Belenen (belenen) wrote,

realizing that my faith is desperately low and I feel lost and dead.

I've been feeling rather lost and low on faith. I feel awash with uncertainty about so many things, which is really bothering me because it's the first time in a long time that I've felt this way. Several things are contributing to it, I think... I ordered a flower essence (which is something I've never tried before) and the very first time I tried it I felt a very slight shift, and since then, nothing. I can't feel it at all, not when taking it in water or directly in my mouth or on my skin. I feel like if there is something there I should be able to feel it, but I can't. I want to feel the energy in stones, but I can't. And I made myself a new affirmation but when I say it I can't put myself in that place of gratitude, I can't FEEL it. And my dreams have been stupid and useless lately.

Worst of all, I think I may have killed one of my plants, which makes me feel like not only am I colossally idiotic for putting it outside so early, but also like I have no magic, no favor from the universe, no nothing, because when it initially started to droop I prayed over it and talked to it and sent it energy every day (and gave it sun, warmth, and water) and it just got worse and worse. It's all brittle now and I'm rather helplessly hoping that it will somehow rally because I will feel so empty of faith if it doesn't. Kinda like how some people lose faith in their God when someone they love dies. I'd lose faith in life -- maybe not all, but a hell of a lot.

I feel like my magic broke, my spiritual sense just stopped working. I can't feel any hope that the future will bring me brighter things. I feel like I'm stuck in the mundane and can't find anything real. I feel like I'm becoming cynical. I don't want to feel like this... I don't want to lose all faith and hope. I don't understand how this could happen and I don't know how I can possibly live if the magic has deserted me.

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ETA: J (and a few other people) mentioned that we go through hibernating periods, and I think that's what this is. It has been almost a year since I experienced this so it REALLY shook me but now I'm remembering that sometimes, one just subconsciously closes off in order to process what is already learned before experiencing any more. I think that's what's happening with me now, and so I'm going to try to be patient and let myself go through this. It still hurts, a lot, but I'm remembering times like this, and I got through them so I am choosing to believe that I WILL get through this. I think it didn't even occur to me because it's never hurt this much before; I've never spent so long open-hearted (11 months is a LONG time with no rest-times), and I've never been so sensitive.

Thank you all for your comments; they made me realize things and gave me comfort ♥

Also, this is why I haven't been writing or commenting much. I don't know how long this will last but I'm not going to try to rush it, so please be understanding if I don't comment for a while. I'm still reading and caring, I'm just in a place of emotional retreat.
Tags: faith, pain, spirituality, turning points

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