Belenen (belenen) wrote,

hard times & relationship shifts with my partner

It seems like every time I get into a good flow here, something dreadful happens and my energy flatlines. Four weeks ago Aurilion went through a really hard time and it hurt like hell that I couldn't really be there or help -- I felt trapped by distance and deeply worried for nearly a week (not near as bad as what ze went through, but still hard for me). When the intensity of that finally lifted, my partner had a week of vacation which started with an argument of sorts that led to a three-day depression because it was so draining. Then we had three good days which ended with the biggest crisis of our 6.5 years together.

I don't feel free yet to explain in depth, but the heart of it is that ze lied by omission for a good while. I was so deeply, utterly shocked because we don't lie to each other. It's all tangled up because it was a passive deception, so ze didn't see it as a lie (before ze talked to me about it), but it really tore down a lot of trust. I hadn't posted about the change in our relationship but my partner and I have finally been connecting on this incredibly deep level and we built a lot in the past few months; I didn't even realize how much progress we made until this happened and it didn't shatter us (which it would have, five months ago). The weird thing is, it needed to happen. When my partner told me, it broke this barrier which kept zir from being open with me -- because it was such a huge thing, it smashed a wall which would have taken a long time to tear down with smaller, less-risky bits of openness. And I would never have found out, so ze could have "gotten away with it" but for the sake of openness ze was willing to risk everything, and that means a lot too.

I've forgiven zir and hold no resentment; I just feel a deep impatience for trust to be rebuilt. I do, however, resent zir job for giving zir four weeks of the shittiest schedules -- by the time ze has unwound from the day it is time for zir to go to sleep, AGH. It's been about 13 days since my partner told me, and the little time we do have is spent in emotional "surgery" and we need some time to rest in each other's presence and heal.

It took so long to post on this because my partner feels really bad about it and so I had to wait until we had talked it out completely and zir security in our relationship was strengthened some.

comments screened

It's kinda insane that so little time has passed and we have made such progress on this... I don't even feel hurt anymore. I guess if you instantly clean, sew up, and bandage the wound it heals a lot faster than if you just leave it (or pour dirt in it, which is the way my parents handle/d wounding each other). It's still tender to the touch, but not aching... And forgiveness makes a really good healing balm.
Tags: b - ex-partner, pain, turning points

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.