April 2018
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sexism in "Private Practice" / 'withholding' sex, p-i-v sex = 'legitimate', dump sexless marriage

argh! I've gotten blocked, I strongly dislike when this happens. I have such a flood of new thoughts/feelings that I am trying to sort and express, and I took too long of a break from the expressing part and now it has all built up and bottlenecked. *growl* I've stopped reading my current nonfiction because it inspires too many MORE new thoughts! *deep breath* I suppose I'll dump a bunch of random stuff in this post and then I can get on with it all.

Private Practice ANNOYS ME with its rampant sexism and dull, unsympathetic characters. The pilot was great -- it really showcased Addison's character and I fell more in love with her than ever before. But everyone else is so dull (I can't even remember their NAMES), except the psycho-logist who annoys me by staying attached to a rotten ex, and the receptionist-midwife-guy whom I DID love, but now dislike for his sexist comments. And in this last episode the whole thing has become ridiculously misogynistic. Examples: whats-his-face says 'be a man' to the psycho-logist to encourage her to delete shitty-ex's message. Hello? since when did men become the only ones capable of moving on?

Also, arrogant-holistic-guy tells his dead wife that she 'withheld sex' which is an INCREDIBLY MISOGYNISTIC concept that INFURIATES me every time I hear it!!! 'Withholding' implies that sex is owed. NO ONE ever owes anyone sex, never never never never NEVER FUCKING NEVER!!! Marriage is not a contract in which woman must pay man sex whenever he wants it, however he wants it. Sex is ALWAYS a mutual gift, it cannot be coerced, stolen, obligated, or bought. When it is coerced, stolen, obligated, or bought, it becomes rape. So the concept of 'withholding' implies that a woman should submit to rape whenever the man desires it, or she is being a bad wife. A healthy, respectful person only wants to have sex if their spouse also desires it -- a good person does not wish to coerce anyone into having sex. If he is randy and she is not, he can have sex with HIMSELF. And the concept that sex can be 'withheld' implies that the woman has only one reason for not wanting to have sex -- spite. First of all, it is not 'spiteful' to not want to have sex. A woman is not harming a man by not having sex with him -- she is merely refraining from joining in a mutual creation of pleasure. She's not starving him -- she's just not sharing her dessert. He has his own dessert, he doesn't NEED to share hers. Failing to give a gift is NOT SPITE. The reasons a woman does not want to have sex are very simple: 1) the sex is bad, either because of the other person's problems or personal wounds; or 2) the relationship has other problems which make her unhappy with the man. If the sex is good and she's happy with her spouse, she's going to want sex.

And on the subject of arrogant-holistic-guy: "do you need me to kiss you again?" UGH! a hint for you Addison -- the proper response would be: "no, stop harassing me. If I want to be in a relationship with you that permits the intimacy of kissing, I will let you know." possible addendum: "you arrogant, sexist pig."

ALSO, the storyline with the couple where the woman had vag. problems and couldn't have sex: UGH!!!! if a man told me that he would leave me if I couldn't have penis-in-vagina sex with him, I'd fucking divorce him on the spot for caring more about sex than about me. That was so fucking sick, especially since they were newlyweds and should have had a liiiiiittle more faith in the power of love. sick sick sick. Also, they could still have both had orgasms (her clit still worked from what I could tell of the medical-ese), so why the emphasis on penis-in-vagina sex?? it's implied that that is the only 'real' sex, which I think is both narrow-minded and heterosexist. ((I would still have tried whatever I could to get it fixed, but not in order to keep assface-sexually-selfish-nasty-person in my life)) I was also extremely annoyed by the woman's pathetic eagerness to please. She didn't want to have sex for her own sake, but to KEEP HIM FROM LEAVING HER.

AND then receptionist-midwife-guy goes on and on about how you can manipulate women by 'finding out what they want and giving it to them.' Now I agree this is true, but it is true of HUMANS, not merely women and children -- men are not immune. And manipulating anyone for your own personal gain is not something to be proud of.

bah, this was supposed to be a post of bunches of stuff, but it is too long already. Anyway, I think I'll give Private Practice one more try and if it doesn't dump the sexism and get more interesting, I'm not watching, not even for Addison.

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Boondocks: Huey the Visionary
growing_wise ══╣Boondocks: Huey the Visionary╠══
You are so right about withholding sex. In my first relationship my partner always wanted sex more than I did and she would always make me feel guilty about it, and I'd have sex with her more often than I really wanted to. After we broke up she told me that even though she said she wanted sex 4-5 times a week, she really only wanted it 2-3 times a week but she thought that if she increased it she'd get what she really wanted. So basically not only was she guilt-tripping me into having sex with her, she was also manipulating me to get what she wanted. She was such a horrible person!
belenen ══╣ewwwww╠══
damn, that's horrid! I'm glad you're not with her anymore.
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
hello deer, dorry i missed your call yesterday!! i was in school; i have classes 9-1 on mon/wed/fri and 9-5 tue/thu. are you still up all night?? i can call after nine my time, when i get free minutes, but that's not til eleven your time.... feel free to myspace me or email; lj has ceased sending me comment notifications, and it's driving me BATTY
belenen ══╣curious╠══
what time do you usually go to bed? I always get the urge to call late at night, heh. ;-)
kmiotutsie ══╣╠══
i'm usually in bed around eleven these days. early to bed, early to rise, makes a kat healthy and, well.... anyway ;) free minutes over the weekend though-- call me ANYTIME!!
sun_bubbles ══╣╠══
I haven't ever heard of this show, but your writings on sex in a relationship and how twistedly it can be seen relly touched me.

When I was with my bf I felt like I owed him sex. I tried giving it to him and felt like it was my obligation even though I didn't want to do it. That made me hate sex and hate the bf.

I'm right with you: nobody owes anyone sex.
belenen ══╣strong╠══
felt like it was my obligation even though I didn't want to do it. That made me hate sex and hate the bf.

yep, I went through the same thing at the very beginning of my relationship with Ben. I'm glad we both unlearned that because it is such a damaging concept!
austentatious ══╣╠══
I don't watch Private Practice, but I HEAR YOU on all this! How infuriating, and to have it all lumped in one show, too!

The concept of sex being "owed" is ridiculous. Just because a couple has different sex drives doesn't mean that the person with the lower sex drive has some sort of obligation to increase the sex for the other. I absolutely love your analogy about the dessert, and will probably use that if I ever get to discuss this again. :)

Psh. Don't you know that it's not real sex unless there's a penis? I am just so angry and amused by that stigma, because I can think of tons of other ways that they could both have a satisfying sexual experience without actually having PIV sex. Grrr!

This would be perfect for feminist_rage, or even feminist_fandom if you're interested. :)

belenen ══╣strong╠══
I'm glad you agree! and I might try posting it there, I'll keep it in mind. ;-)
mourningdoveava ══╣byakuya╠══
The other thing about the concept of "withholding sex" that freaks me out is how closely that concept is tied to other concepts of consumerism and capitalism. Essentially, the "withholding" of sex implies a framework in which sex is commodified and quantifiable, which leads to a whole host of other questions about politics and the body and the forcing of sex into a public, politicised, government-controlled forum...
belenen ══╣upset╠══
YES. Exactly. And further, because women are non-persons, they cannot own sex, it is owned only by (straight) men. Ugh.
demonista ══╣╠══
yes! thanks for teh rant. i didn't watch the show, but say the ads for it, and just by that, thought it was going to be craptastic--and lo and behold, i was right.
belenen ══╣strong╠══
glad you liked the rant!
mister_smartass ══╣╠══
I never liked addison.

why isn't there an izzie show?
grey's anatomy
belenen ══╣grey's anatomy╠══
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.