Last night I discovered something about the time when Ashley and Aurilion (who then went by 'Lily') were together, something that hurt me and made me feel really betrayed. After spending a little while in shock, I told zir how it made me feel. At first ze responded in a way that I didn't find helpful at all, but we talked about that too, and after a looooong conversation we worked it out. That was the first time we'd ever had a discussion about something Aurilion had done that deeply hurt me, and it just... went so well! Ze was expecting me to kick zir out and tell zir to go home when I first brought it up, but there's no way that would happen. As long as someone is sorry for hurting me, and willing to admit they were wrong, and willing to make change to prevent that from happening again, there is nothing that cannot be overcome. I think I was expecting zir to just deny all fault/responsibility and essentially tell me that I would just have to live with it (because I have experienced that in the past, especially when the other person would rather walk over hot coals than hurt me), but ze didn't, ze was just very sorry, feeling my pain and empathizing with me. It was really amazing because that is the first time I've had that kind of discussion with zir, and it felt so cleansing and strengthening. I really feel that when you approach it in the most respectful and open way, a hurtful thing can be turned into the most beautiful nourishing thing. Like a one-broken bone becomes stronger in that place after it heals.
We've just been breaking down so many old patterns! One thing that has just blown me away is the way ze has opened up after uncovering a block on initiating touch. Ze has such a beautifully giving spirit, and since I am such a physical touch person, receiving zir touch is the most glooooooooooorious thing! It feels like every time ze touches me, caressing my back or kissing my shoulder, a little bit of me unfolds more. Our growth reflects in each other... ever increasing, ever shining more.
We went to visit my parent Pat for a couple of days (and we're going back over there today) and THAT was amazing too. Somehow being there was this catalyst for so much, including the initiating-touch thing, and that is a happening I will never forget. I had the most amazing dreams!
In one, I was on a ship in the far reaches of some ocean, and Sarah (
mermaiden) was there, with some other people but they were just in the background. Apparently in this part of the ocean one could hear one's trueself, by using special equipment. I had put on these outside-sound-blocking headphones to listen to my trueself, and the very first thing I heard was myself singing and I immediately started crying my eyes out, because my trueself sings but my current self does not, is afraid to. Sarah came over to me and encouraged me to switch to earbuds, so that I could hear my trueself while still interacting with others and, essentially, listening to my current self as well. Finding balance. The dream ended with me fiddling with the earbuds, putting them in and taking them out. ((later that day after I woke... I actually looked into Aurilion's eyes and sang. I can't even begin to describe what a huge, intense, life-altering thing that is. I never would have thought that I would be even okay doing that. But though I was terrified, I was okay.))In the other, I dreamed of being outside Pat's house with Pat, M (bioparent), & S (biosibling). There was a giant spider that could fly -- the body of the spider was the size of a crow, and the legs were also wings. It was TERRIFYING. It told us somehow that it would only take one person and we could choose who, so we drew straws, and I lost. Pat & S & M were like, "oh well, see ya" and walked off, which infuriated me because I could have just chosen to run and then it would have just taken whoever was nearest, so I was essentially sacrificing myself. But I stayed, and the spider-thing flew down and put one of its claws around my neck (it had pincers like a crab) and just when I thought it was going to snap off my head it said "What is love?" and I was overwhelmed with awe. It then told me some things about love, which of course I cannot remember, and the dream ended. The main thing I took away from that dream was that on the other side of the most overwhelming fear is the most incredible understanding.
