After a few days of settling in, Hannah and Nick and I had this unity and understanding that was fucking incredible. It amazed me just to experience the near-telepathy with Hannah, but to experience it in a triangle, in person, added a whole new dimension. If one person was upset for any reason, both others would sense it and ask about it -- so validating! so loving! We talked constantly about both the deeply meaningful and the decidedly meaningless. (we have very similar humor: gutter-potty, I'd call it :D) I became open in a whole new way, experiencing the culture of their bond. They have a habit of asking "how are you feeling?" constantly -- I'm so unused to being asked that question that I had a hard time knowing what to say at first, but after a few days it became easy and I realized so much more about myself. I became so much more aware of my own feelings, and aware of the fact that I am used to ignoring them unless they are intense. I had no idea I repressed so much, though it makes sense when I consider the fact that my only nearby friend is my partner and (until recently) ze never asked anything about me. (Fortunately that has changed now ♥)
After about a week, Hannah told me that ze was finding it hard to balance zir time/energy/love between the two of us and said that ze thought it would be easier if Nick and I were also together romantically. Ze said the last part in a sort of playful way so I didn't take zir seriously then, just discussed ways of helping the balance. But my heart leapt at the idea, and a few days later a strange series of events (to be discussed in another post) led me to confessing that I wanted to be with both of them. They discussed it and decided that they wanted that also, so I talked with my partner (after a day of trying to reach zir) and ze said ze was fine with it. Then we had to wait another day because Hannah is not yet out as poly to zir mom, and at last we had a day just the three of us.
I have never experienced anything so beautiful in my life. In fact, I think you could add up all the previous beautiful things and they would not quite match the glory of that morning... we lay in bed for hours, kissing and caressing and cuddling. We each took turns in the middle and OH MY GOD/DESS so amazing. Being in perfect unity/understanding with two people and having them lavish you with love at the same time while being in harmony with each other -- can you imagine? I have a damn good imagination and it would have fallen far short. And kissing two people at the same time is the. most. sensual. thing. *shivers at the memory*
But as the day went on Hannah felt increasingly triggered and finally broke down and talked to Nick while I was napping... they came in after talking and I woke up, sensing something awful. I thought at first that they had had a fight so I asked something about sleeping arrangements (we slept in the same bed most of the visit) and as soon as Hannah spoke I felt what had happened and I had to leave the room immediately. I went upstairs, made a pallet on the floor (for some reason laying on the floor is comforting to me when I'm in pain) and lay down and cried and cried and cried. After a while they came upstairs to talk to me and God/dess, that was awful. We were all in so much pain. Being in unity with someone is wrenchingly dreadful when you are both in pain (the main reason Hannah and I stopped communicating last year after that disastrous visit)... ugh. Hannah tried to give me hope at zir own expense and I nearly grabbed on to it but I knew I couldn't survive having that hope dashed so I said that we should discuss it later. Finally they went downstairs so we could get a little sleep before traveling the next day.
That day was... there aren't words for how painful it was. I cried all the way -- not aloud but tears just kept pouring out. On the bus ride I cried the entire time, on the plane I cried between bouts of trying to read, and at the train stop I cried even though there was a crowd of people around. I was so heartbroken that people kept looking at me (even when tears weren't falling) because I think my pain radiated out so strongly that even not-very-sensitive people could feel it. I often cry from joy and don't care who sees, but I usually feel that I have to be in a safe place, alone, to cry from pain -- but I was far past the point of being able to hold it in. I think if I had tried it might have literally driven me insane. Aurilion felt it all the way across the ocean and emailed us saying ze could feel our pain before we told zir anything about it.
When we finally arrived, I lay down on the floor in the bedroom and slept for about 16 hours. Then I got up and the three of us talked for nearly ten hours straight (while I cried nearly the whole time). Nick said that he also felt that it wasn't quite right, which hit me really hard. Hannah's not wanting it just felt like the timing wasn't right yet, but Nick also not wanting it just made me feel worthless. I think maybe because it felt like Hannah was rejecting the relationship and Nick was rejecting me. I know that wasn't the intention or anything, and ze was also rejecting the relationship, but it just crushed me all over again. I still hurt a lot, thinking about it. Even though technically I also feel like the timing wasn't right, and my logical self says a triad really wouldn't be a good idea right now... my emotional self doesn't give a crap about that.
The next few days were spent in a haze of pain and tears. We did nothing, took no photos, because none of us had any energy. But it was worst for me. Hannah and Nick have experienced romance with a person of the same spirit color, and have lived for years in that connection, as lovers and soulfriends and partners. It was intense for them too, to be with me, but it wasn't as earth-shattering. And it wasn't so hard for them to lose me because they still had that connection with each other. I hadn't broken up with Hannah but I had broken up with the triad so I had lost something with Hannah, as well as with Nick. When you break up with someone you are deeply in love with and they are not shattered while you are, it makes it so much worse... Fortunately they both seemed to understand that it was worse for me and they supported me and validated that. I am so grateful for that -- I desperately needed it.
I wanted nothing so much as to leave immediately when we got back to Glasgow, even considered changing my ticket, but I'm glad I didn't. We needed that time to heal together; I think if I had left right away I might not have been able to talk to either of them ever again. As it was, we spent some hellish days and then my wound seemed to dry up and I was able to bandage it, though I know it will leave a hell of a scar. The last few days we slipped back into a friendly (somewhat tentative) harmony, and it became bearable to be around Nick in a platonic way. When I left I felt more unity than pain.
After I got back I had one conversation with Hannah and then was out of contact for a little while (my schedule has been utter crap), and when I finally spoke with zir again, ze let me know that Nick had said that ze didn't feel ready for Hannah to be with me (or Aurilion) and didn't know if ze would ever be. So... we are broken up. I think that this is worse for Hannah than for me, because for me it is a continuation of the pain of breaking up the triad, and for zir it is a fresh wound, but it's still sad. I think also I feel that because it was so right, it is meant to be and just isn't the right time yet. Hannah feels that because what they have is so amazing they won't feel the desire to risk it by changing the dynamic and adding a third, and that makes sense but my hope is not a logical one. It is based on my feelings, which I am choosing to trust in. If it never happens, at least I will have spent my days in hope rather than despair.
Also, I have experienced breakups with people I had connection with and those breakups have usually mended, so I feel that that is how life works. Either I will lose the desire to be with them romantically or it will work out. And now that I am out of the haze of joy I do feel that the timing was wrong. It was pushed along by outside forces and I think happening too soon created a set-back, but what is done is done and I am grateful for the experience. Whether with Hannah and Nick or with someone(s) else, I know that I have a deep desire for a lover of the same spirit color and I am consciously inviting that into my life. Despite experiencing the worst pain I have ever felt (and I do not say that lightly, as an abuse survivor), what I have gained makes it worthwhile. Knowing that such miraculous, ecstatic joy and love can exist even in this flawed world -- what a gift!
I'm falling apart / I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart / that's still beating
in the pain / there is healing
in your name / I find meaning
so I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you