March 2019
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Lately I've been so full of turmoil... my partner and I in such an intense changing place in our relationship, Hannah and I also in such a place (to the point of reevaluating our soulfriendship), Kazi, SabR, and Brian feeling unable to trust me because I haven't kept open communication with them (it's more complicated than that but I think that sums it up), haven't talked to Kate or 'Kenzy for probably two months, Kat's roadtripping so we've had very limited contact, Meliae is very busy...

I feel so lonely. I feel like I have no one to lean on, so I keep going on though I haven't the strength for it. I just want someone I can tell "I need you" and lay my head on their shoulder and let them carry me for a little while. More than that, I want someone who can hear my voice and know how I'm feeling, and offer me love. I want someone to be stronger than me sometimes. Almost always, when I start to lean on someone even for a moment, they crumple -- it makes me feel like an unbearable person, why is my weakness too much for others to handle? Why can't I be a sad, weak, scared person sometimes? The moment someone shows a hurt in themselves, I feel I have to swallow my hurt and be the strong one, the comforter, the healer. I'm strong but I need support too...

Several times lately my partner has been there for me... I can't explain what that means to me. He's never done that before, not like this. I don't even know how to process it, it is such an alien experience, and I'm so afraid that I'll be too much, that I hold back. I can't cry around people unless I've gone past the breaking point... I used to be able to. I'm afraid of all the hurt in me that I can't express because I have nobody to hold my pieces when I fall apart. I feel like I can't reach out for help any more because my weakness is too much.

And it is like a constant ache that my friends all live so far away. I need arms around me, I need eyes to look into mine so that I can see the love for myself rather than relying on my often-shaky faith. I took a step today and started a meetup group, very intimidating (what if no one joins?), but if there are any people like me nearby, I need to know them. It'd suck if I started it up and then had to move, though :-/ (my partner and I are thinking about moving for his job, and I might go back to college next spring if we move near a college I want to go to)

There are so many words in me. I talk to myself just to let them out... I feel un-LJ-ish because I have unresolved stuff with friends, but I'm trying to put some words here so that they aren't lost.

...The Wrong Girl by Missy Higgins...
And I'm lonely again tonight
I can feel it like a knot in my side
They keep saying this is part of the ride
But I'm not getting stronger

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justkat2 ══╣Hope/Love╠══
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*hugs back*
I want to believe
jenniology ══╣I want to believe╠══
The moment someone shows a hurt in themselves, I feel I have to swallow my hurt and be the strong one, the comforter, the healer.

You're so much like me, it nearly scares me.

belenen ══╣gentle╠══
I know what you mean, lady! *hugs back*
hummingbird by valo_queen
hyrkanian ══╣hummingbird by valo_queen╠══
I like your intro to your meetup group, if I were local I'd love to join. I have some of the same issues you mention in this post here, and no idea how to deal with or improve them. :/ *hugs* as wanted/needed
belenen ══╣wanderlust╠══
*hugs back* I hope you can find your way ♥
hannah loves bel!
shioneh ══╣hannah loves bel!╠══
I'm so sorry you're hurting babe *hugs you mentally* Like I said in my email, I'm really happy that you started up the meet up group and I really hope it will be a nourishing experience and that you will meet some people who you are able to connect with. I think it was brave to reach out. Our relationship is in a state of change at the moment, but I love you, that will never change ♥ I'm willing to put effort into being closer to you. I want to talk to you soon.
*sending love*
belenen ══╣tenebrous╠══
*hugs back* I want to talk to you too. Let me know a time you'll be on?
genesiskenshin ══╣╠══
Bel, I am not so local anymore, but I am only an hour away, so I signed up for ya. I MISS YOU!!!
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
oh cool! We'll have to arrange one you can come to.
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
musical -- poetic
belenen ══╣musical -- poetic╠══
*hugs back*

no, I have not had that pleasure, but she is fast becoming one of my favorite artists!
missy / she smelled like sugar and
acid_burns ══╣missy / she smelled like sugar and╠══
Wow. You've seen her live?

You're the luckiest person on earth.
lorelei_sakti ══╣╠══
I hope you find a friend who can console you at the same time you are consoling them. Two friends can show each other the beauty in life while at the same time restoring each other's confidence.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
The way I see it, it's like two people climbing a mountain. To be successful, one person has to give the other a push so they can climb on a ledge, and then the one on the ledge has to reach down to help the other up. I feel like often, a person is in the middle of helping me up to the ledge when they stop and want me to push them up instead, rather than waiting for me to be able to pull them up. Do you see what I mean? it's important that both people be helpful, but it only really works if it is one at a time.
lorelei_sakti ══╣╠══
Ah, okay. I thought that you were saying one person had to help the other person climb the entire mountain. I agree with you; both people help each other with the climb, but the friend has to at least finish pushing you onto the ledge!

Unless some unexpected crisis in their life comes up, and then they are suddenly not able to help you anymore...
bones and angela / because of you
acid_burns ══╣bones and angela / because of you╠══
I love you, Bel. More than you'll ever know. I just love you. Uncoditionally. *hugsyoutight* I'm always going to be here. For you. Email me if you want to.

I'm so happy you're into Missy Higgins. I can't even tell you what her music has done to me.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
you are such a sweetheart *million hugs* I'm so glad to have you in my life, you have been such an amazing comfort to me ♥ ♥ ♥

and I am so happy you introduced me! NINETEEN of her songs are 4- or 5-star ratings by me :D 100 Round the Bends, Secret, The Wrong Girl, Dancing Dirt Into The Snow, The Special Two, Scar, & Unbroken are all absolute favorites. She's amazing!
missy / she smelled like sugar and
acid_burns ══╣missy / she smelled like sugar and╠══
The Special Two ♥

Here's the backround story for the song... (it breaks my heart):

'The Special Two' relates to the relationship between Missy Higgins and her sister Nicola. The song was created when Missy locked herself in the bungalow at the back of her house with a bottle of wine. It was a very dark few days for her as she disappointed her sister and wanted to apologize.

♥ I'm SO happy you like her as well.
belenen ══╣beautiful╠══
that's so amazing! ♥ thanks for sharing it with me.
kevloid2007 ══╣╠══
the problem with needing so much from the people in your life is that almost nobody can satisfy the need by themselves. I think you need to delegate - ask smaller commitments but lean on more people. I think you'll find your blue times won't be as blue.

*hug* just keep keepin on.
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
I agree.

*hugs back* I think this is just a dark time, but the light will come out again.
blood_4_deniro ══╣╠══
*tons of hugs* if you ever wanna talk about anything, i dont have a mic, but i think i still have my msn (and i have a myspace...tho the IM isnt working for me but there's always the messages).

i hope everything works out for you ok, tho. i usually feel the same way quite often. i always love listening to people and trying to help them. and if i still lived in GA, i'd definitely join your group.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
aww, thank you *hugs* I wish you did still live here!
sidheblessed ══╣╠══

It's great that Ben is there for you. I'm glad you're connecting so well now.

I hope you can be able to let yourself crumple, part of being strong is recognising when you need a rest. I've always admired your desire to care for toher but remember thee are times you need you more than they do.
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you so much Sidhe ♥ *hugs back* You have such a sweet way of speaking your care.
gods_ornament ══╣╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.