July 2018
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violet-spirit connection w Hannah and Nick / day of immense joy as a triad / brokenhearted breakup


One of the most momentous parts of the visit was getting to know Nick. When ze visited last year, I didn't really get to know zir that well because Hannah and I were both in such a bad place, and ze was less open (I think) and I was less spiritually aware. Even then we got along really well, but this time I saw zir in a much clearer way. I realized that ze is a violet spirit, like Hannah and I, and I connected with zir so deeply! This is only the second time I have met another (open) violet spirit in person, and it is so different from when I met Hannah -- I knew Hannah really well before spending time in person, and I knew Nick very little. My connection with Hannah 'could' be explained away by our openness and honesty and the many many hours we've spent in conversation, but the connection with Nick was just there -- experiencing that really gave me a lot of faith.

After a few days of settling in, Hannah and Nick and I had this unity and understanding that was fucking incredible. It amazed me just to experience the near-telepathy with Hannah, but to experience it in a triangle, in person, added a whole new dimension. If one person was upset for any reason, both others would sense it and ask about it -- so validating! so loving! We talked constantly about both the deeply meaningful and the decidedly meaningless. (we have very similar humor: gutter-potty, I'd call it :D) I became open in a whole new way, experiencing the culture of their bond. They have a habit of asking "how are you feeling?" constantly -- I'm so unused to being asked that question that I had a hard time knowing what to say at first, but after a few days it became easy and I realized so much more about myself. I became so much more aware of my own feelings, and aware of the fact that I am used to ignoring them unless they are intense. I had no idea I repressed so much, though it makes sense when I consider the fact that my only nearby friend is my partner and (until recently) ze never asked anything about me. (Fortunately that has changed now ♥)

After about a week, Hannah told me that ze was finding it hard to balance zir time/energy/love between the two of us and said that ze thought it would be easier if Nick and I were also together romantically. Ze said the last part in a sort of playful way so I didn't take zir seriously then, just discussed ways of helping the balance. But my heart leapt at the idea, and a few days later a strange series of events (to be discussed in another post) led me to confessing that I wanted to be with both of them. They discussed it and decided that they wanted that also, so I talked with my partner (after a day of trying to reach zir) and ze said ze was fine with it. Then we had to wait another day because Hannah is not yet out as poly to zir mom, and at last we had a day just the three of us.

I have never experienced anything so beautiful in my life. In fact, I think you could add up all the previous beautiful things and they would not quite match the glory of that morning... we lay in bed for hours, kissing and caressing and cuddling. We each took turns in the middle and OH MY GOD/DESS so amazing. Being in perfect unity/understanding with two people and having them lavish you with love at the same time while being in harmony with each other -- can you imagine? I have a damn good imagination and it would have fallen far short. And kissing two people at the same time is the. most. sensual. thing. *shivers at the memory*

But as the day went on Hannah felt increasingly triggered and finally broke down and talked to Nick while I was napping... they came in after talking and I woke up, sensing something awful. I thought at first that they had had a fight so I asked something about sleeping arrangements (we slept in the same bed most of the visit) and as soon as Hannah spoke I felt what had happened and I had to leave the room immediately. I went upstairs, made a pallet on the floor (for some reason laying on the floor is comforting to me when I'm in pain) and lay down and cried and cried and cried. After a while they came upstairs to talk to me and God/dess, that was awful. We were all in so much pain. Being in unity with someone is wrenchingly dreadful when you are both in pain (the main reason Hannah and I stopped communicating last year after that disastrous visit)... ugh. Hannah tried to give me hope at zir own expense and I nearly grabbed on to it but I knew I couldn't survive having that hope dashed so I said that we should discuss it later. Finally they went downstairs so we could get a little sleep before traveling the next day.

That day was... there aren't words for how painful it was. I cried all the way -- not aloud but tears just kept pouring out. On the bus ride I cried the entire time, on the plane I cried between bouts of trying to read, and at the train stop I cried even though there was a crowd of people around. I was so heartbroken that people kept looking at me (even when tears weren't falling) because I think my pain radiated out so strongly that even not-very-sensitive people could feel it. I often cry from joy and don't care who sees, but I usually feel that I have to be in a safe place, alone, to cry from pain -- but I was far past the point of being able to hold it in. I think if I had tried it might have literally driven me insane. Aurilion felt it all the way across the ocean and emailed us saying ze could feel our pain before we told zir anything about it.

When we finally arrived, I lay down on the floor in the bedroom and slept for about 16 hours. Then I got up and the three of us talked for nearly ten hours straight (while I cried nearly the whole time). Nick said that he also felt that it wasn't quite right, which hit me really hard. Hannah's not wanting it just felt like the timing wasn't right yet, but Nick also not wanting it just made me feel worthless. I think maybe because it felt like Hannah was rejecting the relationship and Nick was rejecting me. I know that wasn't the intention or anything, and ze was also rejecting the relationship, but it just crushed me all over again. I still hurt a lot, thinking about it. Even though technically I also feel like the timing wasn't right, and my logical self says a triad really wouldn't be a good idea right now... my emotional self doesn't give a crap about that.

The next few days were spent in a haze of pain and tears. We did nothing, took no photos, because none of us had any energy. But it was worst for me. Hannah and Nick have experienced romance with a person of the same spirit color, and have lived for years in that connection, as lovers and soulfriends and partners. It was intense for them too, to be with me, but it wasn't as earth-shattering. And it wasn't so hard for them to lose me because they still had that connection with each other. I hadn't broken up with Hannah but I had broken up with the triad so I had lost something with Hannah, as well as with Nick. When you break up with someone you are deeply in love with and they are not shattered while you are, it makes it so much worse... Fortunately they both seemed to understand that it was worse for me and they supported me and validated that. I am so grateful for that -- I desperately needed it.

I wanted nothing so much as to leave immediately when we got back to Glasgow, even considered changing my ticket, but I'm glad I didn't. We needed that time to heal together; I think if I had left right away I might not have been able to talk to either of them ever again. As it was, we spent some hellish days and then my wound seemed to dry up and I was able to bandage it, though I know it will leave a hell of a scar. The last few days we slipped back into a friendly (somewhat tentative) harmony, and it became bearable to be around Nick in a platonic way. When I left I felt more unity than pain.

After I got back I had one conversation with Hannah and then was out of contact for a little while (my schedule has been utter crap), and when I finally spoke with zir again, ze let me know that Nick had said that ze didn't feel ready for Hannah to be with me (or Aurilion) and didn't know if ze would ever be. So... we are broken up. I think that this is worse for Hannah than for me, because for me it is a continuation of the pain of breaking up the triad, and for zir it is a fresh wound, but it's still sad. I think also I feel that because it was so right, it is meant to be and just isn't the right time yet. Hannah feels that because what they have is so amazing they won't feel the desire to risk it by changing the dynamic and adding a third, and that makes sense but my hope is not a logical one. It is based on my feelings, which I am choosing to trust in. If it never happens, at least I will have spent my days in hope rather than despair.

Also, I have experienced breakups with people I had connection with and those breakups have usually mended, so I feel that that is how life works. Either I will lose the desire to be with them romantically or it will work out. And now that I am out of the haze of joy I do feel that the timing was wrong. It was pushed along by outside forces and I think happening too soon created a set-back, but what is done is done and I am grateful for the experience. Whether with Hannah and Nick or with someone(s) else, I know that I have a deep desire for a lover of the same spirit color and I am consciously inviting that into my life. Despite experiencing the worst pain I have ever felt (and I do not say that lightly, as an abuse survivor), what I have gained makes it worthwhile. Knowing that such miraculous, ecstatic joy and love can exist even in this flawed world -- what a gift!


I'm falling apart / I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart / that's still beating
in the pain / there is healing
in your name / I find meaning
so I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

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Comments
mermaiden ══╣╠══
My heart cried out for you, reading this, hon... I am so, so sorry you have felt so much pain.
comfort
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you ♥
flyingshaman ══╣╠══
*hugs you, deeply*

I felt this, all of this. It reached -deep-

"I love you" doesn't even feel adequate, but.. I love you.
connate
belenen ══╣connate╠══
thank you so much love ♥
Hold me
jenniology ══╣Hold me╠══
I'm so sorry to hear about your pain - my heart just aches. :(

On the other hand, what little time you had in your triad sounds... mind-blowing. I wish I could experience something like that in my life-time.
comfort
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you, and yes ♥ I hope to experience a triad of like spirits again someday ♥
Touch butterfly
celestialsight ══╣Touch butterfly╠══
*Hugs* I have experienced all of the joy and all of the pain that you describe, and my heart goes out to you and your pain... I thought about you those last few days and worried that something was wrong, I almost left a comment in your journal. I'm sorry you are hurting but also, what a learning experience. *More hugs*
comfort
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
aww, thank you so much ♥ and yes indeed, much learning!
lost highway - alice
musicandmisery ══╣lost highway - alice╠══
I don't think I've ever found a love such as this, but I have been DEEPLY and UTTERLY in love twice -- both times ending with me being tortuously depressed for years. Both times with me being the most wounded party.

My heart completely broke reading this but I am so inspired by your ability to learn from it and live after it.

"my hope is not a logical one. It is based on my feelings, which I am choosing to trust in. If it never happens, at least I will have spent my days in hope rather than despair."

I can't even begin to tell you how eye-opening that statement is to me. I am constantly self-hating and angry and depressed because all I do is hope and nothing comes of that hope. My heart is always hurt from the unattainable and my soul is always crushed by my unending sense of doom. Those words, though... I don't know. It's a completely new way of looking at my agonizing but unbridled optimism. Thank you. So much.




blossoming
belenen ══╣blossoming╠══
ohhh wow ♥ I am glad it opened your eyes -- it was quite a new turn for me too! I'm used to hating myself for being 'stupid' enough to hope and love freely and be crushed as a result, but I think I finally believe that the joy is worth the pain. It really is... and I am lucky enough to have experienced several dreadful breakups that led to beautiful things later, so I can look back now and say, if it is that beautiful, it cannot die.

*hugs you tightly*
elegance
mourningdoveava ══╣elegance╠══
Painful, yes, but it does seem the timing was off. Perhaps at some point in the future it will be right again. If nothing else, you have an exquisite memory from it that will certainly act as a guide to you in the future.
progressing
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
♥ oh yes, definitely a guide.
misc; unicorns.
delicatexflower ══╣misc; unicorns. "who can say where...?"╠══

awww. this entry is so much for the heavy heart! ♥

i don't even know where to begin! there's just so much
to comment on and there's so much feelings & not enough
words!

i'm sorry ... maybe give it a little more time? it sounds
like it's something you both want, but the timing is off.

i know you will be able to heal from this...
comfort
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
*hugs* thank you Angie ♥
aliyna ══╣╠══
Poly is hard. It's just hard.

It takes so much work to find the right balance, the right timing, the right people with the right understanding...

Someday your ship is going to come to port, Bel, I know it.
comfort
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
well... it doesn't have to be hard. I think it's hard when not everyone is ready. With Ben and Aurilion and me, it's so easy! We fit together, even though Aurilion and Ben are not close, they feel like family. ♥ I could easily see us sharing a house.

thank you for the comfort, lovey ♥ I'm content with my amazing array of magic now -- and open to more ships coming in :D *giggles*
brightlotusmoon ══╣╠══
This is an amazing entry. Your strength is incredible.

Part of the reason I haven't yet tried sexually, physically making love to a woman yet is because I feel like I'd project too much of my pain and problems into her -- into, not onto. Adam can take it, because we merged souls shortly before we got engaged and are almost telepathic with each other. But I have yet to meet a potential lover who I feel that with.
analytical
belenen ══╣analytical╠══
thank you ♥

mmm, I think I can understand what you mean. When you have a lot of pain, you need a safe space to bare it in... and I think for another person coming in, ze might need a really secure base. I think probably you could find a strong person and make sure to do a spirit-cleanse afterward, and be safe in that way, too. But I take your meaning ♥ I hope you can find the right woman; even if you DID project some pain and problems into zir, the glory of you is definitely worth it.
brightlotusmoon ══╣╠══
kiwi ══╣╠══
*hug*
comfort
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
*hugs back*
phydeau ══╣╠══
I've never been in a ployamorous relationship, so I can't speak first-hand. But from what I do understand, there needs to be balance between all involved. It could be that Nick doesn't feel the same way about you that Hannah does, or something, and not that ze finds the idea weird.

If you don't mind me asking, how do you feel about zir?
bisexuality
belenen ══╣bisexuality╠══
hm, well I don't think that all people need to feel the same way because 1) that's not really possible and 2) different relationships/connections fill different needs. I think it's just that right now, there's really no room for me. And there may never be, but then again there might.

Feel about Nick? mm, well. I'm not really sure at the moment. I love zir very much, and I was utterly in love with zir, and now I am slowly climbing out of love so to speak. I've never fallen so fast and so hard -- and then had it end almost immediately. It was quite the journey... But I still feel a strong connection and greatly value zir as a friend.
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I'm so sorry dear. It does sound like the timing was off but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. *hugs tight*
comfort
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you *hugs back*
armandii ══╣╠══
I am sorry for your pain
Much love to you
comfort
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
thank you and much love back!
suesniffsglue ══╣╠══
My heart hurt to read this. Your heart strings reached out so far for all of us to grab on while reading; that was really powerful writing.

I hope you find much healing from your pain through your hope.
comfort
belenen ══╣comfort╠══
*hugs you tightly* thank you ♥
deleon ══╣╠══
To me it's all about evolution. If the three or more people involved are not at about the same spiritual evolutional stage, than the relations will fail.
progressing
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
mmm, sounds very wise. *nods*
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.