Belenen (belenen) wrote,
Belenen
belenen

lethargy-frustration finally broke / Aurilion's visit was life-altering / I need self-centering time

The past two days (or day-and-a-half? my sense of time is distorted) I've been in the grip of a lethargy-frustration, seemingly out of nowhere. I finally sent a voicemail to Aurilion about... seven hours ago, asking zir to send me positive energy / prayer because and explaining that I hadn't talked to zir because I had hardly been awake at all. Ze sent me a message back saying that ze had done a healing ritual for me ♥ I had been feeling ultra-sensitive, feeling out of alignment with my heart-kin and very upset about it, and I still felt that way until about an hour ago, when something finally shifted and I felt able to breathe again.

I can't express fully how life-altering this visit was. Not only being with Aurilion, but some spiritual events/shifts that happened while ze was here, and some shifts in my relationship with my partner, and... my relationship to the universe! SO MUCH! I get very edgy with deadlines and as I have further life-altering events in 12 days, I feel a sort of pressure to hurry up and get everything sorted. Yes, I know I don't 'need' to be feeling that, but nonetheless I do. I also feel frustrated because everything seems to be focused on my visit with Hannah, and I cannot focus on that right now. (not that I am not thrilled about it -- I AM -- I just cannot fit everything in my mind at once) This was big enough to last me AT LEAST half a year of growth. I learned SO MUCH. It's like I went on a crash course that condensed a year of college, and in 12 days I am set to go on another crash course of perhaps 3 condensed years. It's this feeling of wanting time to stop so that I can finish living this before I move on. During the lethargy I felt like I would not be able to 'catch up' -- now I feel like I can, and will. Starting the in-depth writing about the visit will help.

2007 was a year of living in dim light, and for the past two months or so I have experienced short bursts of bright light, and then last week I was plunged into full sunlight with no shade for every minute of every day. I wouldn't trade it, and I have no regrets, but I now realize that I had a need for time with myself, time spent in mental/emotional rest. (fortunately we spent a lot of time outside, which also refreshes me) I didn't recognise that need because I was so intoxicated with the joy and light, but now I know it exists even if I don't feel it at the time, and I am going to keep it in mind during future visits.

I'm such a different person than I was 10 short days ago.

no advice, please. I'm still feeling a bit sensitive.
Tags: aurilion, aurilion -- visiting 2008-05 (home), b - ex-partner, growth, hannah, pain
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