Belenen (belenen) wrote,

a whole new kind of risk-taking: Aurilion & Hannah / Ava / oh joy!

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

A little backstory: Two years ago I met Aurilion when ze came down to visit our mutual friend Ashley. Aurilion and I had been LJ friends for a while but I had never really gotten a sense of zir, but when we met in person there was an instant connection. We both felt it so strongly, but Aurilion was beginning a romantic relationship with Ashley (and Mike) who did not want zir to respect/explore the connection with me. Through a nasty series of events, Aurilion ended up cutting contact with me. I was hurt and saddened but believed with all my heart that the connection would eventually be restored.

In February, Aurilion (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to my partner and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Aurilion proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Aurilion told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Aurilion and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Aurilion understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Aurilion's ex, my former friend) contacted Aurilion again, and Aurilion felt that ze needed to explore their connection and see what happened. I was very uncomfortable with this at first because while I have forgiven Ashley, I do not trust zir. But Aurilion and I had a long discussion about openness and honesty, and Aurilion shared zir heart freely with me, and while I was still uncomfortable with Ashley I felt that Aurilion and I had strengthened our connection enough that Ashley would not separate us again. That night I had a dream about the three of us, in which I saw Aurilion as certain that ze wanted to be with me and not Ashley (in a romantic way), and after that I felt comfortable with Aurilion being friends with Ashley. About a week after that, Aurilion realized that old destructive patterns were still coming between zir and Ashley, so ze let Ashley know that ze did not want contact with zir at this point.

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does my partner think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Aurilion, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

So, heh, what all this means is that I have gone from one lover to two to three to one and a triad to three again, all in the span of a few weeks, plus the realization of another very strong connection. I've only now gotten enough time to put all the pieces together in a verbal way... I'm still awed and thrilled and amazed and... wow. Oh, and let me tell you -- March 7th was when I started saying this affirmation, and March 19th was when Aurilion first told me she was in love with me, and when I began falling in love with her. Notice the edits I had made since saying it before: "... all of my dreams come true. I attract miraculous happenings and open, honest, loving, connected people. ... People fall in love with me, and I fall in love with them. All of my friendships grow stronger and healthier." I had believed in the power of words/faith/prayer/gratitude already but I have never seen it happen SO DRAMATICALLY. This is... beyond words. Life and death are in the power of the tongue, for sure.

I have felt unable to post about this until now because I needed all that time to process it, and because I was a little afraid that people would assume that Hannah and I were going to get together romantically because of our connection, because some assumed that when we were soulfriends. It would have been easily possible for me to stay platonic with zir, or with Aurilion for that matter. But I know you all know this. ;-)

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Aurilion is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Aurilion is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection
Tags: ashe, aurilion, ava, b - ex-partner, hannah, love, magic, polyamory / relationship anarchy, risk-taking, the essential belenen collection, turning points

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
← Ctrl ← Alt
Ctrl → Alt →
← Ctrl ← Alt
Ctrl → Alt →