April 2018
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30


worry about appearing insincere because of conflicting emotions / being very happy, depressed, angry


I've been thinking that I must sometimes come across as schizophrenic or manic-depressive. I'll make a super-happy post and then a depressed one, or I'll post about something I'm really upset about and then I'll make happy comments on other people's posts. To some, it may seem that I am insincere or like I exaggerate everything, but that's not the case.

Something I've always done is keep my positive and negative feelings separate -- I'd rather feel violet some of the time and orange some of the time, instead of brown all the time. I like to feel things at their full intensity, and not dull them by mixing. I remember even as a child, thinking that I'd rather live a roller coaster than a train. Maybe it's my Gemini ascendant. ;-)

I've just recently realized that because of this style of feeling, I tend to post less and comment less because I don't want to seem contradictory, or crazy, or seem like my sadnesses and my joys aren't sincere. I've had such a complex mix of feelings lately, which has brought this up. (also it was brought to my attention because of a misunderstanding it caused)

Right now, I'm so happy about my camera, so grateful to two of my friends who have reached out to me lately ♥ and happy about my relationship with Ben, and how Kanika is growing up... and I've also been thinking a lot about social issues, developing my ideas and beliefs at an intense rate, which makes me feel productive and passionate. and I've been creative, making jewelry for myself again. and at the same time, I'm intensely depressed. I feel like a pariah. I'm ashamed of myself for having hurt some friends, and at the same time, so sick of thinking about it -- it was a mistake, I would have forgiven someone else long ago but I can't seem to forgive myself. And in other situations, I feel like there is something about me that makes people want to dump me, but the only things I can think would be the cause are things I believe in, things I cannot put aside without feeling like I am betraying myself. I'm missing old friends and I keep seeing Allison everywhere (it's not actually her, but I keep thinking I see her). I'm extremely depressed about something that I can't even let myself think about for more than a minute without getting absolutely overwhelmed with anger-depression-pain-rage-aching-sorrow-loneliness. I want to dig out a hole in the ground and curl up and lay there and let the ground absorb my sickness. I feel so so so alone, for reasons I can't even express to myself -- I feel like I've regressed. It makes me angry to think I've lost ground. I'm tired of being not-good-enough! I've been cynical this week. If you know me at all, you know that's serious. I don't know what to do, I'm trying to get out of this rut, I'm trying my damnedest. I haven't felt this nasty dry feeling -- this rage at the world that borders on hate -- in years. It's horrid. It makes me want to climb out of my own skin to escape it. I want to run away from everything I know and drown myself in a different life. I want a giant change; I want to close this chapter, it disgusts me.

back to top

Comments
chillychilly22 ══╣╠══
I think it's good that you can separate your feelings. Most people have a hard time doing that. It also makes them a drag to be around when all they can be is depressed. I know that sounds mean... but what I'm trying to say is that people who are negative ALL the time are draining. It takes a toll on me, especially when I'm trying to help a friend overcome the negativity. Anyway these bad feelings you have will only make you stronger... it's just a matter of figuring it all out before you can move on and become whole again. :)
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thanks so much for the encouragement ♥
bones and angela / because of you
acid_burns ══╣bones and angela / because of you╠══
♥♥♥
nuzzle
belenen ══╣nuzzle╠══
*love*
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
*hugs* I don't think you come across insane, I thinky you come across as very human and very genuine. Feelings contradict each other, you can be over the moon about one thing and devastated about another all at the same time. It's not insanity, it's feeliing human feelings.

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you for the affirmation and care *hugs back*
jenniology ══╣╠══
Hey, it's not the least bit crazy! I'd think you were a lot crazier if you sulked in every post, comment and thought for days. It just proves you're a well-rounded person when you can switch from your own sorrows to the happiness for others and such. :)

(I'm feeling very incoherent today, that may have come out wrong.)
strong
belenen ══╣strong╠══
thanks Jen! (do you prefer Jen, Jenny, or ?) ♥
jenniology ══╣╠══
I prefer Jen over Jenny, so yay! :D
free2be ══╣╠══
You seem genuine about hating aspects of yourself. I think that feeling is normal, but the open expression of it isn't. Most people haven't got the guts to do it. You're expressing yourself; being transparent. That's what you wanted. You've achieved it, arrived. That's probably why you want a new "giant" change.
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
hm, I don't hate aspects of myself. I just hate the way I'm feeling (which I guess could be seen as an aspect of myself, but I don't see it that way).

thanks so much for the encouragement! *hugs*
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
gentle
belenen ══╣gentle╠══
thank you so much for the love *hugs* and for the encouragement ♥ ♥ ♥
darkpool ══╣╠══
I feel that way to sometimes about posting something sad or happy thne commenting in the opposite mood. But honestly if people really even notice that you do that, they're paying way to much attention to when you post and when you comment I think.

I hope that where you've regressed you can get back to where you were. I think most personal journey have their two steps back times KWIM?
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.