July 2018
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Hannah and I fighting toward connection / canceling plans with friends / energy low


Right now, things are good with Hannah and I, but it has been a really hard battle -- it's like we have been tearing down walls that built themselves through distance and infrequent communication. We've had so many 'big conversations' this week -- really the same conversation, just digging into deeper levels each time. But the times between 'digging' are so magical, full of light and joy and laughter. We've taken so many insane videos *rolls eyes* (but because we are nudists most of them won't be hostable! ack!) and nearly 2,000 photos. (soon, my dears, sooooooon)

I've also been a terrible friend lately (including before Hannah got here), canceling plans with Kazi and Brian three times and canceling on SabR and Leslie too... I really feel dreadful about it. I abhor not keeping my word, and that's what I did... Kazi/Brian/SabR and I had a long chat about it a few nights ago and I think they're willing to forgive me but ugh, I can't get it out of my mind. And I hate that my various irrational fears have made it seem as if I don't want to see them, when I really deeply miss them. (and I wanted to meet Leslie) Also, FYI to LJ friends, please forgive my lack of commenting during the visit -- I'll still be reading but probably won't comment, and I may miss stuff. If there are any posts you'd especially like my input on, leave me the link and I will do my very best to respond as soon as possible.

I didn't realize how low on energy I am until this week -- things that would have been so easy for me are so hard now. Resting and connecting with Hannah helps, though, and I feel like my energy is slowly increasing.

because the icon and subject are depressed, but for the past day I've been happy:


(photo by Hannah)

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Comments
Star-fruit.
tawney ══╣Star-fruit.╠══
I have found that sometimes connecting is a very exhausting thing to do. Matt and I sometimes need to just sit down and talk and try to express ourselves clearly to eachother... and it is exhausting sometimes to try to get someone else to understand where your point of view is coming from. However, after we are done and we are both "OK", it feels like we are so much closer and love eachother that much more... which makes all the effort and time spent 100% worth it.

Don't feel so bad about being a "bad friend". I doubt you are. I cancel plans sometimes too. I think that everyone does it. People just need time to be with themselves, and sometimes you can't plan it. Certain days are just "alone" days, and there is nothing wrong with that. Hopefully your friends can forgive you and you can move on with the friendship.

Beautiful picture, by the way! I hope you have a lovely weekend.
animal; butterfly. green
delicatexflower ══╣animal; butterfly. green╠══

oh sweetie, don't be so hard on your lovely soul!

connecting can be very exhausting thing to do.
i usually stress myself out big time when i feel
like i am doing a poor job connecting with my bf.

but in the end, he reminds me he loves you and
cares about me... which i'm pretty sure hannah
feels too.

:)

lovely picture, by the way!
the_picklecat ══╣╠══
I second what everyone has said about connecting being draining work - it really can take a lot of energy to put your emotions out there and work through them.

I've been a "bad friend" more then a few times - my depression and anxiety can really wipe me out to the point that I turn into a hermit at times. Everyone who is a real friend has always understood, so I'm sore your friends will forgive you for it.

Enjoy the rest of Hannah's trip! =)

Black kitty
collectively ══╣Black kitty╠══
I am interested in hearing what you thought about my email. But, I completely understand the no time thing. Feel free to wait till after the visit/whenever you have time. ^_^ I hope the rest of it is wonderful for you both!
paravati ══╣╠══
You're welcome to come and meet me anytime you like. I was disappointed but definitely not angry. :) I'm glad you've been happy this past day.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.