Belenen (belenen) wrote,
Belenen
belenen

an intense, committed relationship does not need sex to be legitimate

I'm so sick and tired of this incredibly stupid double standard. If a relationship involves sex, it is considered natural and healthy to expect it to be deep and intense; you're expected to mourn and be heartbroken if it ends. But if the relationship does NOT involve sex, people think it is unnatural for it to be deep and intense, and it is somehow proof of the 'unnaturalness' of it that one is heartbroken when it ends. What the hell is that all about? I'll tell you what it is all about; people are afraid of intimacy. People cannot imagine intimacy without sex, because intimacy is so scary that they won't attempt it without the physical high of sex. And when faced with someone who has created intimacy without sex, they choose to believe that that person has transgressed by stepping outside the boundaries of 'propriety.'

And then they come to me and they get on their high horse and tell me that I expect too much, and imply that I get what I deserve for being so demanding. The arrogance! Those same people would never say "you can't expect it to be forever, because humans don't work like that" about a romantic relationship -- even if it may be true! I'm tired of my friendships being viewed as lesser because they don't include sex. I loved Hannah every bit as much as I loved Ben -- I loved them both with all of my heart. And she loved me as much as she loved her partner Nick. We didn't rank each other lower because we weren't lovers.

I do not expect too much. I do not expect soulfriendship with anyone unless we have thoroughly discussed it and decided to embark on it together -- just like two people in a marriage/partnership discuss it and choose it together. Of all of my other friends, I have no set expectations. I 'let them flow.' But just like a romantic relationship, friendship changes when you add commitment to it. It is a different kind of relationship -- more intense. And just like I wouldn't swear off romantic relationships because one ended, I'm not going to swear off soulfriendship. I know what it's like; I know what incredible benefits it gives, the love and growth and learning. I fully intend to keep on having soulfriendships, whether they are with lovers or not.

Thank you for criticizing me when I'm desperately depressed, random commenter. Facing down cynicism always bolsters my faith.

thinking about using this as my sexual ethics entry -- what do you think? maybe if I take out the anger?
((note: this entry is not about anyone on my flist))
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