July 2018
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Aurilion's visit - first kisses! / hyper-aware of PDAs, awed at newness / bi-poly = true me


I have this 'crowd blindness' where I cannot recognize people when I meet them in public -- even Nimajn or others I've known for years. (I think it may be that I see people as a collection of features rather than a whole, so I have to mentally check each feature) It takes me a little while to mentally place a person, so when Nimajn and I picked Aurilion up from the airport, I was worried that I would not spot zir because the flow of people was moving so fast. I needn't have worried! Ze spotted me, yelled "BEL!", dashed over and barreled into me, almost knocking me over, and hugged me so tightly ze squeezed out my air. Then ze kissed me and I automatically turned my cheek to zir before I realized that ze was aiming for my mouth -- then I turned back to kiss zir on the lips.

My first same-sex kiss! My first kiss with anyone-not-Nimajn! My first mouth-kiss in public in YEARS! I was quite intoxicated from the newness of it and beamed and stumbled my way out of the airport, holding hands and swinging arms delightedly. As Nimajn drove us home (such a wonderful gift ♥), Aurilion and I sat in the back seat and kissed and kissed and kissed. Oh God/dess, such kisses ♥

Throughout the visit, I was hyper-aware of touch in public. This was really weird for me because I'm used to being almost defiantly affectionate with my female-bodied friends in public, and I know I have been assumed to be lesbian many times. But it being actually romantic made it feel SO DIFFERENT. I felt so much shyer. At first I was like "wtf, Bel, is this internalized homophobia? I thought you were way past that!" And as I thought about it I realized that I would have felt the same if Aurilion had been male, so that wasn't the reason. Instead, I think it was because: I've only experienced romance with a person who has not liked public displays of affection, and thus I have been 'trained' for the past 6+ years to reserve my romantic stuff for privacy; I'm still getting over the fear that people will think I am cheating on Nimajn and therefore dishonest; and most of all it's just new on so many levels! Most people have more than one romance before getting married, and I had never even held hands with anyone except Nimajn until this week. I felt so young and inexperienced! I felt SHY. The shyness faded pretty quickly, but the wonder-at-newness remained. It's so. freaking. amazing.

I think part of me feels 'legitimized' in a way. Like, I have known that I'm bisexual and polyamorous for a long time now but I had never experienced an actual bi-poly relationship in practice. I'm glad it didn't happen earlier because I would have called this 'proof' but I don't need 'proof'. It just feels good to finally be living it; I'm not sure how to explain that. It's like I have come into my own. This is me! and I love it.

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Comments
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opheliasxflower ══╣╠══
hehe, this is so sweet. I loved reading this entry - made me feel so happy for the both of you.

I must admit that I was surprised that you hadn't kissed a woman, though. I honestly thought that you would have to break a few hearts, given how open and honest you are. It must have been wonderful sharing your first same-sex kiss with someone you have cared about for so long - I hope to have that someday too.

This really made me happy, and I hope that the two of you will get to visit one another very soon.
artless
belenen ══╣artless╠══
awww ♥

haha! I only realized I could be and have been attracted to women about 3 years ago, and I have been married all that time. And I only realized I am polyamorous maybe a year ago? so there hasn't been much opportunity, but yeah, in some ways I'm surprised too ;-)

thank you for being happy for us!
(Anonymous) ══╣╠══
vivacious
belenen ══╣vivacious╠══
*beams* thank you for sharing and reflecting my (our) joy! :D
Me:  Wedding Fairy - laughing
mermaiden ══╣Me: Wedding Fairy - laughing╠══
Again, this is the happiest entry!! Every single one of your entries lately has put such a smile on my face~ I'm so happy for you, darlin'!!
acid_burns ══╣╠══
You said it :)

belenen ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
armandii ══╣╠══
:-)
*wide smiles*
satisfaction
belenen ══╣satisfaction╠══
*beams!*
brightlotusmoon ══╣╠══
AWWW!
Same sex kisses are fantastic.
The first woman I ever kissed was one of my best friends, and it was in front of our husbands -- who were very happy about it. She was so soft and pliant, I kept thinking I might bruise her. We women are so soft!
concupiscent
belenen ══╣concupiscent╠══
Kissing more than one person/sex is SO FUN because now I can fully appreciate kisses -- it's hard to fully appreciate something if it is all you've ever experienced! It's fascinating to note the differences. ;-)
phydeau ══╣╠══
Kiss away. I'm happy for you.
kissy
belenen ══╣kissy╠══
thank you! :D
coloured kiss
diepunyhuman ══╣coloured kiss╠══

ah, this is a good read.

I myself am coming into my own about my feelings and poly. The hetero/homo wars have been fought against and won recently, but I didn't realise how much all of this would impact my life.

I'm glad to at least know someone with similar ideals online. Thank you for being a role model of sorts, a pillar of strength, and for following your own heart and mind.
bisexuality
belenen ══╣bisexuality╠══
ah, this is a good read.

♥ thank you SO MUCH for saying that! what a wonderful compliment!

I hope you will share your feelings about poly, I am very curious.

*hugs* thank you so much ♥
diepunyhuman ══╣╠══
belenen ══╣╠══
diepunyhuman ══╣╠══
Heee!
jendaby ══╣Heee!╠══
Oh, that is so lovely! I am so very happy for you! :) A good, loving bi-poly relationship is such a beautiful and magical thing, and I am always happy when people I care about find this ultimate happiness! *hugs*
ecstatic
belenen ══╣ecstatic╠══
eeee! :D thank you for celebrating with us!
sweetiejen: wheee
bellerisa ══╣sweetiejen: wheee╠══
You're so lucky/blessed to be experiencing such happiness and new experiences :D
effervescent
belenen ══╣effervescent╠══
yes I am! when I get bothered by something lately, I reflect on my life and realize all over again how freaking amazingly blessed I am and it totally turns my mood around!
hannah loves bel!
shioneh ══╣hannah loves bel!╠══
Ugh! I wrote you a whole looong comment and the lj eated it *very pissed with lj*
*tries again*
I am so happy reading this entry. SO happy for you. I totally relate to being scared of being loving in public in a way because I've always been terrified of kissing Nick around friends because I've been terrified they'll think I'm pushing them away. I know it's not the same as being nervous about kissing in public at all but I think it's going to be a big stretching thing for me to get used to kissing you guys in front of each other and with friends.

*imagines shy you* so cute!

I definitely think I'll deal with the anxiety of people thinking I'm cheating. I know for a fact that anxiety will be there just because I'm so new to polyamory and even though I know it's the furthest thing from cheating and understand it, I've always been in a monogamous relationship and it's going to take time to undo all of that programming.

I'm so so glad that you had this time. I'm so glad you had wonderful kisses and wonderful touching.

Ohhh and I hear you on feeling legitimized. Obviously I haven't been through this YET (HEHEHEEH :-D 14 days!) but I can imagine it will feel that way for me too. And I totally hear you on this not being 'proof' because it doesn't need proof.

It does feel like you're coming into you own. I love you. I love youuuuuuuuu!
ecstatic
belenen ══╣ecstatic╠══
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I love this comment and I love you and EIGHT DAYS!!!!!!!!! omg!!!
cyclops25503 ══╣╠══
Great to hear :) Yeah...I had my first same-sex experience last year - it really is an eye opener, isn't it? Either way, I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the experience :)
effervescent
belenen ══╣effervescent╠══
:D it is!
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
Congratulations! Yeah, I was queer for a little over 15 years before kissing a woman (my current girlfriend), so I can certainly relate to feeling finally "legitimized."
effervescent
belenen ══╣effervescent╠══
wow. I can only imagine! I'm so lucky to have found them so quickly :D
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
oh! so THAT'S what it was. I was wondering!

I was so ready to pounce you, omg.

I have to say, this was so the perfect entry to read. There were also some things I wanted to do, like holding hands in the steakhouse, but I was so (is "afraid" the right word?) ... something that I might melt. it felt so weird to be so distant from you *much prefers the near kissing distance of the outside the coffeeshop area*

You are so excellent. Absolutely
teasing
belenen ══╣teasing╠══
if you ever wonder anything about me, feel free to ask!

yeah, the steakhouse was... an interesting experience! Me wearing the scent of Bastet and you being giddied :D
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I remember my first same-sex kiss and how happy I felt afterwards, and we weren't even in a relationship!

^.^
amused
belenen ══╣amused╠══
awww! :D
Love - M&S
jenniology ══╣Love - M&S╠══
Aww! How wonderful! :) I'd feel the same way - I've only ever been with one person, and he didn't like public displays of affection much (holding hands was okay on occasion, though).

I have the same trouble with spotting people in public. They all blend together to me. People tend to think I'm ignoring them if I don't wave or such in the street, but I actually just don't see them.

I, too, was surprised this was your first kiss with a female-bodied person. :) How sweet, though! YAY!
eccentric
belenen ══╣eccentric╠══
oh, the joys of crowd-blindness. Do you also notice people as individual characteristics rather than a whole?

YAY indeed! :D
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on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.