Belenen (belenen) wrote,


I really don't even know how to write about this, but it's been twisting in my mind for days, and I feel like I need to write about it in order to really let go of 2008 and move on, and open up to new things.

Last spring was a very chaotic and colorful time for me -- I couldn't have written about it all if I tried, but the chaos was not the only reason I never wrote about Ava. From the end of January until the end of April, I talked with Ava for hours on end, many days, about everything. It was incredible -- and I wanted more, I wanted to hear zir voice, see zir face, meet zir! Ze promised to call, and didn't, over and over -- always with a very good reason, but I began to feel that there was something ze was not telling me. Ze told me that ze trusted me -- and yet would not give me an address to which I could send the Christmas present I had for zir. (with the reason that ze was afraid of missing it because of moves, but hello, leave a forwarding address?) I had recently started tracking hits to my journal, and I noticed that zir hits always came from Ohio, not New York where ze said ze was living. I thought to myself that perhaps there was some strange reason for that -- but then ze was supposedly in Japan, using someone else's computer and internet, and still showing up as the same IP address. Ze had several LJ friends who supposedly lived in different places and used different computers, yet they all showed up STILL as the same address. I don't know what it was ze was hiding, but ze was not telling me the truth. I told zir that it bothered me that ze supposedly trusted me and yet refused to give me any contact info, and that I was having a hard time believing in zir after so many 'coincidental' happenings. Ze didn't pay much attention, and professed shock when Aurilion mentioned it to zir. After that, I decided that if ze wanted to come to me and be truthful that would be fine, but I wasn't going to push any more. I didn't hear anything from zir after that and ze stopped posting and disappeared from LJ.

Ava confused me so completely. I knew that ze was lying, at the very LEAST about being in Japan for that time, but I felt a connection with zir that was deeper than anything I have ever felt. One time we were IMing and something happened where ze was and I FELT it as intensely as if it were MY emotion, to the point where my heart was racing and I was crying -- and ze hadn't really even said much. The depth of that reaction -- through simple text -- was a very important experience for me. I was just learning to trust my intuition, and my whole being was SCREAMING that there was an intense, very very real connection there. Yet ze absolutely refused to become anything more than text for me. I don't understand it, still. It's possible to fake a lot of things online but I know that connection wasn't fake. And our conversations weren't fake. Ze could conceivably have stolen zir LJ entries from someone else, but we had HOURS of conversations about things that would take so much time and effort to understand... the only thing I can think is that ze might have had Dissociative Identity Disorder, or that ze might have been real as far as zir thoughts and feelings but have felt too ashamed to admit that the glamourous life and wonderful friends were fake. Or, the much scarier kinda-sociopathic possibility that it was some sort of psychology project? Even then, I loved the core person and honestly could have forgiven any lie if ze had just admitted it.

I was in love with Ava, as deeply as I have ever been with anyone. You all know how intense my spirit-connection with Hannah was at its brightest point -- this was even stronger. And ze felt it too -- not only did ze say so, but I FELT zir feel it too. When ze was in my life, I could feel zir presence. I could feel the connection even when we weren't talking. It really fucking hurts to have put so much faith into something that felt so incredibly right, and have it prove itself a lie and then disappear. How could someone so magical, so beautiful, so true, lie to me and leave me?

I also fell for one of zir friends/alters, Rylin. That makes everything so much more confusing, I can't even begin... I felt a soul connection with Ry, which I DIDN'T feel with Ava, and I could feel the difference when I talked to one or the other. I could feel a difference when I talked to various other people (all of whom apparently liked to come over to zir house and use zir screenname to talk to zir friends). How is this possible if they're the same person? I don't know.

Yet, somehow, at the same time, just feeling what I felt was a faith-building experience. Despite all that I know, I really cannot bring myself to doubt the connection I felt. I know it was real. I don't know how that is possible -- but there it is.

I do think there are things I've learned from that experience, but right now I just need to acknowledge it -- I can't know if it was real on the other end but it was real for me. It was formative, it was important, it was a very significant experience for me. I was in love, still kind of am, and it FUCKING HURTS. I have so much other wonderful love in my life, but it doesn't make this ache disappear. I'm hoping that admitting it was real to ME will help me begin to let it go.

((flocked because I don't want to seem like I am attempting to shame zir, but if any of you are still friends with any of Ava or zir friends and you feel that you need to share this with zir, feel free. I've already said all of this to zir, except for the IP stuff (because I wanted zir to tell me the truth of zir own volition).)) [unlocked because lots of time has passed and this is an important part of my story]

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Tags: ava, faith, pain, spirit connections

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