Belenen (belenen) wrote,

letter to my bioparent M -- why I don't want to be in contact with you

My bioparent Pat seems to be finally breaking it off with M, zir abusive spouse, so I finally feel free to be plain in my feelings about M. I've been polite for a long time because I feared that if I angered M, ze would take it out on Pat and my lil sis. Now that it seems they might finally find safety, I've written up a letter. I think that this will have more impact than spoken words, considering that I have never (to my memory) written M a letter. I typed it first and then wrote it out in ink, and I intend to give the handwritten pages to M next time I see zir. (which may be soon, since apparently ze is planning on coming to GA in the next few days)

[M] ((bioparent)),

For many years I have not wanted to be around you, and it seems you don't understand why. It is not because of the way you have treated me in the past. It is not because of the way you have treated [lil sis] or [Pat] ((bioparent)) or [S] ((biosibling)). It is not because of mistakes made, not because of inherent dislike, not because of fear or hate or resentment.

The reason is simple; you do not respect anyone, and because of this you harm everyone around you. This is not a thing of the past; it is a vital part of your present. You make threats, you strike out verbally and physically, you demean and manipulate and control. This is not something unchangeable due to personality traits, being male, or being strong -- it is a very important lesson which you have not yet learned.

You cannot respect anyone because you do not respect yourself. You do not see worth in yourself because you believe lies taught to you -- the lie that you cannot learn, that you will not succeed, that no one will ever love you. You have been surrounded by loving people for many years, but you do not let any of their love in and so it does you no good -- you have to choose to believe in it in order to be able to feel it. You cannot trust anyone to treat you kindly out of love, so you force them to obey out of fear. You excuse away any gift given to you, saying that you have earned it or that it was given out of obligation and not truly a gift showing love.

This is a horrible cycle and I know you suffer deeply, because I have been in that place; I no longer suffer because I have sought and found help. This is not a cycle that can be broken by one person alone. If you want to be happy, if you want to learn how to truly give and receive love, if you want to keep from harming everyone around you, if you want people to actually enjoy your presence, you will have to choose to break down the walls and deal with all the pain and brokenness inside you. You will need a person to guide you, someone whom you are utterly honest and vulnerable with who will help you to clean out all of those wounds and finally get healing -- yes, a counselor. You were not meant to be controlling and depressed and angry and mean. Sometimes I can see the true you and that person is wonderful -- but you do not live in that state and it will take a lot of hard work, pain, and humility to get there.

I am very careful in choosing whom to associate with, because I believe that the people you have relationships with affect you. (the one who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools shall be destroyed) I surround myself with people whom I want to be like: people who seek to grow and learn, always becoming more honest, open, compassionate, full of faith, and aware. I avoid people who do not respect themselves or others, and people who do not actively seek to grow. I do not care about blood or DNA or laws; my family is made of the people who walk the same path I do.

If at any point you become ready to learn how to respect and love yourself and others, and actively seek to learn those things, I will be happy to be in contact with you (after you reach the point where you no longer are abusive -- not calling people nasty names or making threats or using violence against others). This is the way I treat everyone; I am not mistreating you by requiring this. This is simply how I live my life.

I do not hold grudges against you for the past. I know you have done a lot of harmful things, but I have forgiven you. Forgiveness does not bring trust or closeness; it simply means that I give up my right to be paid back. I end the debt, which leaves us on neutral terms. To have a relationship with me you have to be walking the same path. I do not know if you will ever walk the same path in this life, but I am not anxious about it because I believe that after death I will get to know the true you and that is good enough for me.

I wish you love and joy and peace and growth.

-the one you know as [K], though that is not my name-
Tags: biofamily, pat

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