March 2019
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remembering childhood places, people / my favorite childhood memory

I remember places. The space under the trailer where I played at making food (mud pies and mud soup) for homeless people (whom I'd never seen) with a stick and my rust-colored depression glass cup. The spot on the edge of the playground at school where no one but me and the caterpillars ever went. The place on our driveway where I stepped over a black-and-yellow snake and didn't realize it until three steps later, 'cause I was running so fast. The edge of my mother's iris garden, where a baby pine tree poked out of the ground and I rescued it from my mom's weeding hands. (to return years later and find it had grown to at least twice my height) The tree in the backyard where I once peeled a strip of bark and saw to my chagrin that I had wrecked the roof of a family of ladybugs. And the bedroom where I laid belly-down on the floor with my cat and watched under the door as people moved us out of the first home I remember.

I remember people. The girl who I played paper dolls with, who wouldn't let me play with the one I wanted so I chose a bellydancing costume with headscarf and veil, called her 'Noface' and played her so happily that we ended up fighting over her. The teacher that I thought was so cruel -- until one day she paddled me (it was a school that allowed for that, with proper documentation/permission) and afterward picked me up, hugged me, and told me she loved me: that she had to spank me for lying but it didn't change how she felt about me. (I think that may be part of the reason I can't stand lies to this day) The aunt who gave me a glitter-filled plastic baton and encouraged me in my dreams of being a dancer. The stranger who told me 'boys will be boys' when my brother was being a little ass in the grocery store, who infuriated me (at age 6) and made me realize for the first time that boys and girls were treated differently and that it was wrong. The 'big kids' at my school who called me Pocahontas (for my protectiveness of my crush and my waist-length hair), which I took as a huge compliment because I desperately wanted to be Native American. The group of girls in my neighborhood whom I told elaborate stories of how I was really an Indian Princess who had been switched at birth, but my real family was keeping a close eye on me and would take me back once I learned enough. (and I told it so convincingly that they believed me -- they told me so years later when I moved back into that neighborhood)

But I only remember one positive event, one positive moment in time that I can remember clearly enough to picture it. I was four years old. I went into my parents' bedroom where my dad was sitting on the bed reading the bible and making notes. He had a yellow legal pad with a HUGE list of verse references, and I pointed to random ones, asked him what they were, and he quoted them for me. After a few we lapsed into silence, him reading and me just thinking. I thought that his turning those little letters and numbers into whole verses was Jesus inside him working miracles. (it was too much to imagine memorizing them all) Then I asked him what I had to do to have Jesus come into my heart, and he got very excited but tried to stay calm. He asked me if I knew John 3:16, so I quoted it to him, and he prayed the 'sinner's prayer' with me. (I now believe that it was the act of opening my heart, not the words said, that created the experience) I remember so clearly the feeling of euphoria that came over me. I felt that Jesus had come into my heart and was glowing in me -- I felt connected to everything, that everything was absolutely perfectly beautiful, and that I was fully loved.

My beliefs have expanded and changed since then, of course, but that moment will never leave me. I don't call myself a Christian because that does not encompass all of my beliefs, but I have a deep fondness for Jesus, who was my only real friend and comfort throughout my childhood. I talked to him constantly, in all those places and about all those people whom I remember -- he's my favorite childhood memory. ♥

LJ idol topic 1: my favorite 'childhood' memory ((please vote for me here!))

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n_decisive ══╣╠══
I'm going to think on the best way to explain what I felt reading this story, but for now, I just want you to know I think it's good.

belenen ══╣hopeful╠══
thank you so much! ♥
bornbeautiful ══╣╠══
wow. that was a beautiful entry. i felt like i could see it happening.
belenen ══╣hopeful╠══
oooohhh, wonderful compliment, thank you! ♥
frecklestars ══╣╠══
You and I did quite a few similar things as children. This made me smile. :)
belenen ══╣gamine╠══
aww, really? what things? ;-)
frecklestars ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
anchasta ══╣╠══
Lots of sweet moments...I love your rainbow icon, by the by. ;)
belenen ══╣rainbowarrior╠══
thanks! which one? I have quite a few, heh :D
dragonwine ══╣Butterfly╠══
Can I borrow the rights to your life story? Your existence is both a brilliant screenplay and coming of age novel unto itself.

Beautiful. ♥
heart in my throat
belenen ══╣heart in my throat╠══
oh man, you're gonna make me cry! Thank you so much ♥
elva_undine ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
hee hee, I still do, I just don't try to convince my friends that I am anymore *giggles*
Waspinator  made by jade_a  :)
iballs2entrails ══╣Waspinator made by jade_a :)╠══
This was an amazing entry.
belenen ══╣writing╠══
thank you! ♥
this is the place I call home
smurfb1ue ══╣this is the place I call home╠══
I love your memory of the teacher who hugged you and loved on you after paddling you. As someone going into the teaching profession, I love hearing good memories of good teachers since there are some really wretched teachers out there too.
belenen ══╣exuviate╠══
yes! It's funny how a PUNISHMENT made me go from disliking to loving her. ;-) I guess it's 'cause my parents withdrew love when I did something 'bad' so it was a shocking and wonderful concept that someone could love me even when I was 'bad.' I bet she has no idea the impact that made on me...
Pink Star of David
roina_arwen ══╣Pink Star of David╠══
Very well written, and a wonderful story - thanks for sharing!
belenen ══╣writing╠══
thank you very much! ;-)
mme_furiosa ══╣╠══
I loved this, particularly the places. I had a place like that in the playground, where only me and the caterpillars went. I have my own reasons for hating lies, but this read true and pure. Thank you.
belenen ══╣honesty╠══
aww ♥ The place I went was somewhere we weren't actually supposed to go, heh, because the playground cut into the side of a hill with a retaining wall, and I would go on top of the wall. I got away with a lot of stuff because I was usually such a good kid.

I have many reasons for hating lies... that particular one didn't occur to me until just recently as I was writing this. ;-) What are your reasons, if you don't mind sharing?
mme_furiosa ══╣╠══
xo_kizzy_xo ══╣╠══
I really don't know what to say because my mouth's still hanging open in awe!

Love both the Pocahontas image and the teacher -- wise of her to punish the deed but NOT the child herself.

*still in awe*
belenen ══╣hopeful╠══
oh, wow, what an amazing compliment! thank you! :D
lilmissmagic71 ══╣╠══
WOW. This entry really touched me... I am thrilled by your imagery and the organization of the piece... Thanks for sharing this!
belenen ══╣hopeful╠══
oh, thank you so much! ♥
hello there
1_rhiannon_1 ══╣hello there╠══
Great entry!
belenen ══╣writing╠══
hair in face
kittenboo ══╣hair in face╠══
i have a hard time picking out real positive or favorite memories too. there are some there but i feel too detached from them to really write about them.

i bet in that moment, the feeling of connection was absolutely magical
belenen ══╣interconnectedness╠══
My mom and little sister remember so many things that I don't. I went through some abuse as a child, and I think in trying to block that out I blocked out a ton of my childhood. :-\ I'm still hoping to get the good memories back, as I work through the negative stuff.

it was ♥
shadowwolf13 ══╣╠══
This is very sweet and such a lovely memory. Thank you for sharing.
belenen ══╣writing╠══
thank you! ;-)
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.