Belenen (belenen) wrote,

Lately I've been so full of turmoil... my partner and I in such an intense changing place in our relationship, Hannah and I also in such a place (to the point of reevaluating our soulfriendship), Kazi, SabR, and Brian feeling unable to trust me because I haven't kept open communication with them (it's more complicated than that but I think that sums it up), haven't talked to Kate or 'Kenzy for probably two months, Kat's roadtripping so we've had very limited contact, Meliae is very busy...

I feel so lonely. I feel like I have no one to lean on, so I keep going on though I haven't the strength for it. I just want someone I can tell "I need you" and lay my head on their shoulder and let them carry me for a little while. More than that, I want someone who can hear my voice and know how I'm feeling, and offer me love. I want someone to be stronger than me sometimes. Almost always, when I start to lean on someone even for a moment, they crumple -- it makes me feel like an unbearable person, why is my weakness too much for others to handle? Why can't I be a sad, weak, scared person sometimes? The moment someone shows a hurt in themselves, I feel I have to swallow my hurt and be the strong one, the comforter, the healer. I'm strong but I need support too...

Several times lately my partner has been there for me... I can't explain what that means to me. He's never done that before, not like this. I don't even know how to process it, it is such an alien experience, and I'm so afraid that I'll be too much, that I hold back. I can't cry around people unless I've gone past the breaking point... I used to be able to. I'm afraid of all the hurt in me that I can't express because I have nobody to hold my pieces when I fall apart. I feel like I can't reach out for help any more because my weakness is too much.

And it is like a constant ache that my friends all live so far away. I need arms around me, I need eyes to look into mine so that I can see the love for myself rather than relying on my often-shaky faith. I took a step today and started a meetup group, very intimidating (what if no one joins?), but if there are any people like me nearby, I need to know them. It'd suck if I started it up and then had to move, though :-/ (my partner and I are thinking about moving for his job, and I might go back to college next spring if we move near a college I want to go to)

There are so many words in me. I talk to myself just to let them out... I feel un-LJ-ish because I have unresolved stuff with friends, but I'm trying to put some words here so that they aren't lost.

...The Wrong Girl by Missy Higgins...
And I'm lonely again tonight
I can feel it like a knot in my side
They keep saying this is part of the ride
But I'm not getting stronger
Tags: b - ex-partner, connections, disconnection, music, pain

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