can't skip to the end, there's no way to cheat, no way to fast-forward.

I feel like I am mourning... I FUCKING HURT. And I'm so confused. Why did I get with my partner? Did I just want to escape my toxic family (lil sis excepted)? Could I really have been so shallow as to 'fall' just because I was attracted to him? I keep thinking, there has to be something. He has qualities I like now, but back then he didn't. And I wouldn't have been able to explain why I wanted him except to say that there is 'something about him' -- what something? is it that something that will connect us in the way I've always wanted to, once we push past all the changeable things? or are we fundamentally incompatible and just wasting time?

I remember when Rebecca and Trevor got together, like 2 years ago, and were so in love and affectionate and you could see how perfectly they matched, and I couldn't be in the same room for a minute without feeling a bone-deep ache, often had to escape because I couldn't help but cry. I wanted that so desperately, and had never even tasted it. I've tasted it since then, but not in a romantic way and not with my partner.

I want to know what it feels like to have someone passionately in love with me. Not just "I like you, this is nice, I think you're pretty" but "you make my spirit sing, I can't fathom my life without you, just seeing you overwhelms me with joy, I want to devour you, breathe you, live you, experience every last drop of your existence." I want someone whose hands are irresistibly drawn to me, who wants to hold me, make love to me, support me, pour into me. Not because of anything I do but just because I'm me. Just because they are enchanted by the essence of me. And I want to feel the same way about that person. I used to feel that way about my partner -- why? I thought he felt the same and just had a hard time expressing it (that's what he said about it) but I kept waiting and waiting to see it, and now it's 5.5 years later and I've never seen it.

I do really like the person he seems to be becoming, though I'm not anywhere near fully trusting his changes yet.

When we had the first huge discussion, I told him I didn't want to have sex again unless/until it was out of a mutual desire to spiritually connect. He agreed, fairly enthusiastically. So Sunday we did try that, and it was a lovely experience, but I didn't get a feel for his spirit at all. He said he felt mine though, and he said that he had definitely opened himself up to me, so I feel lost. Am I afraid to sense his spirit, afraid to discover that we don't fit? am I afraid that we will? am I just afraid to hope?

...Fix You by Coldplay...

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need

When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tags: b - ex-partner, love, music, pain, sex

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