Belenen (belenen) wrote,

my most annoying personality obfuscation: fear of the physical world

This week's LJ idol topic: "My Most Annoying Personality Trait"

I don't believe people have negative personality traits, because that implies that the negative quality is inherent. I think people are beautiful at core, though they may pick up negative traits in the same way that a the most beautiful cloth would pick up dirt and debris if you were to drag it along the ground. And I don't believe it is possible to stain the human spirit -- some things are harder to wash out than others, but nothing is impossible to remove because it does not become part of us -- the negative cannot reach our core.

So I decided to give the topic a slight change: "My Most Annoying Personality Obfuscation" (to obfuscate is to make so unclear/opaque as to be difficult to perceive/understand).

And here it is: I yield to fear and let it control me. Not emotionally, no -- I think I am one of most emotionally brave people I've ever known -- but physically. I'm afraid of any physical risk, no matter how illogical or minute. Just walking alone halfway across the neighborhood to get my mail is a major accomplishment for me because in some alternate universe I could get mugged or kidnapped (I live in a very safe area). I sometimes go into the side yard to take photos of my jewelry, but if anyone comes by I get nervous and uncomfortable and scurry back inside like a mouse. As far as driving, once I push myself out of the flat I can comfortably drive anywhere that I am familiar with, but I am afraid to drive further than 30 minutes from my flat and I can't go anywhere that would require a map because I am afraid of getting lost. If I'm with someone else I don't have this problem, but I have no friends nearby so it's a big part of my life, and it's infuriating.

I'm not sure how this fear came back into my life -- a few years ago I spent nearly a year literally housebound from fear (when I was working through childhood sexual abuse in counseling) but as I progressed I lost that fear, and then this year it crept up on me again. Perhaps it feeds on depression, because this has been a supremely bad year; whatever the case, I am determined to overcome it. Last year I almost lost several of my friends because of canceling on them several times thanks to this senseless phobia -- it will not cause me or my friends such pain again. And I can only imagine the number of opportunities that I have lost because I have not gone out to discover them.

This year is the year of physical risk-taking for me. I've started off small, with a goal of going out at least three times a week to Curves -- barely a mile from my flat. But it is a step that will make other steps easier, because with increased strength I have more confidence, and when I feel strong enough I plan to take a self-defense class. And in April I hope to be strong enough to join in a nocturnal treetop excursion -- nighttime and trees are two of my greatest passions. I will not miss this opportunity! I do hope that I will have a friend to go with me but I am determined to go even if I go alone. And in the meantime I will challenge myself with meeting new people and going new places alone.

Next year I hope to look back and say "Wow, I can't believe I was ever that fearful. I'm so glad to be free!"

LJ idol topic 12: "My Most Annoying Personality Trait Obfuscation" ((if you liked/got something from this, please vote for me))
Tags: fear / insecurity, growth, true self, turning points, writing prompts

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.