October 2018
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early crushes/loves


Until I was in high school (age 16 or 17), I didn't even know there was a such thing as romantic love for your own sex. I'm so not kidding! I was... I can't say 'sheltered' -- more like 'incarcerated.' We only had contact with kids in Christian school, homeschool, and church. We did not have TV (one thing I do agree with my parents on) and only watched movies that were purchased from a Christian film company (don't agree on). My parents had complete control over what we were exposed to.

And yet. I remember very clearly having strong crushes for both sexes, and some strong enough that I would call them love. I wouldn't have thought of them that way at the time because I had no context for it, but so it was.

Crushes: My first crush was Stevie. He was also the first person my age I ever met (that I can remember). I was four. That crush lasted through me letting him cut in line in front of me and kicking people who spoke badly of him. The older kids called me 'Pocahontas' for my fierce protectiveness and willingness to sacrifice myself (and my long hair). But it ended one day in kindergarten when I was on the merry-go-round and he ordered me to get off, even though he wasn't even using it! (he was on the monkey bars) I considered whether or not I wanted to listen, and Marcus spoke up and said "She doesn't need to get off! She can use it." Suddenly I realized that a person who wanted to control me wasn't worth my love, and my infatuation promptly switched from Stevie to Marcus. (I've never again fallen for someone who wanted to tell me what to do)

Crush: At the beginning of my third grade year, a new girl came to my school. She had long, curly, fiery red hair and she was SO bold and feisty. Her name was Brandy, and we quickly became best friends. She also 'went out' with Marcus, but I didn't care. Once he hurt her feelings and she cried and I then HATED him, but forgave him when they got back together. In the middle of the school year I moved to Atlanta (my dad's in the military) and when we parted she cried! I was so touched that she cared so much for me. She gave me her dad's phone number (her parents were divorced and he lived in ATL) but I lost it. That is one of the things I most regret having lost.

Crush: At some point in those early years I went to Vacation Bible School and saw this girl with loooooooong black hair, green eyes, and a ready smile -- I had such a crush on her that I looked for her every time I went to church from then on. She was older than me, so I was too intimidated to talk to her, but wow, I can still remember the thrill of seeing her.

I also crushed on my partner from when I met him at age 8 and we all know how that turned out :D There were many other crushes, but not so strong as these.

Love: Then I met Sylvia McStay. I would never have categorized it as romantic love then... I was 11, she was 8 and she lived down the road from me. I spent all my time with her and tried to 'save' her (despite being scared to share) and got extremely jealous if she played with anyone without me. I was downright mean to her cousin because Sylvia would play with her without me (and the cousin and I didn't get along, so Sylvia wouldn't tell me about it). Several times I beat up Sylvia's older brother for being mean to her -- once he made the mistake of bonking her on the head while the three of us were in the backseat of the car and he couldn't run off (going to Vacation Bible School, no less) and I turned into an absolute wildcat and tore him up. Scared my mom, heh. After that he didn't bother her when I was around. I was definitely too possessive, but I genuinely loved her in my dysfunctional way. After we moved, I wrote her a lot (which is impressive for an 11-year-old) and sent presents on her birthday, and talked her up to all my Maryland friends. Whenever I got mad at them I would threaten not to let them meet Sylvia when she came to visit, and they were so in-love-by-proxy that that actually worked. She was this mythical creature to me, and therefore to them. Then we lost touch because she moved, and didn't get back in touch until one day when I looked up her dad's name in the phone book and called her! I went to visit for a few days, but was somewhat disillusioned because she had a habit of lying (not in attempt to deceive but in attempt to make herself seem 'more') and she was a cheerleader. Mainly I realized we weren't close any more, which made me very sad, but I mourned and moved on. I tried to send her an invitation to my graduation but the letter was returned because she'd moved.

Love: I met Rachel at a homeschooling co-op when I was about 14, and I idolized her. She was everything I had always wanted to be -- beautiful, intelligent, a talented artist, an advanced ballet dancer, a very skilled musician, very friendly and confident and popular and spiritual. I would cry myself to sleep at night (many, many nights) because she was so important to me and I didn't mean anything to her (that I could tell, anyway). I desperately wanted to be the most important girl in her life (I loathed her best friend even though she was nice enough). I would have given anything for her. Then we went to camp with our youth group and she acted in a way that I thought was horrible, and I hated her for wrecking the falsely perfect image I had of her. (I wasn't very kind or forgiving as a child) I think a big part of the reason I hated her so much was because I had such strong feelings for her, and once I deemed her unworthy of love I had to send those feelings in another direction. Now looking back, I really regret having judged her. I had a dream about her two years ago that really changed my perspective, and I tried to get back in touch but couldn't. I hope she's doing okay, wherever she is.

Love: I met Josh at Camp on the Rock (a Christian youth camp) when I was about 15, I think. He told his testimony (the story of his life, for you who are not as acquainted with christianese) and I was so incredibly moved that just before the week ended, I took him aside and told him how much I was blown away, and cried in front of him (me, who was terrified of showing emotion in front of people, terrified of talking to strangers, and especially terrified of guys). He thanked me humbly and hugged me. I prayed for him every single night for the next full year. That is some serious dedication! I think I may have forgotten twice, but I made up for it by sometimes praying multiple times a day. The next year, we were in the same group again (I think the only people in the camp who were in the same group both years, and I'm certain it was because I prayed for it the whole ride there) but I was put off by the change in him. Instead of humble and vulnerable, he was cocky and swaggering. I probably would have hated him for it, but several times I sensed a wistfulness, and I knew that wasn't the way he wanted to act, but that he felt he had to put up that front for some reason. Also, at one point we put on a skit, and he was one of two guys who put on dresses, makeup, and high heels (I can't remember what the skit was, heh) and I was VERY impressed by that. It takes a certain kind of guy to do that! and it wasn't some flouncy sexless dress either -- it was a knee-length formfitting sheath dress! I thought he was incredibly sexy. He is the only 'bulky muscled' guy I have ever been attracted to.

I've always been prone to falling in love or dancing on the edge of it. I'm a little in love with three girls and two guys (not including my partner) at the moment but don't think I'll be posting about that. *blushes*

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Comments
jania_monster ══╣╠══
This makes me think about my crushes and loves... You always write entries that make me think. :)

It's also enlightening to read about different experiences that people from different backrounds have, how one thing that is the same for all is received and perceived by them.

I always knew there could be sexual and romantic love between women and that's why my experience is wholly different. :)
exuviate
belenen ══╣exuviate╠══
awww, what a wonderful compliment ;-)

that's so cool. Part of me wishes I had known (and wonders how I could have been unknowing so long) but most of me is glad, because if I didn't have those experiences that way, I wouldn't be the person I am now. ;-)
flutterbychild ══╣╠══
I think I was in college when I realized that romantic, sexual love could exist between people of the same gender...now I tend to fall hard--deeply and madly in love--kind of quickly, and it is these levels of emotional intensity that scare the crap out of me sometimes.

I have crushes on at least two girls right now and am wishing for a partner... He is elusive to me.
honesty
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
emotional intensity... I know what you mean. it is scary -- especially for me, since I often end up being WAY more into it than the other person. :-\ Sometimes I feel like I am the only person who loves that deeply and intensely.
mourningdoveava ══╣╠══
Sometimes the experience of loving or having a crush on someone in such a way is so beautiful, too. :) I told Dani once I hope I never outgrow the ability to fall in love with people or get crushes on people, because to me something about the act itself helps you see a little of who they really are and what they really have to offer. It's such a gift to be able to see people in that kind of way.
voltaic
belenen ══╣voltaic╠══
something about the act itself helps you see a little of who they really are and what they really have to offer. It's such a gift to be able to see people in that kind of way.

Oh yes! I firmly believe that if we all could see each other truly, we would all feel that way about EVERYONE. It's the people we see the clearest that we love the most ♥
blood_4_deniro ══╣╠══
aww....it got me thinking about all the crushes i'd had thru my life. there are so many, lol. i wrote about mine in my paper journal, but am kinda apprehensive about posting them on my lj (even tho i know those people arent anywhere close to where i live). i might anyway just for the fun of it ^^;
confused
belenen ══╣confused╠══
aww, I'd love to read your stories!

have you been 'date out of order' -ing your posts lately? because I haven't seen them on my friends page! *concerned face*
blood_4_deniro ══╣╠══
nope :) i try to post regularly, i havent been getting friends' pages on mine either, except for communities. unless i go like 4-5 pages into my friends' pages. so i just go individually. oh....my FO banner thing could be what's doin' it...i have to "date out of order" all my entries because of it. i may change it :)
analytical
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
actually, if you choose 'date out of order' on the FO banner, you shouldn't have to do that on the others, I don't think....

and the 'date out of order' option makes it so that your entries don't show up on anyone's friends page! so I hope you switch it because I wanna see 'em! ;-)
blood_4_deniro ══╣╠══
done...and done!
brighid0704 ══╣╠══
I, too, hate it when people wreck the images I have of them. Often, I feel things so strongly, and sort of put people up on pedistols. Obviously, since they are only human, they can never live up to my expectations. Then, I'm crushed. It's a vicious cycle, but, now that I'm aware of doing it, it's a bit better.
analytical
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
yeah, it's a hard thing to overcome! I've come a long way in the last decade, thank goodness. ;-)
lorelei_sakti ══╣╠══
You have a really strong memory. I don't think I've had nearly as many crushes, though... There were only two that I can remember of before I graduated from high school. One of them actually got in touch with me this past year, because he was serving in Afghanistan and he was bored, so he was getting in touch with old classmates. It's weird how sometimes people randomly pop up in real life or in dreams after you haven't thought of them in years.
hypnotiq
belenen ══╣hypnotiq╠══
it's funny -- those memories are the strongest I have of my childhood -- my total memories before age 10 I could probably count on both hands. I guess because I daydreamed about them so much, they stuck. ;-)
bellerisa ══╣╠══
That scene with Marcus standing up for you and making you realise a few things is so cute :)

Thanks for sharing your crush stories - you're a very passionate person!
amused
belenen ══╣amused╠══
hee hee, it was my little six-year-old brain going, 'yeah, I'm my own boss!' *giggles*

'welcome! ;-) and most definitely. *nods quickly*
Mangoes!
jendaby ══╣Mangoes!╠══
Wow, this was so beautiful to read! I am really impressed by the way you are so open about this and share your true feelings and memories about these people, and it is insightful and sad and nostalgic all at once. Love is a wonderful thing, and so is realizing that one has friends who seem to experience love in a similar way to onesself. :) You are fabulous!
incitement
belenen ══╣incitement╠══
aww, thank you so much! ♥ *beams*
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
Thank you for sharing this. I agree that sometimes people hate someone they loved because they need to redirect that strong feeling and tat's what happened with Rachel.
garrulous
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
yeah!
demonista ══╣╠══
wow, thanks for your crush stories! that was adorable/awesome/sweet/lovely/etc :)
adorable
belenen ══╣adorable╠══
awww, thank you! :D
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
I definitely don't mean this in any way that's offensive...I don't think it could be taken that way but I just wanted to make sure! Anyway, honest question:

Do you feel like the act of you defining "soul friendship" was, in part, an effort to reconcile your romantic feelings for females and the religion in which you were raised (since most Christian sects oppose homosexual marriage/relationships)? Or do you feel that soul friendship was something entirely different?
soulfriendship
belenen ══╣soulfriendship╠══
oh, no. Definitely not. I had a soulfriendship with Hannah that was completely platonic, though we are both bisexual. Soulfriendship is what I think we were intended to do in all of our relationships (or at least work toward), but we don't do that in our modern world because people are not usually willing to commit that deeply without the financial and sexual benefits of marriage.

I think that if one hasn't experienced soulfriendship, it's hard to imagine -- but it's definitely something separate from romantic/sexual relationships. You have to have soulfriendship to have successful romantic/sexual relationships, but you don't have to have sex or romance to have a soulfriendship.
meganlynnangela ══╣╠══
hmm...I can't help but notice that you said "had," as in past-tense. I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you're healing well from the loss of that...that is, if I'm interpreting it correctly! I also can't help but notice that your icon ^ has you and hannah in it, so maybe I misinterpreted your use of past tense :).

So I guess my next question would be, in your opinion, can soulfriendship exist without it being discussed as that? For example, I think my relationship with my best friend might be something you would consider soulfriendship. We are cousins and born 13 days apart, we've been best friends our whole lives. I don't have a secret in the world I would hesitate to tell her, and I get deeply angry when someone hurts her--about as angry as if someone had done something bad to me. But we've always just referred to each other as "best friends," without really discussing what that means...we've grown up together, so it's more like we just live it.

LOL this might sound like I'm asking you to analyze my friendship with Katie (the best friend I mentioned) and no worries, I'm not, I'm just trying to get a better grasp on your concept of soulfriendship...it's something you've written about that's always intrigued me.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.