April 2018
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disconnected from Hannah; friendship on hiatus

Aurilion's visit was AMAZING and I can't wait to share photos & thoughts on it, but something unrelated has happened which is... very strange and unexpected, and I want to try and write about it.

Lately (since a little before we broke up) I've been feeling a disconnectedness from Hannah. Usually this is very painful and upsetting for me, but this time it felt different. It felt natural. I didn't know what caused it or what to do about it, so I tried to wait it out. But Hannah and I ended up exchanging some emails over something else and I felt that I needed to express it, so I did. I said that I was feeling disconnected and okay with it; that I was feeling a lack of desire to be close. I have never felt this before with Hannah; even in the darkest times I still had a strong desire to be close. I want to stay friends and do believe that the desire for closeness will return. I ventured a guess that the reason I didn't feel that desire was because right now, closeness would not be a growth experience for me; I would not learn from it. That is the only thing I can think of that would be a reason for this -- a sense that a fallow period is needed before we can grow together again.

I imagine this is horribly painful for Hannah to know, as I would be in a lot of pain if the situation were reversed... I wish I could do something about that. Ze told me that because of this, ze doesn't feel safe having me on zir friends list, and when filtering me out for the past few days ze had felt a new freedom. So I suggested a month-long disconnect, with the intention of re-friending afterward (in the hope that after the initial pain, ze might feel safer). I don't feel that the desire will grow without any contact to nourish it, but I hope that after a month when we re-friend, that desire will grow again.

I know this may seem callous of me or like I've just become unloving or something, but I am quite confused and disoriented by this change in my feelings. I've never experienced this without experiencing some kind of grievous wrong. And then, it is usually not simply a lack of desire for closeness, but an active desire for cutting contact. I definitely do not feel that.

I never in a million years would have foreseen this.

connecting: ,

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eye two
diepunyhuman ══╣eye two╠══

Maybe somehow the feeling was mutual, making it not feel so grave? that's my best guess anyway.

*hugs you warmly* I could think of a number of worse ways this could've turned out. After what I thought was a mutual enough breakup, my ex-girlfriend wrote this horrible story about me, portraying me as a monster basically.
belenen ══╣ewwwww╠══
*hugs back*

omg, ugh! Yeah, this was a very civil breakup. We're both respectful people, fortunately. I've had friendships break up with disrespectful people and it turned out rotten, kinda like with that ex of yours! It's hard to tell if a person's respect is the real, human-to-human kind or if it is the only-respect-you-if-you-benefit-me kind until you have a blowup.
manifestress ══╣╠══
Although I don't know you well, and don't know the other party, I just hold you both in the Highest...
belenen ══╣giving╠══
thank you ♥
mourningdoveava ══╣elegance╠══
I can't say that I'm terribly shocked to hear the news - perhaps my perspective is different - but am continuing to wish you guidance in this matter. All the best to both of you, and much healing. Nankurunaisa.
belenen ══╣confused╠══
so, are you saying you expected my shift to a lack of desire for closeness, or expected a disconnection? perhaps that's because you haven't known me throughout this relationship... Hannah and I have been through horrible things and always managed to stay LJ friends. I think that had you seen all of that, you might be shocked by this turn.
mourningdoveava ══╣╠══
Perhaps both? I didn't mean it in terms of a linear "I saw this coming ten miles away." But rather that my heart and my instincts don't feel surprised by it. I'm not certain why that is.
mourningdoveava ══╣╠══
More specifically put, perhaps it's that what I sense from your life and your entries right now is a great deal of change energy and shifting. In the face of that, life events that might seem shocking or unexpected don't seem so, as much. I suppose in a period of rapid growth, those events seem more....fitting, or natural than shocking.
belenen ══╣giggling╠══
ah, I see. Yeah, I'd say that's true! and even more changes are shaping up... *shakes head* I'm just laughin'!
jumpinglegacy ══╣╠══
I have to agree with the above poster... I love you both!
belenen ══╣amused╠══
moxafoot ══╣╠══
Although I don't know you very well either, I would like to say that your thoughts and feelings seem very well considered in this matter. You sound as if you're being true to yourself and authentic in your feelings. Certainly there can be nothing 'wrong' with that - I don't think feelings are 'right' or 'wrong' in any event. But the fact that you've given this disconnect measured consideration regarding your highest good and then you apparently are not doing anything with hurtful intent. So....yes....I'm long winded tonight....I see you taking care of yourself and detaching in a loving way. If you set your intention that all will happen with everyone's highest spiritual good in mind, all will be as it should be.
belenen ══╣veneration╠══
thank you very much for this ♥ it was very encouraging to read!
frecklestars ══╣╠══
You know, I could understand this sort of feeling. Sometimes it just takes some time (and yes, I know this sounds totally cliched and what-have-you, but I can't seem to phrase it any other way). I think you will be ok, and that the month will do the relationship good.
belenen ══╣progressing╠══
I think it will do good too ♥
queerbychoice ══╣╠══
It seems to me that all your reactions described here are totally healthy ones. I'm a little more concerned about Hannah's reactions, because I don't fully understand why she wouldn't feel safe having you on her friends list, nor why she and her partner would have gotten so involved with you as they did without realizing that they would end up cutting it off so abruptly almost as soon as it began. But I suppose there might be good explanations for it, just not ones that I'm able to understand. I hope it all works out for the best.
belenen ══╣garrulous╠══
yeah, I think there is a lot that only ze could explain, as it is zir story... I can kinda understand but it's a visceral thing.

thanks for the well-wishes ♥
*  Mermaid - Red
mermaiden ══╣* Mermaid - Red╠══
I definitely do not believe it's because you've become unloving - relationships, like the tides, sometimes flow and ebb... this is just an ebbing time, but I do believe that things will work out for the best. *much love*
belenen ══╣loving╠══
thank you ♥ *much love back!*
willowing ══╣╠══
sounds to me that a close relationship with hannah right now does not meet your needs while in other times in your life it did. i admire both your authenticity and the ability to talk to each other about that. x
belenen ══╣exuviate╠══
thank you ♥
sidheblessed ══╣╠══
I'm not entirely sure what to say other than this makes me sad because you and Hannah always got through everything. But then, thinking of the fact you've always gotten through it makes me think you'll get through this too.


belenen ══╣gentle╠══
*nods* I feel ya ♥ thank you for the faith!
misc;  sad.
delicatexflower ══╣misc; sad. "girl holding mask"╠══

the fact you and hannah always got through the darkest times makes me believe things will be okay. i don't know why, but i just feel it inside of my heart ... i hope with your time apart, both of you can grow and learn from this painful experience.
belenen ══╣loving╠══
*hugs you* thank you for expressing that ♥ it will work for the best, I believe.
painted_dreams ══╣bird╠══
I have always felt that if two people were meant to be in one another's lives they can weather any storm. You and Hannah have what I feel is a friendship that is meant to be. My very best friend and I have gone many months without talking to one another because we needed that space. In the end we always come back together stronger and closer then ever. Sometimes space for oneself can be very good. It is hard to have that sometimes when you are so close to another person that they know you so well.


The universe is telling me that you two lovely ladies will make it through this and be stronger then ever when you are ready for it.
belenen ══╣giving╠══
*hugs* thank you for this, it's very encouraging to think on.
on communication, social justice, intimacy, consent, friendship & other relationships, spirituality, gender, queerness, & dreams. Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.
Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.